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TroyAllenShearer
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Posted: Fri May 9th, 2008 08:15 pm |
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SINGULATITIS
A Ten Minute Play
by
Troy Shearer
1525 South East Crown Street
Port St. Lucie, FL 34983
772.201.5397
TroyAllenShearer@gmail.com
(The lights come up on the interior of a doctor’s office. The office is made up of 3 chairs and a small coffee table. Sitting in two of the chairs are MIKE and DR. SWANSON. The third chair is unoccupied. DR. SWANSON is in his late 40’s and MIKE in his 20’s. The chairs are around 6 years old, the table 3. On the coffee table sits a file and a telephone.)
DR. SWANSON
How are you feeling today Michael?
MIKE
Good, I mean pretty good. As good as be expected I guess.
DR. SWANSON
That’s good.
MIKE
Good?
DR. SWANSON
Very good.
(Mike hiccups.)
I see your hiccups are still bothering you.
MIKE
Worse than ever.
(Mike hiccups.)
DR. SWANSON
But still no signs of other symptoms?
MIKE
No, doctor. None that I’m aware of anyway.
DR. SWANSON
Just the hiccups?
MIKE
Well, I’m not sure I would say "just" the hiccups.
DR. SWANSON
I’m sorry, Mike. I wasn’t implying—
MIKE
I mean I’ve been hiccupping nonstop for over 2 months now.
(Mike hiccups.)
DR. SWANSON
I know. I know it’s been hard. I didn’t mean to upset you.
MIKE
I know you didn’t, Dr. Swanson. I’m just on edge is all. I haven’t slept much these last few months. Every time I start to doze off…
(Mike hiccups.)
That happens.
DR. SWANSON
You poor soul. Well as I said on the phone, we have the results of your test back.
(Dr. Swanson picks up the file from the coffee table.)
Is your wife here with you?
MIKE
Yes, she’s out in the waiting room. She decided not to come in. She wanted a break from the hiccupping. It’s been hard on us both.
(Mike hiccups.)
DR. SWANSON
I can imagine. Nonetheless, I think you’re going to want her by your side for this.
MIKE
My god doc, it’s cancer isn’t it?
DR. SWANSON
No.
(Mike gives a sigh of relief.)
I’m afraid it’s not cancer.
MIKE
You mean it’s worse than cancer?
DR. SWANSON
Mike, this is the part of the job I hate.
MIKE
Give it to me straight, Doc.
(Mike hiccups.)
DR. SWANSON
Are you sure you wouldn’t like to have Brittany here with you? I’ll tell the receptionist to send her in.
(Dr. Swanson picks up the phone, but Mike quickly hangs it up.)
MIKE
Damn it, doctor. What’s the matter with me?
(Dr. Swanson puts the phone back on the receiver, stands up and slowly paces.)
DR. SWANSON
There’s no easy way to say this Mike, so I’m just going to come out with it.
MIKE
Alright.
DR. SWANSON
I mean there’s no reason to keep you waiting any longer.
MIKE
Okay.
DR. SWANSON
You deserve to know what’s wrong with you. And I’m the only one who can tell you.
MIKE
Dr. Swanson!
(Mike hiccups.)
DR. SWANSON
You have…Singulatitis.
MIKE
Singulatitis?
DR. SWANSON
Singulatitis, there I said it.
MIKE
What in the world is Singulatitis?
DR. SWANSON
You don’t know?
MIKE
No. Is it bad?
DR. SWANSON
Very bad.
MIKE
How bad?
DR. SWANSON
Extremely bad.
(Mike hiccups.)
MIKE
Oh dear lord. Is it fatal?
DR. SWANSON
Very fatal.
MIKE
How fatal?
DR. SWANSON
Extremely fatal.
(Mike hiccups.)
MIKE
How long do I have, doc?
DR. SWANSON
Mike…
MIKE
Tell me, damn it! I demand to know.
DR. SWANSON
Once I tell you Mike, you can’t take it back. It’s not something you can forget. The number I say will be looming over you like a big grey death cloud until the day you eventually die a horrible death at the merciless hands of Singulatitis. Are you prepared to handle that?
MIKE
I think so.
DR. SWANSON
You’ve got to do better than that, son. I’m about to tell you how long you have to live. I’m about to put a salary cap on your life. I’m about to reveal to you your expiration date, your dooms day, your check out time.
MIKE
I can handle it. Tell me.
DR. SWANSON
One hundred percent of patients diagnosed with Singulatitis will eventually die.
MIKE
How eventually? 10 years? 15?
(Mike hiccups.)
DR. SWANSON
At the rate the Singulatitis is attacking your body; you have…one hundred and fifty year to live. One hundred and sixty if you’re lucky.
(There is a long silence.)
MIKE
Oh my god.
DR. SWANSON
I’m sorry, Mike.
MIKE
Is there any hope?
DR. SWANSON
None.
MIKE
Is there any medicine I can take?
DR. SWANSON
I’m going to prescribe you some aspirin. It won’t do much for the Singulatitis, but it should help your headache go away.
MIKE
I don’t have a headache.
DR. SWANSON
You will eventually. Everyone gets headaches.
MIKE
This can’t be happening.
DR. SWANSON
Mike…
MIKE
How am I supposed to tell this to my wife, doc? How am I supposed to look her in her eyes and tell her I only one hundred and fifty years to live, one hundred and sixty, tops?
DR. SWANSON
Would you like me to call her in here for you?
MIKE
I would like you to tell me that I’m not going to die before the year 2200.
DR. SWANSON
I can’t do that Mike, you know I can’t.
MIKE
This isn’t fair. I’m not even thirty years old. I don’t deserve this.
