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lostsocks
Member
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Posted: Sat Nov 4th, 2006 05:16 pm |
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So far I've put in some of the edits recomended, some I've rewritten rather than deleted, to try and keep the words but with better flow.
That and a few new scenes. Mostly struggling for direction with it at the moment.
Any and alll feedback is very welcome :)
St Valentine's Day Massacre Club
Scene I
Enter James and Steven (both are drunk though James considerably more so) holding each other up and singing
James
What a cow… I mean what a cow, how could she break up with me? She’s a total… (He struggles to find the right word)
Steven
Cow?
James
Bitch
Steven
Sorry, only trying to help
James
Not you, her. How could she? I’ve never done anything to her, treated her like a…. Um…a… (he struggles with his words again)
Steven
Bitch?
James
A queen! Treated her like a queen. What have I ever done to her?
Steven
Well, you just called her a cow…
James
Yeah, well cows are…(he burps)… sacred aren’t they?
Steven
I didn’t know you were a Hindu
James
Yeah…well! Might as well be, spent all those months worshipping that bitch
Steven
Cow
James
Piss off.
Steven
Sorry
James
Treated her like a… Queen. I should have been like… A king but how does she treat me?
Steven
James the first?
James
…What?
Steven
He was king just before… Never mind.
James
… No wonder you never have a girlfriend. Clever people… (He burps) … Never have girlfriends Steven
Steven
Probably a moral in that James
James
Treated her like, a…
Steven
Queen, and you had gone and got her that ring as well
James
Took me bloody ages to win that, I had to have like 11 turns on the machine… You said I would never win it and to just give up.
Steven
That I did James… you know my Opinions about those machines
James
A fool’s errand you said. But I did it anyway, ‘cause of how much I was in love… With… (He falters)
Steven
Lisa
James
Bitch
Steven
Cow
James
She didn’t deserve me
Steven
Mind you, she didn’t deserve measles either and she got that
James
What?
Steven
I was just pointing out how she had a tendency to get large disgusting things that she didn’t deserve
James
Steven
Steven
Yeah?
James
Shut up… I’ve written this sonnet about her, I think its very fitting
Steven
James… You’re a good friend, I’ve known you for a very long time and far be it from me to cast doubt upon your ability to write poetry…
James (clearing throat)
Lisa you are really really smelly
Steven
Good lord…
James
I want to incinerate thee Lisa
Thou dumb Psycho bitch all the way from hell
I think…
He is unable to finish as he suddenly begins to vomit violently; he rushes offstage (or leans his head offstage possibly) to do this. When he is finished he re-enters.
Steven
I was almost impressed there, but I don’t think that last line there was quite ten syllables
James
(Recovering himself) Nonsense… I felt at least 8 syllables come out there
Steven
I had no idea you were so poetically inclined… are you going to finish it
James
(Inspecting vomit) I would say that is already pretty finished… at least until we’ve had another beer
The Lights go down
Scene II
A topless figure with goat’s legs (Pan) is sitting on stage with a 6-pack of lager. He is contentedly drinking and laughing to himself about some unknown joke.
Eventually a furious man in a white robe with a harp (Cupid) storms onto stage. He has a bow and some arrows slung over one shoulder
Cupid
Bastards!
Pan
Hah!
Cupid
And you can shut up and all
Pan
I believe this would be an appropriate moment to say “I Told You So”
Cupid
They can’t fire me… I am love
Pan
And yet against all expectations… Here you are
Cupid
Years of loyal service I gave them. Years
Pan
And now they dump you… Hehehe… dumped
Cupid
They won’t get away with this… It’s unlawful dismissal
Pan
Cupid… dumped… HA
Cupid
Oh shut up will you?
Pan
Dumped… (He snickers)… By Hallmark …
At this point Pan erupts into uproarious laughter, falling flat on his back and spilling a great deal of his beer
Cupid
They’ll soon be sorry. I can’t wait to see how they manage the whole bloody mess without me
Pan
You? Oh dear oh dear. Cupid mate, it’s over. Love is dead. You made an OK kitschy souvenir but they’ve never needed you. Romance has been bought and sold. At this stage in the proceedings you are just a hindrance. No wonder they fired you…
He opens another beer and hands it to Cupid
…Heck, I would have fired you. But that’s because you’re an ugly bastard.
