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timmy
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Posted: Sun Mar 16th, 2008 03:06 am |
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Park / Green space / Somewhere...anywhere outside
Lydia: Early Twenties
Marcus: Late Thirties
Marcus: Smell that?
Lydia: Excuse me?
Marcus: I said...can you smell that?
Lydia: No.
Marcus: You’re not trying. (beat) Try harder.
Lydia: What are you saying?
Marcus: It’s you.
Lydia: What?
Marcus: You’ve been to that coffee shop at the corner of Sixth and Sheevers.
Lydia: How can you tell?
Marcus: You had a vanilla latte.
Lydia: Do you always pick-up girls with this line?
Marcus: Skinny.
Lydia: Skinny what?
Marcus: You had a vanilla latte “skinny.” (Lydia laughs) And no to your question. (beat) Although that’s a nice thought.
Lydia: What else do you smell?
Marcus: Nothing. But...shhhhh. Listen.
Lydia: It’s a bird. A starling, maybe.
Marcus: It’s a mockingbird.
Lydia: How could you tell if it’s a mockingbird? Don’t they mimic other birds?
Marcus: Do you know it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird? I heard that somewhere. (exaggeratedly) I cheated...I saw it.
Lydia: Where?
Marcus: It was over there, but now it’s gone. (beat) Care for a Werther’s?
Lydia: My mother told me to never accept candy from strangers.
Marcus: You have a smart mother. My name’s Marcus. (beat) Care for a Werther’s? (Lydia laughs again and takes the candy. She unwraps it and puts it in her mouth in the following lines)
Lydia: Werther’s is my favorite. I haven’t had one in a long time. Thank you, Marcus. My name is...
Marcus: Lydia.
Lydia: Come on...you’re psychic too?
Marcus: It’s on your handbag.
Lydia: You’re an observant guy.
Marcus: Oh, I have my moments.
Lydia: What else can you tell me?
Marcus: Honestly?
Lydia: Is there any other way?
Marcus: (takes a step back and “studies” Lydia for a few seconds) I say....blue.
Lydia: Blue what?
Marcus: Blue is your favorite.
Lydia: You’re close.
Marcus: I’m not finished. I just needed you to think about it. (continues to study a few seconds) Azure.
Lydia: You’re good.
Marcus: Bedroom. Maybe an azure border. Curtains. A stuffed animal on the bed...maybe an old Huckleberry Hound.
(Long Pause)
Marcus: What?
Lydia: I know you.
Marcus: Do you?
Lydia: Yes. You’re Mark.
Marcus: Still am. Hello...Lydia. I wasn’t exactly sure it was you, but you look just like your mother so I was pretty sure. And then when you actually said something...well...
Lydia: How...old was I when you left?
Marcus: Six.
Lydia: You used to give me Werthers, didn’t you?
Marcus: All the time. I’d leave one for you on...
Lydia: On the step. When I came home from school.
Marcus: Yes.
Lydia: How old were you when you left?
Marcus: Twenty-two.
Lydia: Wow.
Marcus: How have you been?
Lydia: Um...fine. I’m sorry. This is just so weird.
Marcus: Why?
Lydia: Because when you first started talking to me I was thinking to myself that you were hitting on me, and...
Marcus: Is that so bad?
Lydia: You’re what? Forty?
Marcus: Soon.
Lydia: Jesus...You gave me Huckleberry Hound too, didn’t you?
Marcus: When you were three. You still have it, don’t you?
Lydia: On my bed. In my azure bedroom.
Marcus: Married?
Lydia: Me? Or my mother?
Marcus: Touche
Lydia: She still mentions you every so often.
Marcus: Really. And what does she say?
Lydia: That you were a shit to leave.
Marcus: I had to leave, Lydia. I was too young to settle down. Too hungry. Your mother wanted to get married and I didn’t.
Lydia: So are you?
Marcus: Married? No. I still don’t want to get married. After I left your mother I went back to college, got my degree...lived with a gal for about three years and “almost” got married...but I changed my mind.
Lydia: Why?
Marcus: Because I kept seeing things.
Lydia: What things?
Marcus: Other women, mostly.
Lydia: Is that why you left us?
Marcus: I didn’t leave you, Lydia. I left your mother. You were just there. I enjoyed our time together, but I wasn’t ready to be a daddy. Especially not someone’s else’s baby.
Lydia: At least you’re honest.
Marcus: Older and wiser too.
Lydia: Were you going to tell me or just try and pick me up?
Marcus: Does it matter? You were always a smart little girl. I figured you would figure it out, and...you figured it out.
Lydia: You know, when you first started talking to me, I kept getting this image.
Marcus: Of what?
Lydia: Of your hands. I remember your hands. You used to crack your thumb knuckle all the time...holding your hand like a pistol...when you were watching TV or sitting in a lawn chair or driving the car...for some reason, I half expected you to do that while you were talking to me.
Marcus: Like this...(holds hand out like a pistol and fires thumb)
Lydia: Yes...yes, just like that. Christ, Mark...this is so bizarre.
Marcus: For me too.
Lydia: Why?
