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for when edd comes back

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leon
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Joined:	Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location:	Upstate, New York USA
Posts:	284
Status:	Offline
Mana:

Posted: Sat Apr 26th, 2008 03:15 pm

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bummer. haven't been on the site for a few weeks, then i write a short play and figure to post it in edd's contest -- and he retires! story of my life. if i told you how many artistic directors loved my plays and wanted to do them in a year or two, then died, you'd be astonished.

well, here's the play for when edd comes back...

WELCOME TO OUR FESTIVAL

By Leon Kaye

c. 2008

All Rights Reserved.

(KURT stands alone on stage. He’s dressed casually and can basically be anyone/any type/any age.)

Hello, my name is Kurt and welcome to our festival of very funny ten minute plays we got without paying the playwrights. The best things in life are free, right? I have a few announcements before the plays begin.

First, if you have a cell phone, please turn it off… cause they cause cancer. (LAUGHS) I don’t know why I’m laughing. They really do. It’s sad actually, tragic. A lot of the companies have buy one get one free deals, and it’s like (as if handing a cell phone to someone) here’s a bout of chemo for you (handing to another) and another one for you.

Next, if you need to smoke, there are smoking facilities… in your house. Or in your car. Try and sell one of those babies that reek of cigarettes, good luck. And remember, for every two packs you smoke I smoke one, so please refrain. My grandfather didn’t smoke but my grandmother did. And when he died, they did an autopsy. Yeah, his lungs were like wet kelp. (grimacing) Disgusting, kind of like the baby with a mouth on the side of his head. (demonstrates)

And let’s see… fire exits… there’s the doors from which you came in. And if there is a fire, I suggest you run, don’t walk, to the exits. Cause I think only the first few will get out okay. And given the size of this crowd and the pandemonium that would ensue in a fire, I would think a great deal of you would be trampled underfoot in the frenzy for survival. Yes, yes, it’s terrible but the young athletic ones always push from behind. They push and push, knock the weak ones to the ground… just like in high school. Then you fall and your torso becomes like a pinota getting beaten by a group of starving children.

For the elderly and the disabled, I would just remain in your seats. Slow aphixiation is a much more humane form of death than having a group of flameco dancers doing a number on your back.

(as if he hears a voice from OS) Oh yes, there is one other exit I forgot about, yes. If you can make your way up the stage and to the right, there is a hallway. You go down the hallway, make a right, do down a second hallway to the third door, make a left, go down another set of stairs, make a right, go down a hallway, then through a cave. And then there’s a door marked “house of pain” on the right. Go through the house of pain. You will be in no pain. (pause) No pain if you move quickly through and avoid the funny little man. Then there’s the dressing rooms. And then a left and a slide and the fun house mirror and exit.

Of course if the fire originates in the boiler room, then scratch all that.

There are pull boxes and fire extinguishers located in… in… (looks OS for prodding) Okay, if you have a large blanket… or maybe a coat, and one that’s made out of naugehide or suede is best – cause they’re ugly and if you burned one, you’d be doing us all a really big favor. So that would be a good thing. You may have a singed lung, but there can be a bright side.

As for bathrooms (shakes his head) I would say only in life and death emergencies. The bathrooms have not been cleaned since 2005. And I’m sure they’re almost as dirty as that taco place they closed down with all the mice.

As for toilet paper, I’d bring my own. Sinks, they don’t work so (shrugs) it’s a staph infection waiting to happen is what I’m saying. I would just hold it till I got out on the street.

But if you’re still interested, they are located in the lobby and up the stairs. And I shouldn’t be telling you this but the liability policy on the theatre has lapsed. So if you slip on a wet stair and fall headfirst down and hit your head and black out, there is no insurance. Right, none. If you sued the theatre, and won, the theatre owners would gladly, and I mean gladly let you have -- all of this. So if there is a member of your family that is not gainfully employed, who sits around the house and plays Wii or Gameboy, here is his chance to take a bullet for the team. Here’s a golden opportunity to gain entry into the world of drama. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, right? But how do you get to own Carnegie Hall? Icy steps, buckling carpets and unscrupulous lawyers.

And last, just to remind everyone, next month, we will be reading monologs from those that survived near death experiences involving coronary thrombosis. We hope you can attend our production of “The Angina Monologues.” Thank you.

Proboscisbunny
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