They sit down on the stage with their beers
Cupid
But I’m Love. Faith, hope and… Me. I was the best one
Pan
Well it’s only because reputable Hymn writers don’t like to talk about me…. I have horns.
Cupid
You’re as bad as them. Love was something noble before people like you.
Pan
There was no love before me you stupid bloody cherub
Cupid
Fuck off Daemon!
Pan
Faerie!
Cupid
Goblin!
Pan
Pixie!
Cupid
Imp!
Pan
Greeting Card!
Cupid
… Ouch. You hurt me Pan. You cut me deep there, real deep
Pan
Well it’s true
Cupid
But it’s not my fault… The Bastards ruined Christmas, they ruined rock music… and now they’ve gone and done me in too.
Pan farts. Loudly.
Pan
Retirement isn’t so bad… You learn to appreciate grass growing, and the beer is good.
Cupid
You mean to say that the Hallmark Brigade are busy laying waste to romance, affection and Love! And you’re going to take it lying down?
Pan
I’ve always taken love lying down… Hehehe
Cupid
Disgusting, that’s typical of you that is. We need to put an end to this, stand up for our cause
Pan
What exactly do you want to do? You’re forty years to late, there are no causes anymore, just different styles of t-shirt.
Cupid
We could go freelance, save love!
Pan collapses into uncontrollable laughter. This goes on for some time, with Pan almost regaining his posture and then falling back into wild maniacal laughter. The laughter should continue for an uncomfortable, inappropriate length of time.
Cupid watches all of this stony-faced
Pan
Oh… You were serious weren’t you?
Cupid
Why not? We can teach the bastards a lesson; we’ll get the whole mess back on track
Pan
You against the legions of the low-calorie generation? I don’t fancy your chances. You’ll be eaten alive
Cupid
Come on! We can get ourselves a couple of celebrities and…
Pan
Hark on him! “A couple of celebrities” and then what? Write an article in Heat Magazine about true love? It won’t work; they’re all part of the same monster.
Cupid
Well fine – we’ll find someone they haven’t got yet, there must be something out there still untouched. Something completely free from all the pretence they dress love up in…
Lights Go Down
Scene III The Living Room
James is lying on the sofa with a newspaper draped over his head. He is acutely hung-over
Steven is sat on the floor with his back to James he has a mug of tea in one hand and T.V. remote in the other.
James
Oh god.
Steven
If that were true you would’ve let me have a spot on the sofa
James
Oh shitting bloody hell
Steven
Someone’s a bright eyed and bushy tailed little cherub this morning
James
Steve… I shall only ask this once
Steven
Yes you did, No I didn’t, yes, yes again, because it seemed like a good idea at the time and yes, twice actually
James
What?
Steven
Did you throw up in the doorway? Did I clean it up? Did you really try to recite a sonnet? Did you phone Lisa? Why did I let you drink so much? And did you really phone Lisa?
James
Oh god… what was the answer to that last one?
Steven
Yes, twice actually
James
And the rest?
Steven
Yes you did, No I didn’t, yes, yes again and because it seemed like a good idea at the time
James
Oh lord. This cannot be good.
He sits up and tries to collect himself
Did I try to recite a…
Steven
Yes.
James
Was it any good?
Steven
Well, whilst I hardly rate the opinions of our landlady or indeed Lisa, both of whom were treated to a rendition… The general consensus was that they weren’t impressed
James
Oh shit … why did you let me drink so…?
Steven
Because it seemed…
James
… Like a good idea at the time.
James starts pacing; he is clearly agitated and heading towards panic.
He is trying to get a handle on the situation.
Right. Ok. Great. Was I…?
Steven
Yes you were and no I didn’t clean it up.
James
Oh god… What are you watching?
Steven
It’s a documentary on the Romans
James
Oh, them
Steven
It’s quite good actually. I would’ve done the Su-doku but you were using the paper.
