Calvindurro
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PATRICK SPIERS BRAND NEW BLUE MUFFLER
(Theodore Spiers enters his living room wearing his pajamas. His living room is combined as a dining room to save space. Theodore Spiers is a cold man with very little love in his heart. He has grey piercing eyes, with many bags under them. As if he has the kind of Job that requires you to stay late and come early... Like a lawyer or accountant. His philosophy is that life isn't fair. So be it. His living room is of a stale color. Near the front door is a large coat and hat rack. Hanging on this rack is a long overcoat, a regular coat, a Hat, a school boys coat, and 2 mufflers. A standing mirror is at the end of the stage (it can be see through though). He goes over to the coat rack and begins to scrutinize his coats profusely. Once he's satisfied he checks his hat. He neglects to check his muffler. Once he's satisfied he goes to the standing mirror and checks himself even more scrupulously. Suddenly his wife, Virginia Spiers enters the room with a pot of coffee in her hand. She is the polar opposite of Theodore, in every sense. She is a Blonde, bubbly, good natured woman.)
VIRGINIA
Coffee!
THEODORE
What?!
VIRGINIA
Coffee!
THEODORE
Damnit, Virginia!
VIRGINIA
Yes?
THEODORE
What is it?!
VIRGINIA
Coffee time! Who wants some coffee??
THEODORE
I don't want any of your stupid coffee. You're coffee is stupid. I don't want any coffee.
VIRGINIA
But you always like to drink coffee in the morning before you go to work.
THEODORE
Well today... I don't want any coffee. Honestly, I'd rather take a hacksaw to my ankles and viciously cut away my own flesh while I watch in terror and writhe in agony than drink any of your coffee.
VIRGINIA
Are you alright, sweetie?
THEODORE
Am I alright? Am I alright? Of course I'm alright! I hate that! I hate it! Why do people always say 'are you alright?' Yes, of course, if I wasn't alright I might say something. Even if I'm not alright, the fact that you so openly put it out there not only disrespects me, but makes you look stupid.
VIRGINIA
Are you tired?
THEODORE
Maybe I'm a little tired. Maybe that's why I'm not alright! Great deduction, Holmes!
VIRGINIA
You were late home last night.
THEODORE
(In a mocking tone)
You were late home last night! You were home late last night! About one!
VIRGINIA
What?
THEODORE
You asked what time I was home, I told you, about one. Listen for once in your life.
VIRGINIA
I didn't
THEODORE
You didn't what?
VIRGINIA
I didn't ask what time you were home.
THEODORE
Well, I told you, anyway. About one.
VIRGINIA
It must have been later than that...
THEODORE
Maybe 1:10!
VIRGINIA
Are you sure?
THEODORE
1:15! 1:16! 1:17! What does it matter, Around one-ish.
VIRGINIA
I remember I got up at 1:30 and you weren't home yet. I looked at the clock and it said 1:31 and you weren't home.
THEODORE
It might have been 1:45!
(Patrick, Mr. and Mrs. Spiers child enters the room almost ready for school, he still heeds to put on his hat and muffler. It's cold out today. He is a very innocent child with wide eyes full of wonder.)
VIRGINIA
(She grabs a bowl of pre-made cereal and puts it in front of Patrick's place at the table)
Did Mr. Beskin give you a lift?
THEODORE
No. No Mr. Beskin did NOT give me a lift.
VIRGINIA
Alright, honey, I only asked.
THEODORE
Give me my coffee.
VIRGINIA
(While pouring coffee)
A dinner is one thing... I mean... a man ought to have an evening with his friends. But you ought to get your rest, Theodore. Not that I had much rest last night. Oh, I had such a terrible dream! I dreamed that...
THEODORE
(He sputters a little and jerks his hand allowing a little bit of coffee to land on his dining table)
If there's one thing that I hate more than a coffee spill on my table... Do you see this mess?
VIRGINIA
Really dear, you asked so brusquely for your coffee...
PATRICK
Daddy spilled the coffee, mommy. His hand jerked
(He demonstrates)
Just like that.
(Mr. Spiers shoots his son one of the most nastiest looks available in his arsenal. Patrick immediately closes his mouth and begins to be very interested in his cereal.)
THEODORE
I was saying... that if I detest anything more than a filthy mess in my saucer, it is the sort of pure idiot who blathers on about a dream at the breakfast table. Nobody cares what stupid nonsense your subconscious made up for you to be entertained by in your sleep. It's always something like 'I was riding on top of a rhinoceros and I looked down at the face of the rhinoceros and it had my mothers face... and it told me to eat my peas. And I kept trying to eat this large pile of peas on the ground, but I couldn't because the peas kept replenishing themselves.' I'll tell you what your dream means... you think your mother is a rhinoceros... or you think a rhinoceros is you mother... or maybe you might go swimming! WHO KNOWS?! They're stupid figments of your stupid imagination! Nobody cares about yours or anybody else's dreams!