DR. SWANSON
I’m going to call Brittany in here, Mike. I’ll tell her everything myself. Are you alright with that?
(Mike nods his head. Dr. Swanson picks up the phone and dials the receptionist.)
Would you send Mrs. Riley in here please? Thank you.
(Dr. Swanson hangs up the phone and takes a pack of gum out of his pocket.)
Would you like a piece?
(Mike shakes his head "no." Dr. Swanson takes out a piece of gum and puts it in his mouth. He replaces the pack in his pocket as BRITTANY enters. Brittany is also in her 20’s.)
Mrs. Riley. Please have a seat.
BRITTANY
What’s the matter, doctor? Mike, is everything okay?
(Mike slowly starts nod his head "yes," then begins to shake his head "no.")
What in the hell’s going on in here?
DR. SWANSON
I’m afraid I have some bad news, Mrs. Riley.
BRITTANY
Oh my god. It’s cancer, isn’t it?
DR. SWANSON
I’m afraid not.
BRITTANY
Worse than cancer? Jesus, no.
DR. SWANSON
Your husband has been positively diagnosed with Singulatitis.
BRITTANY
Singulatitis?
DR. SWANSON
Singulatitis. He only has one hundred and fifty years to live.
(Silence.)
BRITTANY
Holy shit. Mike, oh baby. Oh Mike, we’re going to get through this you and me. We’re going to beat this thing together. We’re going to beat it, aren’t we Dr. Swanson?
DR. SWANSON
I’m afraid not, Mrs. Riley. No one diagnosed with Singulatitis has every lived longer than one hundred and sixty years. Most don’t reach one hundred and fifty.
MIKE
I just thought of something.
BRITTANY
What’s that baby?
MIKE
I’m not going to be here to see my great, great, great, great, great grandchildren.
BRITTANY
Mike, don’t talk like that.
MIKE
Tell them I was strong, Brittany. Tell them I fought this thing to the very end.
BRITTANY
You’re going to tell them yourself, babe. You’re going to tell them yourself.
MIKE
You remember that oak tree you and I planted in the back yard the first year we were married?
BRITTANY
Of course I do, baby.
MIKE
Now that oak tree is going to live longer than me. Son of a bitch.
DR. SWANSON
Mike, as your doctor I’m not supposed to say this to you, but I can take your pain away. I can see to it that you fall asleep nice and easy and you never, ever, wake up. You won’t have to suffer anymore—waiting to die.
MIKE
What do you think Brittany?
BRITTANY
Oh Mike, I don’t know. I would love to spend the next hundred and fifty years with you, but I don’t want you to be in pain.
DR. SWANSON
He won’t actually be in any pain.
BRITTANY
He won’t?
DR. SWANSON
No, but it’s not going to be a walk in the park either.
MIKE
What do you mean?
DR. SWANSON
Singulatitis is a very serious disease. His eyes will start to go first. In about twenty years, he won’t be able to see…without reading glasses.
BRITTANY
Jesus!
DR. SWANSON
Eventually his hair is going to start falling out, and what hair doesn’t fall out will almost certainly turn grey.
BRITTANY
Baby…
DR. SWANSON
In his later years he’ll become increasingly grumpy and easily agitated. He’ll want to start eating dinner at 4pm and he’ll develop a very strong desire to move to South Florida and play golf.
BRITTANY
(Crying)
No…no.
MIKE
I just realized something.
DR. SWANSON
Yes Mike?
MIKE
My hiccups are gone.
BRITTANY
What?
MIKE
I haven’t hiccupped in over five minutes.
DR. SWANSON
God, you’re right.
MIKE
This is the longest I’ve gone without hiccupping in two months.
DR. SWANSON
It looks like you’re cured.
MIKE
What? Are you serious? Just like that? It’s a miracle.
DR. SWANSON
The shock I put you through must have made them go away. I’ll be damned.
BRITTANY
I knew you’d beat it baby. I just knew it. How do you feel?
MIKE
I feel great. I’m going to live. I’m going to live!
DR. SWANSON
Wait. Are we talking about the hiccups are the Singulatitis?
MIKE
What do you mean?
DR. SWANSON
When I said you were cured, I was referring to the hiccups. There is no cure for Singulatitis. Actually the hiccups and the Singulatitis are unrelated. The fact that you had both at the same time was just a coincidence. I’m sorry if I mislead you.
MIKE
You mean I still only have one hundred and fifty year to live?
DR. SWANSON
Possibly one hundred and sixty.
MIKE
No…no…this can’t be happening.
(Mike runs out.)
BRITTANY
Mike…Michael…
(Brittany runs after him.)
DR. SWANSON
(Addressing the audience.)
I wish I could tell you that Mike eventually overcame Singulatitis. I wish I could tell you that outlived his oak tree and that he was there at his great, great, great, great, great grand daughter’s wedding. But he didn’t and he wasn’t. Mike Riley died in his sleep at his home in Florida on his 92 nd birthday of natural causes. His wife Brittany never remarried and she died two days later. Singulatitis is a very serious disease. How serious you ask? Extremely serious.
Lights out
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sarawhitehead222
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Posted: Sun May 11th, 2008 05:57 am |
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Troy,
I thoroughly enjoyed your short play. I found it to be an very interesting look at a possible future for humanity, as well perspective in general. Relativity is a very interesting concept, as something like, to use your play as an example, hiccups, would seem like a minor thing, yet, strangely enough for someone who lives for such a long time, it is a big deal. I found this a very interesting take on the matter. It was thought provoking, and enjoyable to read, while still maintaining an air on incredulity.
Thank you for posting :)
Sara
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