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lostsocks
Member
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Posted: Sun Jan 27th, 2008 03:42 pm |
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Ok, working on a new play at the moment, the intention is to submit it as an example of my work for a Royal Court course I want to do.
Just need a little bit of feedback so far, still not sure if I want to use this, or get to work on a final draft of a few other eternal Works In Progress that seem to perpetually plague my desktop.
All thoughts appreciated :)
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Characters:
DOCTOR WILLIAM HEPHAESTUS –
A psychiatric doctor of mediocre talent, he is ill tempered and unsympathetic, he seems to have aged beyond his years
SIMON THORN –
A hypochondriac and regular visitor to the clinic, personal bane of DR HEPHAESTUS
BILLY WALKER (PATIENT #1017) –
A nervous and troubled young man, who believes he has started hearing voices in his head
JIMSON WEED –
The voice in BILLY’S head
DOCTOR TIMOTHY SLATE –
A friend and colleague of DR HEPHAESTUS
ACT I
SCENE I:
Dr Hephaestus’ Office: it is an untidy office, with a desk and two chairs, one a comfortable office chair. On the wall are various information posters of the kind you find in hospitals, and one with the slogan “You don’t need a doctorate in Neurosurgical Medicine to work here – but it helps”. DR HEPHAESTUS sits in the comfortable chair, with a look of long-suffering indignation, while SIMON THORN occupies the second chair
SIMON THORN:
And so I had taken a look on diagnose yourself dot Com, and did the online test, and it said Attention Deficit Disorder.
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No
SIMON THORN:
And I thought to myself; that does sound a lot like me, perhaps I had better pop down to see Doctor Hephaestus and…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No…
SIMON THORN:
… See what he makes of it
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No, Mr Thorn, you do not suffer from ADD
SIMON THORN:
It’s only because of this internet test you see, and it sounded an awful lot like me, the description that is
DR HEPHAESTUS:
How many times Mr Thorn? How many times must we go through this?
SIMON THORN:
It said that I was a 57% match for Attention Deficit Disorder, that’s quite high I think you’ll agree; it’s written by real psychologists
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No, Simon, there are no real psychologists on the internet, just as there are no real women, facts or standards. You are not mentally ill
SIMON THORN:
Well that wasn’t the only one it came up with, it also said I may have borderline personality…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No
SIMON THORN:
Stockholm’s Syndrome…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No, Simon, you do not have that
SIMON THORN:
Or possibly Adriatic Complex
DR HEPHAESTUS:
You made that one up
SIMON THORN:
It’s just that…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Please leave now Mr Thorn
SIMON THORN:
I’ve been hearing voices… they tell me to kill
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Have you Simon?
SIMON THORN:
Well… no. It’s that compulsive lying again, I…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Out of my office
SIMON THORN:
(Rising to leave) this really won’t do my agoraphobia any good, Doctor
DR HEPHAESTUS:
You’re not agoraphobic Mr Thorn. I like the agoraphobics. They stay at home.
SIMON THORN:
Well fine, I’ll be leaving then
(He prepares to leave, stopping as he goes to flick the light switch on and off repeatedly)
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Stop it
SIMON THORN:
Sorry
(He exits. There is a moment’s silence and DR HEPHAESTUS visibly relaxes, suddenly the door reopens only slightly)
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No!
(It closes again)
Ye gods. What did I do to deserve this? Simon Thorn does not suffer from any mental illness he is a mental illness. I suffer, acutely, from Simon Thorn. I would write a paper about it if I thought anybody would listen, (He unbottles and takes some aspirin from his desk) Simon Thorn Syndrome, located at 23 West Fields, recommended treatment: shotguns. It wouldn’t do any good though, everyone is like him now, this is the Year of the Syndrome. People can’t diagnose themselves fast enough; sanity is going out of fashion. Everybody wants their own unique little syndrome to set them apart from the crowd; mental illnesses are the new horoscopes! I diagnosed a young man with Histrionic Personality Disorder and he thought he had won the lottery… He’ll be the envy of his friends now. Bloody attention seeker.
