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brettfauver
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 04:32 am |
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Attention Deficit Classics Presents
The Second Most Overrated Film of All-Time in just under 15 minutes
2006 Brett Fauver
SOG: What do we care, anyway, we’re expelled from college and the yanks will want war. WAR, I tells ya!
Chartreuse: Fiddle-dee-dee, war. War, war, war. This war talk will spoil all of our fun. Besides there won’t be any war. No war. Not now. Not gonna be no war nohow.
SOG: Those yanks just want a war. What do you mean no war? Of course there’s gonna be a war.
Chartreuse: If you say war one more time. . .
SOG: Don’t you want a war?
Chartreuse: Enough with the war, already!
SOG: What else is there to talk about besides the wuh – impending conflict?
Char: How about the barbecue at the Wilts over at Twelve Shrubs?
SOG: Only if we can Waltz, Chartreuse.
Char: You ensemble player, you, you should call me Ms. O’Hara.
SOG: Only if it’s expository.
CHAR: Oh, it is, honey, it is.
SOG: So, Chartreuse O’Hara, I hear that Melonhead Hamilton, Ashley Wilt’s goody-goody cousin from Atlanta will be here soon to go to the barbecue. She’s a pretty one, and you know how it is in their family. With the marriage of the cousins and all. Ashley will probably marry melonhead. Hey, look at that, it’s the next day and we’re at the barbecue.
CHAR: GASP! It can’t be true. It can’t it can’t it can’t! Ashley loves me! Not melonhead that ninny idiot blonde vapid good-for nothing –
MELONHEAD enters.
CHAR: wonderful girl that you are melonhead. I haven’t seen you in ages.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, Turquiose, I’m so glad to see you again/
Char: That’s Chartreuse, darling.
ASHLEY: Chartreuse! Chartreuse! I have something to tell you, my dear.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, I hope we can become real friends, Periwinkle.
CHAR: Yes.
ASHLEY: We’ll take care of her here, won’t we Chartreuse?
CHAR: Yes.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, Fuchsia, I wish I could be like you with all that life.
CHARTREUSE: It’s Chartreuse.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, Aquamarine, I’ve admired you so, I wish I could be like you.
CHARTREUSE: Don’t flatter, insincerity is unbecoming of a lady.
ASHLEY: Melonhead is nothing if not sincere.
CHARTREUSE: Don’t mind Ashley, dear, he never says what he means.
ASHLEY: Chartreuse. . .
MELONHEAD: I do declare, who is that dog lookin’ fella looking over at us?
SOG: That’s Brett Rutler.
MELONHEAD: I do declare. . .
CHARTREUSE: I wonder who built him.
SOG: We’re going to war! Georgia’s fightin’ and so is we! War with the yanks.
CHARTREUSE: What did I tell you about that word?
SOG: Conflict! Conflict with the Yanks because of their Northern Aggression!
CHARTREUSE: That’s better.
BRETT: War is something we can’t win against the yanks. They’re better equipped and history proves we’ll lose.
CHARTREUSE: Excuse me, Mr. Rutler, but I’ve already said I have heard enough of this war.
BRETT: Frankly, Chartreuse. . .
CHARTREUSE: Not yet, Brett.
BRETT: The North has all the factories and cannons, all we have is cotton and arrogance.
SOG: Are you saying that the North will lick us?
ALL: Eeeeeeewwwhttp://www. Cotton mouth.
SOG: Why I oughta-
ASHLEY: No! Nononononono! No! He best shot in county. He take you make you dead. Me take Brett around plantation. Let cool head prevail.
ASHLEY and BRETT leave.
SOG: That coward!
CHARTREUSE: Wait! Ashley, are you going to conflict?
ASHLEY: Yes, I am Chartreuse.
CHARTREUSE: But I thought you were going to marry me.
ASHLEY: Don’t be ridiculous, I was going to marry Melonhead.
CHARTREUSE: But you don’t really love Melonhead!
ASHLEY: Who cares about love! Have you seen her melons? I mean, she is blood.
CHARTREUSE: Eeeeww. I thought this was Georgia, not Kentucky.
