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fady
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Posted: Mon Nov 12th, 2007 12:56 pm |
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This play was originally 15 minutes, but i cut it down to 10 so it could have the possibility to be staged in a local 10 minute performance competition. If you have any comments or ideas, please feel free to write them down. I hope you enjoy the play and thanks for your time.
CHARLIE : Late 40's, thin, dressed like a homeless.
NORMAN: Late 30's, big, dressed lie a homeless.
Two separate cardboard boxes used by two homeless people, CHARLIE and NORMAN.
In between the two boxes is a mirror standing upright. A bucket of water, which they use to clean themselves, is near the boxes and mirror .CHARLIE, is lying inside a cardboard box asleep. NORMAN is trying on clothes from his shopping cart. He puts on a woman’s scarf and woman’s jacket. He finds a mobile inside the jacket pocket. He goes to wake CHARLIE.
Norman Charlie…Charlie.
Charlie Wha…what. Ahhh. (He jumps out and starts hitting NORMAN.) Get away from me you you … thing. You find yourself another bum to-
Norman Charlie, it’s me. It’s Norman.
Charlie Norman? ...What in God’s name are you wearing?
NORMAN looks at himself in the mirror.
Norman You don’t like it?
Charlie It’s a woman’s scarf.
Norman Does it make me look pretty?
Charlie And a woman’s jacket.
Norman Yes it matches perfectly…well?
Charlie I’m speechless.
Norman Really Charlie, you think I look pretty. You’re not just saying it, are you?
Charlie Would I lie to you?
CHARLIE goes back inside his cardboard box.
Norman Charlie.
Charlie What is it?
Norman I haven’t showed you what I found.
Charlie Not now Norman, I’m going to bed.
Norman What for, you ain’t got a job to go to.
Charlie Even the unemployed need their sleep.
Norman Unemployed! I thought we were bums.
Charlie Well bums need their sleep too. Aren’t we human?
Norman That we are Charlie. That we are. (Pause.) Charlie…Charlie. Are you asleep yet?
Charlie Yes.
Pause.
Norman Charlie. Are you still awake?
Charlie No.
Pause.
Norman Charlie you must look at….
Charlie For Christ sake what is it?
Norman I found –
Charlie What?
Norman (Low voiced.) It’s a mobile.
Charlie Speak louder. I can’t hear you.
Norman It’s a mobile.
Charlie What is it that you found that’s so important that you’ve to keep me
awake?
Norman I’m –
Charlie I’m tired Norman. I just want to sleep.
Norman I thought-
Charlie Is it?
Norman Is it wh –
Charlie Is it important?
Norman I-
Charlie Can it wait?
Norman Well-
Charlie Can it wait till tomorrow?
Norman I... guess it-
Charlie Good night then. (Pause. Phone rings.) What was that?
Norman What?
Charlie That sound.
NORMAN starts to stamp his feet on the floor.
Norman What sou-
Charlie Sshhh…Do you hear it?
Norman I can’t hea.-
Charlie That sound.
Norman I’m warming my feet.
Charlie Not that…that.
NORMAN starts to slap his body to warm up.
Norman I can’t hear a thing.
Charlie Can’t you hea…will you stop fidgeting…it’s coming from you…it sounds like…telephone! (Pause.) Well?
Norman What?
Charlie Why you sounding like a phone?
Norman Don’t know.
Charlie Do you have a phone?
Norman What makes you say that?
Charlie You’re ringing.
Norman I’m not lying.
Charlie You are.
Norman Can I tell you tomorrow?
Charlie Tomorrow?
Norman You’re tired.
Charlie I am?
Norman You need to sleep.
Charlie Yes…yes I do.
Norman I’ll switch off the phone then so you can sleep.
Charlie I would appreciate it.
Norman Think nothing of it.
Charlie Good night Norman.
Norman Good night Charlie.
NORMAN tries to switch of the phone. The phone stops ringing. Pause. The phone rings.
Charlie There it is again.
Norman I can’t switch it off.
Charlie Let me give it a go.
Norman It’s not easy.
CHARLIE tries to switch off the phone.
Charlie It…never is.
Norman Should we answer it?
Charlie What if it’s the owner?
Norman She will be happy that I found it.
Charlie Where did you find it?
Norman In the jacket pocket.
Charlie And the jacket?
Norman I stole it.
Charlie So you stole the phone.
Norman The jacket.
Charlie If you steal a camera, you also steal the film.
Norman Your right.
Charlie You should always listen to me.
Norman I’m listening.
Charlie Let me think.
Norman Should I tell her I only wanted the camera?
Charlie Would she believe you?
Norman Why would I lie?
Charlie We’re bums.
Norman We’re unemployed.
Charlie We can’t be trusted.
Norman Even with the truth.
Charlie It’s them and us.
Norman It’s us vs. them.
Charlie For them there is no us.
Norman Only them.
Charlie Us don't exist.
Norman Us don't?
Charlie Don’t answer.