James
When’s that great show with the priest who’s a detective and his nun sidekick?
Steven
Ages, not till three o’clock
James
Oh
Steven
Cheer up grumpy
James
OK, I can fix this: I’ll just call Lisa and explain.
Steven
Funny. That’s what you said last night as well.
James
How did it go?
Steven
Which one?
James
What?
Steven
You called her twice
James
Right… Which one went best?
Steven
The first one without a doubt.
James
That’s good we can work from there
Steven
Mostly because I managed to take your phone off you the first time… You wouldn’t let me near it when you called back to finish what you were saying
James
How did it go that time?
Steven
Well it was a shorter conversation the second time
James
Short and sweet?
Steven
(He considers this)…Short and loud
James
Do you think god hates me?
Steven
Did you phone him?
James
I don’t think so
Steven
You’re probably OK on that front then.
James
Oh fuck
Steven
Cup of tea?
James
This is the worst day of my entire life.
Steven
(Laughs) give tomorrow a chance it hasn’t even happened yet.
James
Well it’s the worst so far
Steven
What about yesterday?
James
I don’t remember enough of yesterday…
Steven
You were sick in the doorway, which you still need to clean up, wrote a sonnet, then…
James
… I phoned Lisa
Steven
Twice
James
Fantastic
Steven
And before all that you got dumped
James
Thanks for reminding me
Steven
So all I’m saying, is you should really think about yesterday before making such sweeping statements about today
James
You know what? You’re right; things can’t get worse than yesterday; that actually makes me feel slightly better
Steven
Don’t get too optimistic you haven’t heard the message Lisa left you on the answering machine yet
James
What?
Steven
(Very apprehensively) There’s a message for you, forgot to mention
James
Is there anything else you’ve forgotten to mention?
Steven
Did I tell you about the vomit in the doorway?
James
Several times
Steven
No then, that’s the lot
Lights go down
Scene IV
Pan and Cupid stand with a couple of beers as if they are both watching something from afar
Pan
…Well I like them
Cupid
They’re… Cretins
Pan
I always liked the Cretans… They brew up a good wine if I recall
Cupid
Do they even wash? It’s bad enough looking at them… Imagine having to smell them.
Pan
Think of them as undiscovered lands… virgin territory
Cupid
(Half to himself) It really wouldn’t surprise me
Pan
They’re a bit rough round the edges, but that’s what makes them so perfect, they are unsullied by civilisation. They are the rock upon which we shall build our church!
Cupid
Our church? Since when did you decide that you were on board?
Pan
Since I saw these two… And nothing pleases me more than taking a dump on civilisation.
Cupid
We’re meant to be saving love, nobody mentioned taking a dump on anything
Pan
Can’t you see it? These two are perfect. They’ll be our paladins, front line troops in our war against love
Cupid
For love, we are fighting a war for love
Pan
A thing has to be destroyed before it can be rebuilt… Imagine it, the Valentines cards, the clichés; we’ll bring it all down in clouds of smoke
Cupid
Smoke?
Pan
And fire… purifying passionate flames, it’ll all go, the whole thing. And in its place… Us
Cupid
Us?
Pan
Yes. We’ll go back to the roots, no more of this True Love bullshit. We’ll give them real Love. With cloven hooves and…
Cupid
(Cringing)… Horns?
Pan
Yeah!
Cupid
I’ve created a monster
Pan
A monster to plague a corrupt city…
Cupid
And how exactly do you intend to use…them… to build your new vision of love
Pan
Our new vision Cupid… Our glorious plan
Cupid
I’ve changed my mind…
Pan
It’s too late for that now. Sit down and listen up, and I shall tell you what we shall do…
Scene V The Pub
Steven and James are sitting at a table, a redtop newspaper is laid out before them and James has a small portable cassette player in his hand containing the answering machine message. James presses the ‘play’ button and we hear a recorded voice
Recorded Voice (Lisa)
Don’t you ever try to contact me anymore, and don’t you dare try phoning my mother’s house again or I’ll…
He presses the stop button
James
Just to recap, in case there was any doubt as to why you’re buying the drinks tonight
Steven
I said I was sorry
James
You let me call her mother!