VIRGINIA
Oh, my dream! Alright, honey, if you don't want to hear it that's fine.
PATRICK
I once had a dream that I was a lion...
THEODORE
You... are not... a lion.
PATRICK
I...
THEODORE
You... are NOT... a lion. You are not the king of the savannah.
PATRICK
Daddy, lions are the king of the jungle.
THEODORE
Have ever seen a lion in a jungle?
PATRICK
I...
THEODORE
No... you haven't. That's because Lions don't live in the jungle. Lions live in Africa. They live on a plain with very tall grasses called The Savannah! That's where they prey on unsuspected antelope... and unsuspected tourists... Humans. Yes. Lions feast on human flesh. So what your really saying, Patrick, is that you have a deep rooted desire to feed on human flesh. Is that so?
PATRICK
No, Daddy...
VIRGINIA
My dream was about you... that's all...
THEODORE
Either tell your dream, or don't tell it.
VIRGINIA
You said you didn't want to hear it.
THEODORE
There is no more disgusting or offensive sort of idiot than a woman who hatches up a mystery and then...
VIRGINIA
There is no mystery... You said you didn't want to he...
THEODORE
Will you kindly put an end to this and tell me whatever nonsense it was that you dreamed and let us be done with it. Imagine you are dictating a telegram back in the old days and you get charged by the word. So try to use the least amount of words possible.
VIRGINIA
Well...
THEODORE
VERY BRIEF!
VIRGINIA
Mr. Theodore Spiers. Akron, Ohio. Radclyffe Avenue. Wrexton garden suburb. I dreamed to you were electrified.
PATRICK
Electrocuted, mommy.
VIRGINIA
Electrocuted, sweetheart.
(Theodore stops dead in his tracks and pays very close attention to Virginia as if this was a joke.)
PATRICK
What's the matter, daddy? You look as if mommy's just been turned into a rhinoceros.
VIRGINIA
You were electrocuted...
(She gives a wink at patrick)
Because of a murder in the middle of the night. It was so vivid, dear! I was quite glad when you said you were back by 1:45.
PATRICK
That's not true.
VIRGINIA
What's not true?
PATRICK
Daddy wasn't home at 1:45.
VIRGINIA
How do you know?
THEODORE
Ofcourse I was... you were a tired little boy and you don't know anything.
VIRGINIA
What do you mean, Patrick?
PATRICK
I stayed up till at least 2:30 last night watching The Pagemaster, mommy.
VIRGINIA
And Daddy weren't home yet when the movie was over?
PATRICK
Wasn't home, mommy.
THEODORE
If that child corrects me or you one more time in front of my face again I swear to god...
VIRGINIA
Hush hush, Patrick. That was my entire dream, sweetheart. I dreamed you committed a murder and you were electrocuted for it.
PATRICK
Daddy was electrocuted? Mommy, whom did he murder? Tell me all the grisly details!
THEODORE
Little boys shouldn't want to hear about their fathers murdering people and then get electrocuted for it...
VIRGINIA
Well, it really was grisly. I woke up feeling quite depressed.
THEODORE
Who did I murder?
VIRGINIA
It was just a dream...
THEODORE
Who was it, Virginia?
VIRGINIA
It was poor Mr. Beskin.
THEODORE
...What?
VIRGINIA
Yes! You murdered poor Mr. Beskin.
THEODORE
No...
VIRGINIA
Though why you would murder your own partner, I have no idea...
PATRICK
Because he insisted on looking at the books!
THEODORE
Don't you start... I swear...
PATRICK
Well, that's how it always happens in the movies...
VIRGINIA
That is how it always happens... and then they get murdered. I knew it would be one or the other for you, Honey. Murdered or Electrified.
PATRICK
Electrocuted, mommy. And Daddy, it's "Whom did I murder"
THEODORE
SHUT UP! YOU BASTARD CHILD! YOU ARE THE WORST KID EVER TO BE FOUND ON A TURN PIKE. YOU LITTLE...
VIRGINIA
Well, darling, there you were, with Mr. Beskin, late at night, and he was driving you home in his car, but you decided to stop at his house for a nightcap, and you were chatting about business... you know how people can dream the most difficult conversations, about things they don't know anything about, and it sounds alright, and of course, it's all nonsense. It's the same with jokes. I once dreamed I made up the best joke you ever heard, and when I woke up...
THEODORE
Go on.
VIRGINIA
It was about a man who... no... it was a little boy... and this little boy is on a train and he...
THEODORE
No, not the joke. The dream. GO ON WITH THE DREAM.