ASHLEY: I must go.
ASHLEY leaves. CHARTREUSE stomps around, breaking stuff.
BRETT: Whah? Ahh! Has the war started?
CHARTREUSE: How dare you sneak up on me like that?
BRETT: I have a cold.
CHARTREUSE: you should have made you’re presence known. You are no gentleman.
BRETT: And you no lady.
SOG: The war’s starting, the war’s starting!
SOC: Miss O’Hara, Miss O’Hara, Miss O’Hara! The war! The war! The war! It’s a starting!
CHAR slaps SOC and SOG, regains composure.
CHARTREUSE: Fiddle-dee-dee. Everyone is leaving me?
SOG: Everyone. Will that upset you?
CHAR: I’ll cry on my pillow every night.
SOG: Oh, Miss O'Hara, I've told you I loved you. I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world. And the sweetest, the dearest. I know that I couldn't hope that you could love me, so "clumsy and stupid, not nearly good enough for you. But if you could, if you could think of marrying me, I'd do anything in the world for you, just anything, I promise!
CHAR: What?
SOG: Marry me, become Mrs. Chuck Hamilton.
CHAR: Eh, why not.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, Tangerine, that makes us sisters!
CHAR: Fiddle-dee-dee.
SOG: Ladies, do you remember Brett Rutler? He’s a great boon to our cause – Captain Rutler is a blockade runner! Ladies, we’ll need your jewelry for the cause.
CHAR: We’re not wearing any. We’re in mourning.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, you can take my ring.
CHAR: Yeah, sure, mine too.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, I have to tinkle.
MELONHEAD exits
CHAR: the great Captain Rutler. Noble cause, eh?
BRETT: Not noble or anything. Money is money. For profit. I believe in me. I love me.
SOG: Can I have your attention! We’re gonna auction off some ladies now.
BRETT: One hundred and fifty for the cow in taffeta!
SOG: Sold! One Mrs. Chuck Hamilton aka Chartreuse O’Hara sold to one Brett Rutler.
BRETT: Here, Char, it’s the latest from Peruvian fashion.
CHAR: A hat?
BRETT: To hide that pointy head.
SOC: Miss Chartreuse! Miss Chartreuse! Miss Chartreuse!
CHAR slaps SOC.
SOC: thanks, I needed that!
CHAR: What is it?
SOC: The war’s done come! The come!
CHAR: Fiddle dee dee war.
SOC: Atlanta’s burning! Atlanta’s burning!
CHAR: Fiddle-dee-dee.
BRETT: Come with me, Char, to London, Paris, Schenectady . . Melonhead is having a baby. It must be hard for a man to love a woman with a baby. It’s a lot easier to love a woman that’s cold and hard and doesn’t care about her future, only her looks and what men see in her. Just like me. You are just like me.
CHAR: I hate and despise you, Brett Rutler!
BRETT: Frankly, Chartreuse, I don’t—
CHAR: Not yet.
SOG: Miss Wilts is gonna have the baby any minute now.
CHAR: What we gonna do? What we gonna do? What we gonna do? I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies!
SOC slaps CHAR
CHAR: Thanks, I needed that.
SOC: You can do it, miss O’hara. You can deliver this child!
CHAR: Melonhead! Let’s go!
MELONHEAD: I do declare, I’m so tired.
CHAR: Move it or lose it!
BRETT: Now that we’ve decided to flee Atlanta, I’m going to leave you three women on your own and help the boys in gray fight a losing battle.
CHAR: You’re kidding!
BRETT: Selfish to the end, O’Hara.
CHAR: I’m so helpless.
BRETT: Like a Tiger on steroids.
CHAR: What?
BRETT: Nothing! God help any Yanks who try to capture you.
CHAR: Don’t leave me! I’ll never forgive you!’
BRETT: I don’t want you to forgive me. There’s one thing I do know, I love me. And you, of course. We’re bad lots, both of us. I love you (and me). I know that is one thing I know I know that I’ve known. My love. Look at me! Love me! I love you more than I love any woman, and almost as much as I love myself. I’ve waited for you for a loooooong time. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss meeeeeee.