Marcus: Because when I knew for sure it was you and I knew I was going to say something to you, I had no clue what I was going to say...but when I
smelled the vanilla latte...
Lydia: ...skinny
Marcus: ...skinny...my question just came out and I was going to run with it no matter where it took us.
Lydia: And where has it taken us?
Marcus: Not sure.
Lydia: Oh, come on...I’m a good looking lady...you must have had some thoughts.
Marcus: Well,I have seen you naked before, you know. I...ah, ran the bath water for you on occasion. But it’s been awhile.
Lydia: Yes. It has been awhile. (Lydia stares at Marcus for a few seconds, walks to him and gives him a passionate kiss)
Marcus: Well, I don’t remember you quite like this, Lydia.
Lydia: I remember a few other things about your hands, Mark.
Marcus: You do?
Lydia: Yes. I do. (She slaps him hard on the face) You sonofabitch. I remember them on many parts of my body. And if I ever see you near me again, I will kill you.
Marcus: Is this where we part? Never to see one another again?
(Lydia takes another swing at him. Marcus catches her hand)
Marcus: It’s okay, Lydia. I won’t bother you again.
(Releases Lydia’s hand)
Lydia: And I’ll enjoy doing it, Mark. DO YOU HEAR ME?
(Black)
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Edd
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| Joined: | Sat Jun 10th, 2006 |
| Location: | Denver, Colorado USA |
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Posted: Sun Mar 16th, 2008 03:44 am |
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I liked everything about this, timmy--even how uncomfortable it left me feeling. Truly wonderful. Thank you.
~Edd
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Paddy
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Posted: Mon Mar 17th, 2008 12:00 am |
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I'm so not sure.
I loved it. Loved loved the dialogue. Loved the tension.
I was disappointed that it turned out to be that.
Can't really say why.
Paddy
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timmy
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Posted: Mon Mar 17th, 2008 02:39 pm |
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Thank you, Edd.
"I was disappointed that it turned out to be that."
...think it's worth working on "that" Paddy? I admit this is a scaled down version of a longer piece. I could have Lydia go any number of directions. Marcus, also, for that matter.
...just curious if you could elaborate a bit more?
timmy
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kris
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Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 03:29 pm |
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Hi, timmy,
I thought this was wonderful, too, and, like Paddy, loved the dialogue. I didn't mind the ending -- in fact, I thought it was quite effective and ultimately plausible -- but Lydia's passionate kiss preceding it didn't seem to set it up properly or honestly for me. I can understand that she might want to lead him on a bit only to let him down the harder, but it just seemed discordant. The kiss would seem to lead in a different direction. Maybe you wanted that twist, but I think there's enough of a twist as it is! Maybe if she did something besides kiss him -- maybe if she picked up one of his hands and placed it on her hip or breast and said, "Yes, that's the hand I remember" or something???? I don't really know! For me, though, the kiss is the trouble spot. The rest is perfection.
kris
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timmy
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Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 07:43 pm |
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...thanks for being specific. Critique noted. Appreciate it.
timmy
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in media res
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Posted: Sat Apr 5th, 2008 04:32 pm |
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timmy,
I'm with kris on this. Her gesture she suggests, but I add:
This is where the problem was:
Lydia: Yes. It has been awhile. (Lydia stares at Marcus for a few seconds, walks to him and gives him a passionate kiss)
Marcus: Well, I don’t remember you quite like this, Lydia.
Lydia: I remember a few other things about your hands, Mark.
The first two lines and the kiss were too much. And the ending for me was unsatisfying...though the way it is written now, I wanted her to kick him in the nuts when he grabbed her arm! If she said the third line and the scene continued on would have been more interesting for me.
I would have liked to have seen the "creep" factor ( and I mean both the creep as in "yucky" and the slow tension of the creeping of the scene which is brilliant) extended and not have such a quick turnaround or reversal to neatly wrap it up. I would have wanted Lydia to leave Marcus wondering and/or fearing: wondering if she gave him the okay to pursue or fearing whether he should not, and asking himself the question "What will she do now?" It would be much more interesting. The possibilities in my mind of what may/could happen after this scene, whether it is a longer piece or ends here is more interesting and troubling. What is it you want left in our minds when the scene goes to BLACK? Does it have to be wrapped up here? To give complete resolution is one choice. But to give us something to think/wonder/fear about afterwards is another. (I am not telling you how to write the piece, just giving possibilities for you.) I am kind of in a rush, so if it not clear what I am saying, I can try again later if you want.
This has endless possibilities for a longer piece.
best,
in media resLast edited on Sat Apr 5th, 2008 04:35 pm by in media res
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Deirdre
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 04:31 pm |
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Hmmm... I was really enjoying the scene, the give and take, exploration of a possible relationship, small revelations, the implications of a daughter dating her mother's ex, which would be enough to propel this forward, when you blind-sided us with Lydia's reversal of intent.
I think you did intend to blind-side us, as a way of creating a dramatic moment, but I kind of felt cheated as if you had used it more as a trick rather than let the scene evolve organically.
I'm being much too critical because as an exercise in synesthesia, it's totally wonderful. I hope you feel inspired to develop this further!
Great work
Deirdre
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