Norman Is that an option?
Charlie If you make it.
Norman Is that not rude?
Charlie Only if we have etiquette.
Norman We don’t?
Charlie We did.
Norman What happened to it?
Charlie We don’t deserve it.
Norman Did we do something wrong?
Charlie I didn’t.
Norman Did I?
Charlie It wasn’t your fault.
Norman It stopped ringing.
Charlie At last.
Norman Do you think it will ring again
Charlie It does have a habit of doing so.
Norman Should we wait?
Charlie I don’t see why not. (Pause.) Habits change.
Norman People do.
Charlie Only them change.
Norman Us stay the same.
Charlie But now them can talk to us.
Norman And we to them.
Charlie (Excitedly.) Do you know what this means?
Norman Not the slightest.
Charlie We have a connection to them. Which means…we exist!
Norman We do?
Charlie We’re not us, we’re them.
Norman Them are us?
Charlie I can breathe.
Norman Can I?
Charlie Now you can.
Norman It feels great.
Charlie I feel alive.
Norman It’s like I’m-
Charlie Some…body.
Norman What do we do now that we’re somebody?
Charlie (Excitedly.) Lets phone somebody.
Norman Who?
Charlie One of us….Well... Surely you must know somebody?
Norman Karol.
Charlie (Excitedly.) Brilliant. What’s her number?
Norman I don’t know.
Charlie You don’t know her number?
Norman No.
Charlie Why not?
Norman She didn’t give it.
Charlie You forgot!
Norman I’ve never met her.
Charlie Somebody you never met didn’t give you their number!
Norman You’ve met that somebody.
Charlie I have? When?
Norman Years ago.
Charlie I don’t recall. Was somebody tall?
Norman Small.
Charlie Blond?
Norman Brunette.
Charlie Voluptuous?
Norman Very.
Charlie Dare I say beautiful?
Norman Like a mule.
Charlie And I know that somebody?
Norman You married that somebody.
Charlie Oh yes. It’s all coming back now.
Norman Why don’t you give her a ring? (CHARLIE’S face saddens. Pause. CHARLIE gives NORMAN the phone and goes slowly inside his cardboard box.) You can just say a quick hello… There’s no harm in …(CHARLIE snores. Whispering.) Charlie…Charlie….its Norman. Can you hear me… are you asleep?
Charlie Yes happily.
Norman Are you still awake?
Charlie Unfortunately not.
Norman Why don’t you give her ring? No harm in a quick hello… Hello, Charlie, can you-
Charlie Jesus Christ I don’t want to talk to her alright... Is that aright with you?... Can’t you just leave it?
Pause.
Norman But Charlie-
Charlie Oh for the love of ….give me that bloody phone.
CHARLIE takes the phone from NORMAN and dials. Pause.
Charlie Ok she’s not home. (He hands back the phone to NORMAN.) Well I hope you’re happy now.
NORMAN listens then put the mobile away. The phone rings. Pause.
Charlie The phone owner.
Norman Karol
Charlie What do I say?
Norman I love you.
Charlie Do I?
Norman You did yesterday.
Charlie And today?
Norman And the day after.
Charlie But today?
Norman Do you?
Charlie I did yesterday.
Norman And today?
Charlie And the day after.
Norman But today?
Charlie Inductive reasoning leads me to conclude-
Norman Yes.
Charlie I still love her.
Norman Hooray!
Charlie What now?
Norman You should go back to her.
Charlie Would she take me back?
Norman You left her.
Charlie Bustard.
Norman Idiot.
Charlie Abandoner.
Norman The ship was not even sinking.
Charlie I’ll make it up to her.
CHARLIE goes to answer the phone.
Norman Wait we’ve to make you look pretty before you meet her.
Charlie Pretty!
Norman First impression counts.
Charlie Your right.
NORMAN looks at CHARLIE up and down, then takes off his scarf and puts it around him. NORMAN looks up and down again then puts the woman jacket on him.
Charlie How do I look?
Norman Beautiful.
Charlie Let me see.
NORMAN takes the mirror and encircles CHARLIE so that he can see in all angles. CHARLIE is smiling at the beginning but then starts to notice his dirty clothes, his dirty features. CHARLIE looks at the phone then smashes it. Pause.
Norman (Low voice.) The connection with us.
Charlie Us is them now.
Norman And we?
Charlie We’re bums.
Norman We’re unemployed.
Charlie We can’t be trusted.
Norman Even with the truth. (Pause. Happy tone.) We’ll continue are lives just
like before.
Charlie We’re struck here.
Norman We’ll move to next to the river.
Charlie Who will attend my funeral?
Norman I’ll go to yours if you go to mine.
Charlie I’ll be buried in these clothes.
Norman I best take those now.
NORMAN starts to take his scarf and jacket. Half way from taking them.
Charlie (Low voiced.) We don’t exist. (CHARLIE turns towards NORMAN. Angryly.) Did you hear me Norman, you don’t exist.