CHAR: You low-down dirty coward. I hope you get an ass full of cannonballs! I hope you get fleas nesting in your undergarments! I hope you get covered in paper cuts and fall into a vat of lemon juice –
BRETT: I get the idea. So long.
CHAR: Look, Melonhead and Prissy! It’s Scarra!
MELONHEAD: I do declare, Burnt Umber, it looks like Scarra is surrounded by Yankees!
CHAR: I’m home! It’s my servant!
SOG: Miss O’Hara! I have good news and bad news.
CHAR: I’ll take the bad news first.
SOG: Everybody is sick or dead, the barn’s burnt down, there is no food, we’re surrounded by angry Yankees, there’s only me left as a servant, and there ain’t nothing but a few radishes in the garden.
CHAR: What’s the good news?
SOG: This skit is almost over!
CHAR: Fiddle-dee-dee! As God as my witness, they are not going to lick me-
ALL: Eeeehttp://www.
CHAR: Shaddup! I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over I’ll never go hungry again! No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, cheat, steal, kill, maim, embezzle, pinch, wait, conquer, destroy, use my feminine wiles, dance the hokey-pokey, sell dope, or play cards, as God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!
SOC: The war! The war! The war! It’s over!
CHAR: thank God! We can plant some cotton. It will go sky-high next year.
SOC: Mr. Ashley Wilts is back!
CHAR: Ashley, Ashley, Ashley!
ASHLEY: Chartreuse! Chartreuse! Chartreuse!
CHAR: I need help! Scarra needs help. Help with the land!
ASHLEY: Of course, how dumb of me – civilization is crumbling but I should think of your precious plantation.
CHAR: Don’t you love me?
ASHLEY: No, even if I’m lying I don’t love you.
CHAR: leave with me!
ASHLEY: Never! I have Melonhead and the baby to think of!
CHAR: I need money!
AHSLEY: I have no money.
CHAR: Take me away! There’s nothing here!
ASHLEY: Nothing but honor! Don’t cry, my dear!
CHAR: I love you, Ashley! Take me away!
ASHLEY: Frankly, Chartreuse, I don’t –
CHAR: that’s not your line.
ASHLEY: Sorry. I’m taking Melonhead and the baby away!
CHAR: Say you love me!
ASHLEY: Fine, I love you, now get off my back woman! You have Scarra!
SOG: I plan on buying Scarra. I know how much trouble you’re in, Miss O’Hara.
CHAR: I ain’t sellin’.
SOG: Come on, I hear your daddy’s an idiot and you can’t survive here. Stupid Irish.
CHAR: Stupid Yankee!
SOC: Miss Chartreuse, Miss Chartreuse, miss Chartreuse. (Slaps herself) I needed that!
CHAR: Whut now?
SOC: Cap’n Rutler coming. Cap’n Rutler coming! Cap’n Rutler coming!
CHAR: I’m so thin and pale and I got nothing to wear and don’t feel like doing the Carol Burnett shtick!
SOC: But it always gets a good laugh, Miss O’Hara!
CHAR: We’re skipping ahead! Brett get in here!
BRETT: Frankly,
CHAR: Not yet.
BRETT: What do you need, Chartreuse?
CHAR: 300 dollars to pay the taxes on Scarra!
BRETT: What will you give me as collateral?
CHAR: My ear bobs?
BRETT: nope.
CHAR: The mortgage on Scarra?
BRETT: Don’t want it.
CHAR: Tupperware?
BRETT: Keep trying.
CHAR: Beatles White Album?
BRETT: Tempting, but no.
CHAR: Me. Is it me you want?
BRETT: You’re not worth three hundred dollars.
CHAR: I’ll be there when they hang you.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, this is an odd transition, but it’s so nice that you got the money to pay the taxes by marrying the rich Mr. Franklin so suddenly, Azure Blue.
CHAR: Char – Why do I even try?
MELONHEAD: I do declare, Crimson, you sold yourself into a marriage to get the money.
