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lostsocks
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Posted: Tue Oct 10th, 2006 06:24 pm |
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Well, I've been working on this one on and off for a while, but it's finally managed to get my undivided attention.
Could use some critique , feedback, suggestions etc.
It's possibly my "most-edited" play, with hundreds of scraps being cut, then thrown back in later, or re-written. Never been able to get it rolling, but always liked bits of it to much to completely do away with it either...
Anywho...
Here it is so-far. Not sure where it's going, or if it'll be the same play tomorrow...
The St Valentine's Day Massacre Club
Scene I
Enter James and Steven (both are drunk though James considerably more so) holding each other up and singing
James
What a cow… I mean what a cow, how could she break up with me? She’s a total… (He struggles to find the right word)
Steven
Cow?
James
Bitch
Steven
Sorry, only trying to help
James
Not you, her. How could she? I’ve never done anything to her, treated her like a…. Um…a… (he struggles with his words again)
Steven
Bitch?
James
No! A queen. Treated her like a queen. I mean? What have I ever done to her?
Steven
Well, you just called her a cow…
James
Yeah, well cows are…(he burps)… sacred aren’t they?
Steven
I didn’t know you were a Hindu
James
Yeah…well! Might as well be, spent all those months worshipping that bitch
Steven
Cow
James
Piss off.
Steven
Sorry
James
Treated her like a… Queen. I should have been like… A king but how does she treat me?
Steven
James the first?
James
…What?
Steven
He was king just before… Never mind.
James
You’re too clever by half… no wonder you never have a girlfriend. Clever people… (He burps) … Never have girlfriends Steven
Steven
Probably a moral in that James
James
Treated her like, a…
Steven
Queen, Yeah. And you had gone and got her that ring as well
James
Took me bloody ages to win that, I had to have like 11 turns on the machine… You said I would never win it and to just give up.
Steven
That I did James… you know my Opinions about those machines
James
A fool’s errand you said. But I did it anyway, ‘cause of how much I was in love… With… (He falters)
Steven
Lisa
James
Bitch
Steven
Cow
James
She didn’t deserve me
Steven
Mind you, she didn’t deserve measles either and she got that
James
What?
Steven
I was just pointing out how she had a tendency to get large disgusting things that she didn’t deserve
James
Steven
Steven
Yeah?
James
Shut up… I’ve written this sonnet about her, I think its very fitting
Steven
James… You’re a good friend, I’ve known you for a very long time and far be it from me to cast doubt upon your ability to write poetry…
James (clearing throat)
Lisa you are really really smelly
Steven
Good lord…
James
I want to incinerate thee Lisa
Thou dumb Psycho bitch all the way from hell
I think…
He is unable to finish as he suddenly begins to vomit, assuming you don’t want the actor to actually vomit on stage it might be clever to make him do this somewhere discreet… however
Steven
I was almost impressed there, but I don’t think that last line there was quite ten syllables
James
(Recovering himself) Nonsense… I felt at least 8 syllables come out there
Steven
I had no idea you were so poetically inclined… are you going to finish it
James
(Inspecting vomit) I would say that is already pretty finished… at least until we’ve had another beer
The Lights go down
Scene II The Living Room
James is lying on the sofa with a newspaper draped over his head.
Steven is sat on the floor with his back to James he has a mug of tea in one hand and T.V. remote in the other.
James
Oh god.
Steven
If that were true you would’ve let me have a spot on the sofa
James
Oh shitting bloody hell
Steven
Someone’s a bright eyed and bushy tailed little cherub this morning
James
Steve… I shall only ask this once
Steven
Yes you did, No I didn’t, yes, yes again, because it seemed like a good idea at the time and yes, twice actually
James
What?
Steven
Did you throw up in the doorway? Did I clean it up? Did you really try to recite a sonnet? Did you phone Lisa? Why did I let you drink so much? And did you really phone Lisa?
James
Oh god… what was the answer to that last one?
Steven
Yes, twice actually
James
And the rest?
Steven
Yes you did, No I didn’t, yes, yes again and because it seemed like a good idea at the time
James
Oh lord. This cannot be good.
He sits up and tries to collect himself
Did I try to recite a…
Steven
Yes.
James
Was it any good?
Steven
Well, whilst I hardly rate our landlady or indeed Lisa, both of whom were treated to a rendition of your sonnet, as grand literary critics… The general consensus was that they weren’t impressed
James
Oh shit… Why did you let me drink so…
Steven
Because it seemed…
James
… like a good idea at the time. Right. Ok. Great. Was I…?
Steven
Yes you were and no I didn’t clean it up.
James
Oh god… What are you watching?
Steven
It’s a documentary on the Romans
James
Oh, them
Steven
It’s quite good actually. I would’ve done the Su-doku but you were using the paper.
James
When’s that great show with the priest who’s a detective and his nun sidekick?
