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LeesuhBee
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 07:16 pm |
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Hi All,
I have officially lost all objectivity with regards to this scene. It is the first scene introducing these two characters for my full length play. I would really appreciate any feed back you can give; specifically I'd like to know if this is interesting and leaves you wanting more, or is so boring and "oh my god these characters are so depressing"?
Thank you soooo much! Also, please excuse the spacing, I can't seem to get it right here, when I cut and paste it moves around.
-- lisa b
ACT I
Scene 2
SETTING: 5am in a small apartment in San Francisco. Generally in disarray. A kitchenette perhaps stage left. A living room center. Down left an easel and paints and partially completed canvases. Right stands a mannequin. Various implements for sewing, fabrics, sketches etc. strewn about.
AT RISE: The lights are all on. The front door is ajar. The radio is on. ANDREW enters dressing for work as a line cook. He turns off the radio.
ANDREW
Silvy? Silvy, where are you?
(SILVY enters from the
front door.)
SILVY
Hello, handsome. Going to work already?
ANDREW
You didn’t come to bed.
SILVY
I couldn’t sleep.
ANDREW
Where were you?
SILVY
Out.
ANDREW
Where?
SILVY
Just out.
ANDREW
It’s five am in the morning. Where does one just go out at five in the morning?
SILVY
I don’t know.
ANDREW
Where have you been? And with who?
SILVY
Out. Just out.
ANDREW
I don’t like this, Silvy. And I’m also too tired it.
SILVY
You can’t control my every move, you know.
ANDREW
Yes, but aren’t we supposed to be in a relationshi -. You know what, never mind. Go where you want. Do what you want. I don’t care.
SILVY
I will.
ANDREW
Who am I to ask anything of you?
SILVY
That isn’t fair.
ANDREW
Isn’t it? I think it is. You, who cannot speak to anyone, you, who cannot stand open spaces. Just where does such a person go in the middle of the night? I think the question is a fair one.
SILVY
I just had to get out. That’s all you need to know. Unless you don’t trust me.
ANDREW
Trust has nothing to do with it. I’m going to be late. I’ll see you when I get home. Or not.
SILVY
It’s embarrassing.
ANDREW
Oh, Jesus.
SILVY
No, not like that. I was at the Kwikee-Mart, okay?
ANDREW
Did you need something?
SILVY
No. I was just hanging out.
ANDREW
With who?
SILVY
No-one.
ANDREW
At the Kwikee-Mart? On the corner?
SILVY
I was working on a new design, and I hit a wall and I couldn’t sleep. So I went there and Rohit and I started talking.
ANDREW
Rohit?
SILVY
Yeah, he’s a really nice guy. You’re always saying I need to make friends.
ANDREW
Yes, but –
SILVY
And I think this is a good start.
ANDREW(unconvincingly)
Good for you.
SILVY
It was so liberating. I just walked in there and I introduced myself. And then we were just, like, connecting with out humanity and life. It was great!
ANDREW
Wonderful.
SILVY
I’m sorry if I got you worried.
ANDREW
Now I really am going to be late.
SILVY
I love you. Please don’t be mad.
ANDREW
I’m not mad, Silvy. I’m tired. There’s a difference.
SILVY
Please don’t leave angry.
ANDREW
I’m not.
SILVY
Then say you love me.
ANDREW
I love you.
SILVY
Say it like you mean it.
ANDREW
Good bye, Silvy.
(ANDREW exits out the front
door. SILVY suddenly collapses
on the couch and sobs heartily.)
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nic
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 01:52 am |
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I'm nervous about this. My advise to anyone is not to take advice from anyone who's opinion you don't value and you don't know me from Adam.
But for mine the scene becomes interesting when Sylvie admits... confesses? that she's been to the Kwimart and struck up a conversation with Rushie?
Now that suggests something to me.... she's on the verge of irrationality... her relationship with Andrew is about to be tested because this will be the first of a string of odd and unexplained actions?
So for mine I'd cut much of the where were you... don't you trust me sort of dialogue and just have Sylvie come out with it.
Now don't take any notice if that doesn't make sense to you.
The best Nic
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LeesuhBee
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 02:35 am |
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Thanks so much for the feedback. It is very helpful!
It is true that I don't know anyone here from Adam, but sometimes there is nothing so priceless as a fresh set of eyes on my work. And I feel I trust everyone on this site to give thoughtful criticism. And, as you say, ultimately, it is up to the individual playwright to use or not use the suggestions given.
I better get back to writing!
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in media res
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 03:53 am |
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I think the criticism on this site is some of the best I have seen. I have been in universities, professional funded workshops, private workshops regional theatres, you name it.
Everyone here seems to take seriously the respectful critiquing of the WORK and not the person or personality, because most of us do not know who the heck anyone is. I have been in workshops, etc. where the personalities have gotten into arguments and/or hissy fits just because of the combative egos or personalities involved and it has had nothing to do with the writing. Or there are sacred cows - like the moderator/director/artistic director, who gets away with atrocious, inept and murderous writing or critiquing because he/she is "the moderator or teacher or artistic director!" (Any others have experience with this?)
This FORUM may not be the best for "long form" but from what I've seen, it works out pretty welll especially on short form. I think everyone here has been great. I think it is time to congratulate ourselves! (And Knock on Wood!)
Curious to know how others weigh in on this opinion.
best,
in media resLast edited on Wed Feb 21st, 2007 03:55 am by in media res
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bobbichukran
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 05:39 pm |
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Hi Lisa,
I agree with Nic, I think. It starts getting intriguing to me when Silvy admits that she's been to the Kwikimart...you wonder, why? And who is this person she went to see? Maybe just cut some of that other dialogue and jump in at that point...?
I think you are VERY brave for posting that, too. good luck with it.
bobbi c.
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LeesuhBee
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 02:11 pm |
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Thanks all for the feedback! After sitting on this for a few days I have decided to fuse this scene with another scene. I think its really improved and I'm pretty excited about it!
- lisa b
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bobbichukran
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 02:22 pm |
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Wonderful! "Sitting on things" for a few days (or weeks) has helped me tremendously with my writing, too.
bobbi c.
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Will Kemp
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Posted: Sun Mar 23rd, 2008 12:29 am |
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Hi, I know this is an old post but I wanted to answer it: It admire anybody who has the courage to ask, "Is this boring?" It shows that you care about your audience.
I got interested in the characters and the scene at the speech that Andrew makes here:
"You, who cannot speak to anyone. . ." etc.
I believe you could actually start the scene at that line. It makes me curious about why she was out, and the answer was interesting that she gives. Prior to that, I thought he was going to accuse her of streetwalking or going out on himm, and I wasn't THAT interested. I wasn't totally bored, but when he kept after her, it was a bit redundant. . . and then, you came up with this interesting speech.
So what happened to this play? Was this just an exercise? Did you actually write the play or what?
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Corerro
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Posted: Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 05:45 pm |
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| Boring? No, I wouldn't say so. There are some moments that become convoluted because of an extra word or two, but there's an interesting vulnerability in the Silvy character that I liked. The guy might be a tad "mean" and dismissive... But that's what I thought.
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SeanD
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Posted: Wed Apr 23rd, 2008 09:42 pm |
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No part of it's really "boring". A lot of it is how the actors act it out.
Sean
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