Steven
I put up quite a good fight
James
Her mother
Steven
You were quite adamant at the time
James
You are a bad person
Steven
I was just doing what you told me!
James
That’s what they said at Nuremburg Steve
Steven
I don’t think you can quite compare your calling Lisa’s mother to the summary execution of some six million people
James
It is the telephone equivalent Steve! What would you have done if it were the Jews Steven? Just said there and said: “He told me to…”
Steven
If you honestly thought you could telephone six million Jews in one evening I would actually be quite impressed
James
Forget it
They drink in silence for a while
James
The whole thing is bloody stupid though
Steven
What?
James
You know
Steven
Are you still on about love?
James
I mean look here in the paper; some woman has gone and married a tree, a bloody tree!
Steven
I guess if she likes that sort of thing…
James
she can’t love a tree, she must be in it for the money or something
Steven
Money doesn’t grow on trees James
James
It can’t be his personality
Steven
I imagine he is a bit wooden
James
Probably about as exiting as watching grass grow…
They drink again briefly in silence before breaking down laughing.
My life really is terrible; tree jokes aside, love is a bitch.
Steven
That it is James
James
I mean there are some crappy things in this world
Steven
Like Chernobyl
James
Yeah like Chernobyl, but love really takes the biscuit
Steven
Unlike Chernobyl which just took half of Ukraine
James
There you go again, have you ever successfully chatted up a girl using history and politics?
Steven
Define successfully
James
… What did I ever do to her anyway?
Steven
I assume we aren’t counting the time she found your collection under the bed
James
Those could have belonged to anyone!
Steven
Well in that case hardly anything
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Poet
Member
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Posted: Sun Nov 5th, 2006 08:46 am |
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Didn't read the earlier versions Lostsocks, so excuse me if I am treading any worn paths here mate...
I guess one of the best elements of this is actually what you say is your problem - that I'd really like to read on to see where it's going! It makes me curious - you said you're struggling with direction, but it made me wonder... are Cupid and Pan going to work together to intervene in the relationship between James and his girl to make some sort of point about their necessity still? How's it going to go?
Or to the contrary, is there a deity-bet of some sort here, with Cupid wanting to get James and his girl back together, and Pan wanting the opposite? Or is this a case of human will over immortal power - Cupid and Pan want to force the couple together, but 'she' just won't have it, no matter what the gods do? It even occurred to me that it might be about to go horribly wrong, and for James and Steve to get it on - maybe as a result of a spell that goes awry - and James' girlfriend to realise too late she actually does love James! It sure doesn't seem to be going right for the deities so far!
Are there any more deities lurking around to give Cupid and Pan a ticking off if they do - or do not - intervene (Zeus, I assume)? Is Cupid+Pan a parallel with Steve+ James, or James+girlfriend? Are the four going to meet? Do Cupid/Pan need to 'appear' to James to help him, like some sort of divine tutors - or (if that's the way it's going) can they do it covertly?
There seemed so many very funny ways this could go, I very much wanted it to continue. I wanted to know. I still do!
Two minor points. I can't quite explain why, but I had a feeling that there was something missing... a scene before the first one. At the moment scene 1 explodes just like it should, in the middle of a dilemma, and the near-violence of the Steve/James scenes contrast beautifully with what I see as the near-serenity of the deities scenes - but for that very reason I almost felt that this could possibly be emphasised even more, with a short serene scene before the first? Maybe even a no-dialogue sequence - didn't Pan enchant with his pipes and Cupid with a horn?
Second minor point; I did struggle just a bit with voice. I love the idea of the contrasts and similarities between the Steve/James relationship and the Cupid/Pan relationship, but I couldn't 'hear' the differences clearly; I felt that, at the moment, Steve and James lines are more-or-less interchangeable, and so are Cupid and Pans.
You write very much like a good friend with whom I collaborate sometimes, and in a comedic style a little like mine (I should wish), so I feel an affinity with this anyway - but if I'd seen some of this as a 'trailer' or on an arts programme, I'd definitely travel and pay to go see it.