Steven
Ages, not till three o’clock
James
Oh
Steven
Cheer up grumpy
James
OK, I can fix this: I’ll just call Lisa and explain.
Steven
Funny. That’s what you said last night as well.
James
How did it go?
Steven
Which one?
James
What?
Steven
You called her twice
James
Right… Which one went best?
Steven
The first one without a doubt.
James
Brilliant, that’s good we can work from there
Steven
Mostly because I managed to take your phone off you the first time… You wouldn’t let me near it the second time when you called back to finish what you were saying
James
How did it go that time?
Steven
Well it was a shorter conversation the second time
James
Short and sweet?
Steven
No. Short and loud
James
Do you think god hates me?
Steven
Did you phone him?
James
No, I don’t think so
Steven
You’re probably OK on that front then.
James
Oh fuck
Steven
Cup of tea?
James
This is the worst day of my entire life.
Steven
Oh come on, give tomorrow a chance it hasn’t even happened yet.
James
Well it’s the worst so far
Steven
What about yesterday?
James
I don’t remember enough of yesterday… oh god my head
Steven
Well you were sick in the doorway, which you still need to clean up, wrote a sonnet, then…
James
… I phoned Lisa
Steven
Twice
James
Fantastic
Steven
And before all that you got dumped
James
Thanks for reminding me
Steven
So all I’m saying, is you should really think about yesterday before making such sweeping statements about today
James
You’re right; things can’t get worse than yesterday
Steven
Don’t get too optimistic you haven’t heard the message Lisa left you on the answering machine yet
James
What?
Steven
Oh, Um, yeah. There’s a message for you, forgot to mention
James
Is there anything else you’ve forgotten to mention?
Steven
Did I tell you about the vomit in the doorway?
James
Several times
Steven
No then, that’s the lot
Lights go down
Scene III
A topless figure with goat’s legs (Pan) is sitting on stage with a 6-pack of lager. He is contentedly drinking and laughing to himself about some unknown joke.
Eventually a furious man in a white robe with a harp (Cupid) storms onto stage. He has a bow and some arrows slung over one shoulder
Cupid
Bastards!
Pan
Hah!
Cupid
And you can shut up and all
Pan
I believe this would be an appropriate moment to say “I Told You So”
Cupid
They can’t fire me… I am love
Pan
And yet against all expectations… Here you are
Cupid
Years of loyal service I gave them. Years
Pan
And now they dump you… Hehehe… dumped
Cupid
They won’t get away with this… It’s unlawful dismissal
Pan
Cupid… dumped… HA
Cupid
Oh shut up will you?
Pan
Dumped… (He snickers)… By Hallmark …
At this point Pan erupts into uproarious laughter, falling flat on his back and spilling a great deal of his beer
Cupid
They’ll soon be sorry. I can’t wait to see how they manage the whole bloody mess without me
Pan
You? Oh dear oh dear. Cupid mate, it’s over. Love is dead. You made an OK kitschy souvenir but they’ve never needed you. Romance has been bought and sold. At this stage in the proceedings you are just a hindrance. No wonder they fired you…
He opens another beer and hands it to Cupid
…Heck, I would have fired you. But that’s because you’re an ugly bastard.
They sit down on the stage with their beers
Cupid
But I’m Love. Faith, hope and… Me. I was the best one
Pan
Well it’s only because reputable Hymn writers don’t like to talk about me…. I have horns you see.
Cupid
You’re as bad as them. Love was something noble before people like you.
Pan
There was no love before me you stupid bloody cherub
Cupid
get lost Daemon!
Pan
Faerie!
Cupid
Goblin!
Pan
Pixie!
Cupid
Imp!
Pan
Greeting Card!
Cupid
… Ouch. You hurt me Pan. You cut me deep there, real deep
Pan
Well it’s true
Cupid
But it’s not my fault… The Bastards ruined Christmas, they ruined rock music… and now they’ve gone and done me in too.
Pan farts. Loudly.
Pan
Retirement isn’t so bad… You learn to appreciate grass growing, and the beer is good.
Cupid
You mean to say that the Hallmark Brigade are busy laying waste to romance, affection and Love! And you’re going to take it lying down?
Pan
I’ve always taken love lying down… Hehehe
----------------------------------------
That's it so far.
My personal take on it at this stage is that I'm not sure I like the whole pan-cupid thing at all. Seriously thinking about dropping it altogether.
That, and whilst the James-Steve banter I quite like, i'm not really sure where I'm going with it.
Ultimately it's meant to be about male friendship rather than Love.
Thoughts?
-Sam
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scenedreamer
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Posted: Tue Oct 10th, 2006 11:53 pm |
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Loved the dialogue. It was quick and rang true in a college dorm sort of way. Funny too.
I almost got lost when cupid and Pan showed up, but I liked that part a lot once I got tuned in. I imagined it with some hilarious costumes.