Attention Deficits: You’re a lively and outgoing character who loves to talk, your lucky number is 14 and your perfect match is Aspergers, You don’t get along well with grumpy Neurotic and his firm work ethic, this week you’ll find good fortune when you meet a tall dark Borderline…
(He is interrupted as the door opens and DOCTOR TIMOTHY SLATE enters)
DR SLATE:
Hallo William
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Hello Dr Slate, what business brings you to my office this fine morning?
DR SLATE:
Umm, was that your hypochondriac going the other way down the hall?
DR HEPHAESTUS:
He isn’t a hypochondriac he is just an idiot.
DR SLATE:
He thinks he has every illness under the sun
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Yes, but it’s not because he is ill, it’s because he is stupid. Some folks think they’re being followed because they’re mad… others think they’re followed because they forgot they were towing someone. Stupid/mad, it’s a fine line, but the distinction exists.
DR SLATE:
Well that is hardly an appropriate attitude for a…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Look, my next door neighbour still hasn’t had sex at the age of 33, because he believes an invisible man in the sky told him to wait till marriage, and that an evil and mysterious force with goat’s feet will punish him if he disobeys. Do you think I can lock him up?
DR SLATE:
Obviously not, but…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Exactly! Because he’s not bonkers, he’s just a bloody fool.
DR SLATE:
Oh you’re just being facetious, I go to church myself
DR HEPHAESTUS:
I’ll see if I can prescribe you something.
DR SLATE:
Yes well I’m a damn sight more cheerful about life than you are, so I’ll leave someone else to decide which of us is the mentally stable…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Yes, well, you didn’t come here to cross swords with me Timothy. Is there any business other than the tragic Mr Thorn you can trouble me with?
DR SLATE:
Yes, as it happens, a new patient (he hands him a file)
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Ooh goody. What do we have: another bipolar looking for an impressive box of pills to show their friends?
DR SLATE:
Dr Hephaestus! I really do worry about your attitude to the patients, this person is ill
DR HEPHAESTUS:
(Reading file) I hope it’s someone who thinks they are a pair of curtains… that’s why I got into psychiatry you know; I’ve been waiting 14 years to tell a patient to pull themselves together.
DR SLATE:
They claim they’ve been hearing voices… I think you’ll enjoy this fellow.
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Oh I’m sure I will… I’ll have them send him right up.
DR SLATE:
(Sighs) Yes, well the Institute is interested in this one, so try to be gentle with him
(He exits, casting a worried glance back at DR HEPHAESTUS as he leaves. DR HEPHAESTUS does not notice).
DR HEPHAESTUS
I’ll be nothing but roses and candyfloss, oh… he’s gone. Coffee time!
(He starts searching his office for his mug)
Voices in the head… Now there is one of societies favourites. Is it really so bad? That’s what I’ve always wondered, sure, it’s a voice you can’t shut up, and it talks palpable nonsense to you all day. Sounds like my job here, I have hundreds of those voices, just because they are outside my head, are they really any better? Voices telling me to pay my taxes, voices telling me to kill people in the middle east, voices trying to convince me that I’m being watched by invisible men… And you can’t shut those ones up with medicine; those voices have freedom of speech. Ah ha, there it is!
(He finds the cup, and goes to leave the room, but the phone rings foiling his escape. He dithers over answering for a second before picking up)
I should warn you, if you tell me to kill again I shall just take a Risperidone, you won’t sway me! What? Oh hello Mary. No I’m quite all right thank you, never felt better.
I need what? Well… No, I don’t even know what the difference is, you decide. Of course I care, just not on my coffee break, I imagine I’ll care about it very much all the way home… yes, ok, ok, super, fine. Love you too. Bye.
They think they have problems? I married one of the voices in my head, I wish she would start telling me I’m the messiah or trying to convince me to kill my family. But no, this one just nags me about what sort of pasta we should have for dinner. You don’t know pain till the voices in your head do that.