Please, please... let me know how the bloody thing moves forward and ends, will you?
Hope this helps.
Last edited on Sun Nov 5th, 2006 08:49 am by Poet
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lostsocks
Member
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Posted: Sun Nov 5th, 2006 11:45 am |
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Thanks, lol those are a lot of the questions spinning round my own head, but it helps to have someone objective take a look through it.
Glad you could spot the Steve/James Cupid/Pan parralel, I think try and refine the characters some more in that respect. There is definitely still a bit of work to be done there. (though glad it came across, I was worried I had missed the mark altogether)
I'll give some thought for a short intro scene in next draft, got a few possible ideas to play with there :)
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Poet
Member
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Posted: Sun Nov 5th, 2006 02:43 pm |
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Lost (can I call you Lost, mate?) I'm sure you're onto a good thing here.
Far be it from me - but I don't sense maybe as much conflict here as perhaps you intended, or could possibly work into it?
What if Steve was (as a result of an earlier relationship - because I can't hear the voices, I'm missing some backstory) very bitter and anti-the-relationship, and Pan was anti-relationships in general? That would leave James to be pro-relationship, and Cupid wanting to prove a point as to the justification of his continued deity (Pan, who is potentially a wonderfully strong character, clearly doesn't give a shit!).
Steve, therefore has an axe to grind, and Cupid a position to defend. A nice juxtaposition? Enter (maybe) the mother of the girl on earth (who James has maybe upset) ('mother earth') and Zeus in 'the cloud' as interventions... and maybe both as (may the gods which you called into being forgive me) deus ex machinae in both realms?
There are so many points to be made here... will over predestination, the redundant human need for gods, redundancy of both the dominant male partner and the lacking in dominance of any religion, male vs female... it's a fantastic (literally) world to enter!
Sorry if this sounds crap; it's a two-Strongbow-message!
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lostsocks
Member
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Posted: Sun Nov 5th, 2006 03:04 pm |
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It sounds good - I was aiming for something very similar.
I'm not sure I've really brought it out strongly enough in Steven yet, but I certainly want to aim towards that.
He is more cynical than James, he believes himself to be more intelligent.
I think Pan dislikes the "order" of love, and holds a belief in something more primal, I wasn't sure if he was anti-love par se. But then i'm still only playing with the characters at present :)
They are loosely based around myself, people I know, and our various outlooks and experiences with relationships.
Thanks for the advice, it's been very helpful to have someone read through and give their impressions.
(lol Lost is fine, I also go by Sam, or whatever else pops to peoples mind)
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in media res
Member
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Posted: Mon Nov 13th, 2006 07:58 pm |
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Lostsocks,
i read and remember the first version which I liked and I see the iprovements you have made and like them very much. There is more to Pan and Cupid now.
Poet has made so many wonderful comments it is hard for me to add anything! he gives you so many options.
I love houw yo have the relatioships off stage now between Lisa (cow/bitch) and the mother. I laughed out loud when I had heard you called the mother!!!! But poet gives me the idea of having the mother come to the door. And thought he goal- well that is the question what is the goal? - which is something you will have to have soon - does he really want Lisa back or not?
But in this wild world, what if the mother comes over ready to scold and then she pours her heart of her life out to the boys and one of the boys starts to fall in love with her? Or she falls in love with one of them? The more you comicate the matters the more fun you will have and the audience will have. And Cupid and Pan are screwing it all up. and by the way, waht are their (cupid and pan's goals?)
I love the idea of a bet between Cupid and Pan. Competion is always good for dramatic action.
Maybe we will never even see Lisa.
You have so much good stuff going on here, and right now I do not have the time to go further. But, as I said, Poet has givne and asked all the really good things. I agree with everything he says.
Best,
in media res
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Poet
Member
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Posted: Tue Nov 14th, 2006 09:16 am |
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Sam/IMR
I don't know whether this message is maybe going beyond crit, and could even be seen as presumptuous (if so, Sam, grovels from me) but...