VIRGINIA
Well, my sweet, you were chatting and you drove right into his garage, and it was os narrow that the doors of the car would only open on one side, and so you got out first and you said to him, 'wait a minute,' and you tilted up the front seat of that little Chevrolet of his, and you got in to the back where your coats and hats were. Did I say you were driving along without your overcoats on, because it was one of those cool nights we were having...
THEODORE
Continue.
VIRGINIA
Well... there were your coats and hats on the back seat, and Mr. Beskin still sat at the wheel, and the was that dark overcoat he always wears, and your light sweater you wore yesterday, and your silk mufflers, and your hats, and everything, and you picked up one of the mufflers, they both had white polka dots on them, I think he was wearing one like yours last time he came to lunch on Sunday. Only his was dark blue. Well, you picked up the mufflers, and you were talking to him, and you tied a knot in it, and all of the sudden, you put it round his neck and strangled him. You strangled him to death. He died.
PATRICK
Because he'd asked to look at the books?
THEODORE
It's... It's too much...
VIRGINIA
It was nearly too much for me. I was so upset, in my dream. You got a piece of rope and tied it to the end of the scarf, and then to the bar across the top of the garage, so it looked like he had gone and hanged himself.
THEODORE
My god...
VIRGINIA
It was so vivid, I can't begin to describe... And then it all got mixed up, like dreams always do, and I kept on seeing you with that muffler on, and it kept twisting around your neck. And then you were on trial, and they brought in... the muffler. Only, seeing it by daylight, it was Mr. Beskin's, because it was dark blue. Only by the artificial light did it look black.
THEODORE
Extrordinary.
PATRICK
Cool, mommy!
VIRGINIA
It's silly, of course. Only you WOULD have me tell you.
THEODORE
I wonder if it is so silly though. As a matter of fact, I did ride home with Beskin last night...
VIRGINIA
But you said...
THEODORE
I was mistaken.
VIRGINIA
Oh.
THEODORE
And we had a very serious talk. Not to go into details, it happened I'd caught onto something very odd at the office. Well, I gave it to him. We sat talking for a long time. Maybe it WAS later than I thought when I got home. When I left him, do you know, I had the most horrible premonition. I thought 'that guys going to kill himself!' That's what I thought. I very nearly turned back. I felt like a... well, I felt responsible. It's a serious business. I spoke to him very forcefully.
VIRGINIA
You don't mean Mr. Beskin's a fraud?! We're not ruined, Theodore... Right?
THEODORE
Not ruined, but there's been some pretty deep dipping.
VIRGINIA
Are you sure it's him? He seems so honest.
THEODORE
Him or me. And it weren't me.
PATRICK
Wasn't me.
THEODORE
Wasn't me.
VIRGINIA
But you don't think he's...hanged himself... do you?
THEODORE
God Forbid! But considering that feeling I had... well... perhaps the dream came just from the feeling.
VIRGINIA
It's true that Rose Waterhouse dreamed of water when her brother was away sailing...
THEODORE
Well there you go!
VIRGINIA
But he wasnt drowned...
THEODORE
There are THOUSANDS of such cases. They're generally wrong on all details.
VIRGINIA
I hope so!
THEODORE
For example, it happens we both kept our coats on, and our mufflers too, all the time last night. The atmosphere was hardly intimate.
VIRGINIA
I should think not.
THEODORE
Yes.
VIRGINIA
Who would have thought it of Mr. Beskin?
THEODORE
His wife would not have thought it, the poor woman.
VIRGINIA
Elizabeth!
THEODORE
I have resolved to spare her. So, Virginia, Patrick, whatever has happened or, alternatively, has not happened, not a word. Not one word is to be said about this to anyone. Do you hear? To anyone! You know nothing. A single word might lead to disgrace for the whole wretched Beskin family.
VIRGINIA
You are right, sweetheart, I will see to young Patrick.
Without another word she exits, feeling as if her day has meant something because of her newly appointed task.
THEODORE
Are you finished with your cereal?
PATRICK
Yes, Daddy.
THEODORE
Did you enjoy Mommy's story?
PATRICK
Yes, Daddy.
THEODORE
Good. Now run along.
PATRICK
(He gets up and goes over to the coat rack and gets his jacket on)
Thanks Daddy. I might have missed my bus.
(He picks up a muffler and puts it around his neck. Theodore reads his newspaper. Patrick approaches him)
Daddy?
THEODORE (FROM BEHIND NEWSPAPER)
Hmmm?
PATRICK
Who's muffler is this, Daddy? It's not yours. This one is dark blue. Can I wear it? It's all warm and soft...
THEODORE
(Brings his newspaper down very slowly, he surveys his only son very slowly and looks him up and down. A smile slowly spreads on his face.)
Come here, Patrick. Don't worry about catching the bus today. I'll drive you.
(Lights slowly fade down.)
End.
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