On a second reading, I thought the cupid scene might fit between the other two scenes though I'm unsure why. Maybe it would keep the audience wondering about Steve and James a little longer. Maybe the play is about the unreliablilty of eros and the continuity of philia ??
Good work.
sd
Last edited on Wed Oct 11th, 2006 02:09 pm by scenedreamer
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in media res
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 11th, 2006 04:38 pm |
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lostsocks,
Neato!
I did this in a hurry and I hope you can figure it out.
One reason I mention below so many small cuts is they slow down action. The things to cut are all those small tiny prefaces" to the actual line. Phrases like that may sound real but they are useless in the theatre (I have pointed out the exception for you) As an actor, those types of "prefaces" make you have to rev from neutral into the line. think of putting your car in neutral all the time and having to put it bakc in gear all the time. Would make for a slow and long journey. And it is bad for an (automatic) transmission. so it is bad for an audience.
I like the guys. They are "every guys" but very specific to place. Very likable/charmingly despicable theatrical characters. How many times have we seen guys like this or even been with guys like this or for that matter actually been guys like this in its various formats. Some guys might drink Scotch. Some gin? Some wine!?
(Or may I say substitue "women" for guys in all the above? So you have a universal, beleiveable situation.
And I thought "Cupid - HERE? With these guys!?" But then I said, "Absolutley."
Steve and Jame are so bad they have Cupid DRINKING! Cheap beer no less! What a great device a' la "I Hate Hamlet" Woody Allen's "Play it Again Sam" and a host of plays movies that have that other worldly adviser. (Hell (pun inteneded) Dante's "Inferno.)
Isay go with it. Or not. What does your heart and head tell you. I thiknk it takes the play onto another level other than than just another couple of blokes talking about women.
I agree with scenedreamer costumes will say a lot!!!! Cupid played by a midget? Neato. Could make someon a star! Pan a svelte epicene woman or man (why not, they miscast "Puck" as a female all the time. Never seen one work. Puck HAS to be a horny guy in my eyes. Who knows where this will take you. I suggest reading (if you already have not) a lot aobut the myths of Pan and Cupid. Research is all. Then youcan tkae off on any tangent you want with them. You have to sketch them just enough as how we know them, and how we are to now see them.
I will leave you with a quote that I love that is a new metaphor bringing us away from arrows and cupid. I read it maybe ten years ago; "When the time is right, love will find you and hunt you down like a Cruise Missile." And that is true!
I mean, to see Cupid actually CARE about these guys is a fantastic idea. Love stories are universally great.
Nice work. Have great flights of fancy with this. I see a heckuva lot of potential.
You can even get some good political jokes out of it.
As always to everyone, forgive my hurried misspellings.
in media res
I hope you can follow this and find the moments I mention.
After “bitch” cut “no” get right to queen. Cut, “I mean.”
Cut “you’re too clever by half”
Cut “Queen, yeah”
Trach cans are good for vomiting
If steven were eating out of a small cooking pot, (which single guys have been knownst to do so they do not have to wash a dish) and James grabbed it form him in the “emergency” that would be gross and funny.
Here is a universal and recognizable line that will deeply
touch everyone! Example of a perfect character line at a perfect moment.
“Did you throw up in the doorway? Did I clean it up? Did you really try to recite a sonnet? Did you phone Lisa? Why did I let you drink so much? And did you really phone Lisa?”
Oh shit… Why did you let me drink so… cut “oh shit.”
like a good idea at the time. Right. Ok. Great. Was I…?
cut “Right, Ok. Great.”
Cut “brilliant.”
Cut “the second time.”
No. Short and loud cut “no”
No, I don’t think so cut “no”
Oh come on, give tomorrow a chance it hasn’t even happened yet. Cut “oh come on”
James
I don’t remember enough of yesterday… oh god my head (cut Oh god my head. The actor can act that hangover throughout.)
Steven
Well you were sick in the doorway, which you still need to clean up, wrote a sonnet, then…
Cut “Well”
Steven
So all I’m saying, is you should really think about yesterday before making such sweeping statements about today (Here is a place where a little phrase like “So all I’m saying” is really a part of the line because it is a summation. All the other little ones I have notated don’t add character or action, they just sloooooooooooooooow it aaaaaaaaallllllll dooooooooooown.
James
You’re right; things can’t get worse than yesterday - but here, I would cut “you’re right” for the reason stated above..
Steven Oh, Um, yeah. There’s a message for you, forgot to mention - cut “oh um yeah.”Last edited on Wed Oct 11th, 2006 04:43 pm by in media res
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lostsocks
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 11th, 2006 05:13 pm |
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Thanks for the comments. I think I'll keep the pan-cupid stuff for now and keep playing with it :)
Thanks for the tips on cutting as well, I often miss things like that because I haven't read it aloud yet... lol a moral to that story.
I'll keep playing with it and keep you posted :)
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