I think this has been bouncing around my head for years, just not in this form.
Is this something worth finishing? Thanks in advance for your feedback!
Carl
SETTING: The heavens.
AT RISE: Thunder. Lights come up on THOR. He hits his hand lightly with a hammer, and thunder rolls again. THOR is only mildly amused, and obviously bored. He creates thudner a few more times, until Zeus enters.
THOR
Oh, man! Zeus!
ZEUS
Thor.
THOR
I knew you’d be here, you bastard son of Titans. What, are you going to rain on my parade?
ZEUS
So to speak.
THOR
What? Olympus boring you?
ZEUS
I needed a change of scenery! What’s your problem?
THOR
My problem is, I was doing just fine, causing a thunderstorm, minding my own business and having a grand old time, until you came around.
ZEUS
Well, it looks like you’re doing just fine. See, people are turning on windshield wipers!
THOR
I swear, if you don’t leave right now –
ZEUS
Right. Go for the hammer. Very creative. Is that supposed to scare me? I’m shaking in my sandals.
THOR
Piss off. Make your own thunderstorm someplace else.
ZEUS
I can roll thunder where I please, thank you very much.
(He claps his hands, and there is thunder.)
I’m the king of the gods, if you haven’t forgotten.
THOR
Gods, my frosty Norse ass! You wouldn’t last ten minutes in Asgard.
ZEUS
Are you kidding? I kicked the Titans off Olympus! I begat Hercules!
THOR
You were raised by a goat. I eat goats for breakfast.
ZEUS
That’s a lie. That’s a lie! I was raised by Gaia herself. Don’t perpetuate speculation.
THOR
Besides, from what I heard, Poseidon and Hades did most of the work on the Titans.
ZEUS
There you go again. Did you read your mythology? It clearly states that I cut open Cronus my father’s stomach. What, were you schooled by trolls?
THOR
Leave trolls out of this.
ZEUS
What?
THOR
Nothing.
ZEUS
Are you afraid of trolls?
THOR
No.
ZEUS
Yes, you are.
THOR
No. No way. Now let’s just drop it, ok?
ZEUS
Haha! The mighty Thor, son of Odin, slayer of giants, afraid of the common troll!
THOR
Drop it, I said!
ZEUS
Ok. Ok. Put the hammer down.
THOR
Don’t you mention trolls again.
ZEUS
Didn’t know you’d be so touchy.
THOR
I’ll hit you with Mjolnir, I swear.
ZEUS
I believe you. I don’t want any violence. I’m a lover, not a fighter.
THOR
Yeah. We’ve heard.
ZEUS
What’s that supposed to mean?
THOR
Oh, come on! You’ve had more relations with goddesses and mortals than there are hairs on my head!
ZEUS
So? I like the ladies.
THOR
You’re disgusting.
ZEUS
You know what’s disgusting? You, with your smite-first-ask-questions-later attitude.
THOR
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
ZEUS
If it ain’t broke, you’ll break it.
THOR
Yeah? Have you thought about the mothers of your children? Imagine how they feel, raising a boy who can punch through walls.
ZEUS
They’re proud to rear a child of Zeus. Who wouldn’t be?
THOR
They don’t even it’s you most of the time! You come down to them in one form or another, and the next thing they know, BAM! Out pops a demigod. How many has it been so far today?
ZEUS
I don’t know. Lots.
THOR
Seriously. How many?
ZEUS
I can’t keep track.
THOR
Give me a round number.
ZEUS
I’m bad at guestimating. A million?
THOR
Even Hermes isn’t that fast. You’re having a dry spell, aren’t you?
ZEUS
Don’t be ridiculous. I’m Zeus!
THOR
You’re in a slump, that’s what you are! How long’s it been?
ZEUS
What are you talking about? I’m the king of the gods!
THOR
Fifty years? A hundred?
ZEUS
Fine! You know what it is? It’s mortal women. I used to be able to have any mortal woman I wanted.
THOR
What changed? Surely the women are the same as they were thousands of years ago.
ZEUS
I don’t know it is. Women just don’t like it when you come down in the form of a swan or a bull anymore.
THOR
Yeah.
ZEUS
They used to love that!
THOR
Maybe it’s suffrage.
ZEUS
I’m suffering. I can tell you that much.
THOR
Or the internet.
ZEUS
Whatever it is, I don’t like it.
THOR
Or maybe it’s monotheism.
ZEUS
Oh, don’t get me started on monotheism!
THOR
Talk about your bad ideas!
ZEUS
One God? There’s too much pressure for one God.
THOR
It’s a lot of responsibility. You have to cover dawn, daylight, justice, fertility, wealth, youth, love . . . It’s too much for one deity.
ZEUS
And when something goes wrong, you can’t pass the buck. I can’t tell you how many times I blamed Athena, Ares, or Hephaestus when something went wrong.
THOR
Yeah. Tension is good.
ZEUS
If you’re one God, who are you going to blame? There’s no one but yourself!
THOR
You need the balance.
ZEUS
Right. The yin and yang.
THOR
Love and war.
ZEUS
It all went wrong with Abraham.
THOR
And now look at us!
ZEUS
Tossed aside.
THOR
Yesterday’s news.
ZEUS
Washed up.
THOR
Speak for yourself, old fogey!
ZEUS
At least their God looks like me.
THOR
I’m the star of a German opera.
(They laugh.)
THOR
This is ridiculous.
ZEUS
What is?
THOR
We used to run this place. Now we just start thunderstorms out of boredom.
ZEUS
Yeah.
THOR
I mean, at least you have Olympus. Lots of family around. That must be nice.
ZEUS
Don’t kid yourself. It’s not that exciting these days. Most of the time, they just play bingo or cribbage. That’s why I’m out here looking for thunder.
THOR
I know what you mean. Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning?
ZEUS
I’m as strong as I was 3000 years ago!
THOR
No, no, not that. I mean the motivation. Most days I just lie there, you know, for like an hour, until Sif comes in and prods me until I roll out of bed. And for what?
ZEUS
Well, you protect Midgard. That’s important.
THOR
Who wants to go to Midgard? It’s like guarding Chechniya.
ZEUS
I’m going to tell you something. I miss the good old days, being worshipped in temples and caves across the known world. That got me going, you know?
THOR
Tell me about it! They wrote eddas about me. Now they write comic books.
ZEUS
And the occasional short play.
THOR
We’ve become mockeries.
ZEUS
I haven’t seen a single decent depiction of myself since the Renaissance.
THOR
You know who’s to blame?
ZEUS
Who?
THOR
Yaweh.
ZEUS
Who?
THOR
Jehovah. Allah. Jesus.
ZEUS
Not registering.
THOR
Their God.
ZEUS
Yes. Him.
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