(He exits room with coffee mug, the phone starts to ring again. Enter BILLY WALKER, he looks around nervously for the doctor, and eventually decides to answer the phone)
BILLY WALKER:
Hello? No, actually I’m looking for Dr Hephaestus too… Oh, um I would have to say the fettuccini if I were pressed. Wait, sorry, the other voice is going again… (He removes phone from ear and inclines his head) No, I think fettuccini… well you’re not eating it are you? Hello again, who me? No, I’m one of the patients. Hello? Oh… (He hangs up)
So much for that then.
(He starts poking around the office and looking at posters, he stops to read a pamphlet)
Cor… ADD, that sounds a lot like me, I wonder if I have that too
(The phone rings again, BILLY WALKER answers)
Hello? No this isn’t Dr Hephaestus, this is Billy. Billy Walker. Well I don’t know Mr Thorn, I suppose I could give it a go… really? That does sound quite serious… And you say this has been going on how long? Wait, I’ll just get a second opinion (He inclines his head) Oh… Oh dear… Hmmm He says you’re not mad Mr Thorn, they really are following you… I don’t know, you could kill them I suppose
(Enter DOCTOR HEPHAESTUS with a mug of coffee)
Well what have you got around the house?
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Good god! What on earth are you doing? Give me that phone at once, (he snatches it) Hello? Oh it’s you… No, it was one of the patients. No, you aren’t, no… NO Mr Thorn. Goodbye (He hangs up). What on earth did you think you were doing?
BILLY WALKER:
Answering the phone?
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Only the truly mad ever give such straightforward answers… you must be Mr Walker?
BILLY WALKER:
Were you expecting me?
DR HEPHAESTUS:
To be in the office? Yes, to be diagnosing Mr Thorn, no
BILLY WALKER:
I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No, no. We’ve got sane men as patients we may as well have lunatics as diagnosticians. It’ll probably do him some good, take a seat Mr Walker
(BILLY WALKER sits in the comfortable chair)
Now take the other seat please
(He does so, and DR HEPHAESTUS sits in the comfy chair)
So, you are hearing voices Mr Walker?
BILLY WALKER:
Yes, yes I am
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Do they ask you about pasta too?
BILLY WALKER:
Oh, he never asks… he just demands, he is very specific about pasta. Says he likes tagliatelle
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Hmmm. That’s my favourite pasta now I think about it… So you say there is just the one?
BILLY WALKER:
Just the one voice yes
DR HEPHAESTUS:
And does “he” have a name?
BILLY WALKER:
Jimson. He is called Jimson Weed. Umm, look, I don’t want to have sex with my mother or anything… I suppose most of the patients say that?
DR HEPHAESTUS:
No, in fact most of the patients have never even met your mother Mr Walker
BILLY WALKER:
No, I didn’t mean… Look, I just don’t want to get into anything strange
DR HEPHAESTUS:
I see. And what does Jimson think of this?
BILLY WALKER:
Oh he has very strong opinions about psychiatry doctor. Thinks it is all quite bonkers
DR HEPHAESTUS:
The voice in your head told you psychiatry was bonkers?
BILLY WALKER:
Well actually he said it was the biggest fraud perpetrated against humanity since the Catholic Church
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Well at least the voice in your head isn’t mad then
BILLY WALKER:
Funny… that’s what he said
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Is that so?
BILLY WALKER:
Yes, he said that I was speaking to someone that didn’t exist… but he was speaking to someone he could prove existed, so he was sane and I was mad…
DR HEPHAESTUS:
(Polite chuckle) Yes, I suppose that is true in a way, but it is Mr Weed that is the unwelcome tenant, not you
BILLY WALKER:
So what do we do? Am I a psychopath or what?
DR HEPHAESTUS:
Well we’ll need to take these things one step at a time, there are many possible causes for auditory hallucination, which of course the hospital will explore, we’ll to ask you several questions initially and run tests before we can determine your exact status and begin looking at treatment options…
(Lights fade down as DOCTOR HEPHAESTUS continues to talk specifics with BILLY WALKER.)
Act I
Scene II:
The Bar: When the lights rise again, Hephaestus is sitting in a bar (downstage area, consisting of stools and bar table) nursing a large whisky. DOCTOR SLATE joins him, carrying a pint.
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Current time is 01:55 pm | |
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