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lostsocks
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Posted: Sat Dec 9th, 2006 04:45 pm |
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Well Here it is, taken from the slightly more elaborate version on my website:
http://www.socksofwrath.co.uk/samswriting/HSNT.html
Good use a lot of help with this, and hopefully get a decent submission letter worked together too... Ta in advance :)
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What Carl had really wanted was a nightmarish authoritarian dystopia, is it so much to ask? But all he managed to get was a world ruled by hatred and greed. Typical.
But it takes more than that to stop Carl, and with the loyal support of some chaps he met at the coffee shop he is determined to lead the people in glorious revolution; if anyone can think of a better way for him to get his leg over sexy-dissident-Maria, Carl would like to hear it.
The world is a super-wonderful neo-liberal paradise, ruled by the community-minded Taxcorp, everyone has shiny teeth, healthy hair and the coffee is cheap. But the world is about to change because Carl and his fellow children of the ®evolution have discovered that rebellion is big business.
As the revolution builds to its climax we learn all about the trials and tribulations that face your modern non-conformist dissident bohemian social revolutionary.
Can you successfully market a revolution?
Is it OK to have a monopoly on non-conformism?
Which brand of shampoo would Lenin have used?
But perhaps most importantly of all, what is the truth behind their mysterious manager Janus? and where has all of their funding really been coming from?
The world needs to be saved… From something… By someone and if Carl is lucky he might have worked out that much by the end of it all.
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leon
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| Joined: | Fri Jun 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Upstate, New York USA |
| Posts: | 284 |
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Posted: Mon Dec 11th, 2006 02:05 pm |
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What Carl had really wanted was a nightmarish authoritarian dystopia, is it so much to ask? But all he managed to get was a world ruled by hatred and greed.
maybe i'm a little daft, but, what???
Typical.
But it takes more than that to stop Carl, and with the loyal support of some chaps he met at the coffee shop he is determined to lead the people in glorious revolution; if anyone can think of a better way for him to get his leg over sexy-dissident-Maria, Carl would like to hear it.
this isn't pulling me into the story. a revolution to get maria's attention isn't making it. now, the next paragraph is fantastic...
The world is a super-wonderful neo-liberal paradise, ruled by the community-minded Taxcorp, everyone has shiny teeth, healthy hair and the coffee is cheap. But the world is about to change because Carl and his fellow children of the ®evolution have discovered that rebellion is big business.
As the revolution builds to its climax we learn all about the trials and tribulations that face your modern non-conformist dissident bohemian social revolutionary.
a bit wordy, but i think this is your pitch. a great idea... marketing a revolution.
Can you successfully market a revolution?
Is it OK to have a monopoly on non-conformism?
Which brand of shampoo would Lenin have used?
maybe even lead with these questions at the top of your pitch. you'll have your reader smiling ear to ear.
But perhaps most importantly of all, what is the truth behind their mysterious manager Janus? and where has all of their funding really been coming from?
The world needs to be saved… From something… By someone and if Carl is lucky he might have worked out that much by the end of it all.
great idea. love it.
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Edd
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| Joined: | Sat Jun 10th, 2006 |
| Location: | Denver, Colorado USA |
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Posted: Mon Dec 11th, 2006 03:49 pm |
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"The world is a super-wonderful neo-liberal paradise, ruled by the community-minded Taxcorp, everyone has shiny teeth, healthy hair and the coffee is cheap. But the world is about to change because Carl and his fellow children of the ®evolution have discovered that rebellion is big business.
As the revolution builds to its climax we learn all about the trials and tribulations that face your modern non-conformist dissident bohemian social revolutionary."
As Leon pointed out, this is the heart of it. The fewer words the better. If it is overly verbose the reader may suspect, and rightly so, that the dialogue of the play itself might also be.
For my taste, lostsocks, the above quote seems to cut to the chase and is all you really need? It is concise, informative and catches the imagination. What else do you need. Paddy has a theory that a synopsis, whenever possible, should be condensed into a single sentence. However difficult that is, I agree that it ought to be at least a goal. On your website or in a press release the long version may work splendidly, but to include that much in a cover letter when sending out your script is not to your advantage.
Thank you.
What did you write today?
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lostsocks
Member
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Posted: Mon Dec 11th, 2006 05:52 pm |
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Thanks, I think you're right there.
Less is usually more :)
It felt like a bit of a mouthful but I'm never sure how much I can take out (cos I know what's going to happen so i don't need it explaining).
I'll cut it down to the "meat" and play with the layout some
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