I loved the idea of the mother arriving and yet another love problem! As you say, there are so many different and complicated ways this can go, it's tough to decide which way it should go, so here's a thought...
Cupid has said 'I can't wait to see how they handle the whole bloody mess without me' and 'Maybe we should go freelance and save love?' and 'We'll get the whole mess back on track!'
Well... in their way, both Pan and Cupid are firm in their conviction of their abilities. And the 'problem' before they get involved seems so simple... girl doesn't want boy any more. So, we assume, they're going to try and sort it out, and Sam's problem is which way to go in this wonderful world.
Why choose? Why not go EVERY way?
Poor Cupid really does want to prove that they're still needed (and probably talks Pan into it)... but their deep-rooted understanding of love is actually quite simplistic (Cupid = bows, arrows, traditional falling-in-love stuff, Pan = more earthy, pagan, sexual). But in reality NEITHER concept of love fits with 21st century life.
So ANYTHING they did, any spells they cast to 'try and get the whole mess back on track' would be almost doomed to failure! It's almost a case of inadequate training; you could have the mother turn up and one of the lads falling for her; then that spell reversed and the two boys falling in love; then that spell reversed and the girl falling for the wrong bloke; then maybe Pan falling for Cupid; then... oh, I don't know, maybe Zeus has to turn up to try and put matters straight again, but he falls for Lisa himself (or the mother)! And God forbid that Narcissus should put in his ten penn'orth!
You'd end up with something approaching a farce - but with the underlying premise, maybe, of the inadequacy of any simplistic approach to love today.
From the very first reading, it made me think quite clearly of Midsummer Night's Dream and Twelfth Night. They've had a decent little run...
Sam - please keep us posted. I love your style (both stageplay and poetry).
I WANT TO KNOW!
Phil
Last edited on Tue Nov 14th, 2006 09:56 am by Poet
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in media res
Member
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Posted: Tue Nov 14th, 2006 02:03 pm |
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lostsocks,Poet.
I will be proud to be the "Yes Man" and concur again wih everything Poet has said.
I, too, thought of a modern "Dream," and any and all complications will make it interesting. but don't feel you have to follow the model of "Dream." (But a terrific model.) But go your own way.
Go wherever it takes you, and don't feel constricted by having to stay in the apartment, though I love plays that have that constriction, which is also freeing. They can all show up. Even the landlord, who could also fall in love. he comes to scold the boys for the mess and vomit, but the mother is there and she woos him to have pity on them and "powee" he is in love. He can be any ethnicity or economic class. Tight butt high end Englishman who is an 'absentee" landlord who lives in Scotland or provence or Tuscany and checks up on the "property" twice a year as he blows through town. He now finds a whole new beauty in his "grey England" when he looks into her eyes. Or he could be an Arab from Bahrain who does the same thing. Or an "ugly American Texan". The possibilites you have are endless in the whole matter. Just like love.)
Poet gives great advice: "Why choose? Why not go EVERY way?"
By the way, lostsocks, I think I mentioned to you the first time I read the first posted version the phrase I got tha speaks for love in the late 20th, early 21st century tha I ran into with a new metaphor for the bow and arrow: "When the time is right, love will find you and hunt you down like a Cruise missile." Pan and Cupid are fighting for their lives in the age of new metaphors. Can they adapt? If I can locate the attribution for the quote I will send it along.
Enjoy the ride on this one.
Best,
In media resLast edited on Tue Nov 14th, 2006 02:07 pm by in media res
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Poet
Member
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Posted: Tue Nov 14th, 2006 02:33 pm |
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<For merely making me feel better about what I thought was maybe going beyond the limits of crit - and the cruise missile metaphor! - IMR gets mana from Poet!>
I'm here too much...!
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lostsocks
Member
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Posted: Tue Nov 14th, 2006 05:47 pm |
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Thanks for the feedback - it's quite welcome, really helps to have people I can bounce ideas off.
I'll keep you both posted :)
Probably will have next batch by sunday, been a bit busy this week so only had time to sit down with it briefly,
Thanks again,
-Sam
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