CHAR: We’re starting a lumber business. All of us!
MELONHEAD: I do declare, I am going to New York.
CHAR: I do declare, I think I’m going to strangle the life out of you.
ASHLEY: Never mind, we’ll go to Atlanta for the lumber business, Chartreuse.
CHAR: Well, that was a quick decision.
ASHLEY: Had to advance the plot somehow.
CHAR: Back to Atlanta.
ASHLEY: Back to Atlanta.
BRETT: It’s no good, Chartreuse.
CHAR: What?
BRETT: The cologne. Too eau du drunken hobo.
CHAR: I’m so afraid, Brett. I’m afraid of going to hell.
BRETT: You could be management.
CHAR: I killed my husband. I did. I did. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo-hoo.
BRETT: Enough with the crying jag. You’re like the thief who’s not sorry he stole but very very very very very very very very sorry he’s going to jail. I see you have the lumber mill and money and all sorts of hoo-hahs. So, marry me.
CHAR: I’m sorry, what?
BRETT: you’ll marry me.
CHAR: No I won’t
BRETT: Yes you will
CHAR: No I wont
BRETT will
CHAR won’t
BRETT willwillwillwillwillwill
CHAR wontwontwontwontwont
They kiss
CHAR What the hell!
BABY CRIES
BRETT Ohh look at my blue eyed bonnie!
CHAR We’re having a party for Melonhead!
BRETT You’re going to that party whether you like it or not!
CHAR You’re drunk!
BRETT And I plan on getting drunker!
CHAR Take your hands off me, you drunken fool!
BRETT Let’s admit our mistake and get a divorce.
CHAR A divorce?
BRETT A divorce.
CHAR You’ll never take my child! Never!
BRETT If you were a man, I’d break your neck!
CHAR I’m going to have another baby and I wish it were any man’s but yours!
BRETT maybe you’ll have an accident!
CHAR slips and falls
BRETT Forgive me. I’m sorry, I’m sure we can be happy together.
CHAR What’s our baby Bonnie doing?
BRETT Don’t jump!
CHAR Don’t jump, Bonnie, don’t!
BRETT No
CHAR Don’t
BRETT She did it.
CHAR She died.
BRETT She did.
MELONHEAD: I do declare, I’m dying. Do treat Mr. Rutler, kindly, Clementine, he is a good man. And look after my Ashley Wilts for me when I’m gone.
MELONHEAD dies.
BRETT Convenient to have the first wife’s permission. I want a divorce.
CHAR Here we go again.
BRETT Please remember some dignity to get out of this marriage.
CHAR Don’t leave Brett!
BRETT you love Ashley, I saw you with him this morning!
CHAR No, I never really loved Ashley. I loved you Brett!
BRETT: I’ve had enough of this crap, I’m going to Charleston.
CHAR: Charleston! What will I do! Where will I go! If you go, what will I do?
Pause, everyone comes out and looks at Brett.
BRETT: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
NARRATOR: this concludes the Attention Deficit Theatre’s production of a classic film that is highly overrated.
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leon
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| Joined: | Fri Jun 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Upstate, New York USA |
| Posts: | 294 |
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Posted: Mon Jul 30th, 2007 08:20 am |
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brett, i'm your biggest fan. haven't forgotten that computer-exam gem you wrote a year ago.
not getting the changing color or name jokes. they're falling flat for me. maybe that's just on a cold read and this would all read a lot funnier with actors in a theatre.
also, with comedy, i need to be surprised, and it's tough to do with material so well-known as this. possibly a few more visual jokes? you mention carol burnett, and she would have some big visuals in her send-ups of classic stories. like a toupee that won't stay on, or even in her scarlett sendup, she wore drapes as a dress, with curtain rod attached. i'm just remembering this and laughing. and dating myself (watched carol when i was ten, btw)
good luck with this. it'll do fine at a community theatre. they tend to like this sort of thing. at least that's what i'm told. :)
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brettfauver
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2008 05:01 am |
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You're absolutely right about it.
I've tried to rework it several times and each time it gets crappier. It might be one simply destined for the shelf.
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