Norman (Scared.) Charl-
Charlie Us don’t exist.
NORMAN finds it very hard to breathe.
Charlie Norman?
Norman Cha….lee...I… can’t…. breathe.
NORMAN collapse. Charlie rushes to his aid.
Charlie Norman… (He shakes him.) Norman…
CHARLIE checks NORMAN’S heart. CHARLIE looks puzzled since NORMAN’S heart sounds perfect. CHARLIE checks if NORMAN is breathing by putting his hand a few centimeters above NORMAN’S month. CHARLIE knows NORMAN is faking. He fetches the bucket of water and splashes it on NORMAN.
Norman Thanks.
Charlie My pleasure.
CHARLIE helps NORMAN up.
Norman It’s been a long day.
Charlie A longer night.
Norman (Yawns.) Maybe we should kip.
Charlie We can give it a go.
They enter their cardboard boxes and lay down to sleep. Pause.
Norman Charlie…Charlie. Are you still awake?
Pause.
Norman Good night Charlie.
Charlie Good night Norman.
Last edited on Sat Dec 1st, 2007 02:06 am by fady
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Sharpe
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Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 04:42 pm |
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I really liked that. It has an absurdist touch to it that at times borders on "who's on first". I find it hard to believe that no one has seen fit to comment on this. You have a wonderful way with words.
Sharpe
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Nate88
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Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 05:44 pm |
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i agree with the absurd touch.
i really liked it, can picture it from start to finish, and have a vivid image to where they are and what both of them look like...
some real comedy in there too, and some nice dry humour i could see...
id like to see more from you
keep it up!
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Basso
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 01:27 am |
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They are homeless, but I couldn't decide if they were rough homeless, or former suburbanites down on their luck.
Norman Charlie…Charlie.
Charlie Wha…what. Ahhh. (He jumps out and starts hitting NORMAN.) Get away from me you you … thing. You find yourself another bum to-
I am a suburban dweller, unfortunately, but even if my wife began trying to wake me when I was grumpy I wouldn't tell her to get away, but probably tell her to piss off...or want to. I think a bum might say piss or fuck off, at least the one's I have seen.
Norman Small.
Charlie Blond?
Norman Brunette.
Charlie Voluptuous?
Norman Very.
Charlie Dare I say beautiful?
Norman Like a mule.
I think bums, who live rough, would more likely to say "big tits," rather than "voluptuous," and maybe say beeooteeful, or some such.
I'm not sure Charlie would call the wife without more of an inner-struggle , or if he was drunk. Bums leave their lives behind for a reason, and it would have to be something compelling, indeed, to make them return to it, even by way of a phone call.
Charlie Inductive reasoning leads me to conclude-
Inductive sounds incongruent to the way Charlie normally speaks. If he is that articulate it should be plain from the beginning.
The issue with plays that are in the Absurdist vein is...they all tend to sound the same. So, how does one give a twist to this genre, without making it sound like a different genre? This is the challenge for all writers, I reckon, and one cannot just write "absurd" but must also feel "the absurd." The phone might be exploited for more dramatic affect, and the clothes too. Charlie and Norman might love one another, not even in a gay way, but with the kind of camaraderie that the down and out have for one another. You have some great dialogue, it is, in general spare, and you definitely have an ear for rhythm. You have a voice for the theatre, now make the characterization crystal clear, and a lot of this stuff will simply fall into place.
Basso
Last edited on Thu Mar 13th, 2008 01:29 am by Basso
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Nate88
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 01:35 am |
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You have a voice for the theatre, now make the characterization crystal clear, and a lot of this stuff will simply fall into place.
It might just be me, but I do not agree with that...
...I like the fact the characters are ambiguous and I like the sort of...Absurd in it.
I think some changes could be made but apart from that why define something to a point where it is overstated and slapping the audience with it...
you wouldnt say that to Beckett about Hamm and Clov... or Didi and Gogo, same as Ionesco about his characters in any of his plays...
I found it having the charming existential quality in it, and found it worked...
Last edited on Thu Mar 13th, 2008 01:57 am by Nate88
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Edd
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 01:56 am |
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fady,
This is wonderful. Quick, snappy, delightful dialogue for lovable characters. Bravo! I'd bet you'll do very well with this.
~Edd
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Basso
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 02:29 am |
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Vladimir: It is not everyday that we are needed... To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears!... But at this place, at this moment in time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not... Let us represent worthily for once the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us!
Beckett characters are sharply drawn, and the above speech by Vladimir highlights as much. Making character's clear does not mean hitting people over the head with ticks and such, only that a person emerges that we can relate to, in some way. Even a character that is fraught with ambiguity must resonate on some level. We are all full of inconsistencies, but we present ourselves in a certain manner. Of course, the theatre can do what it likes, and does, but I think the very best playwrights convey what they do by giving us characters that we can identify with. How will the characters respond to the stimuli around them, to the moment that defines what the play is about, or where it is headed? I understand what waiting for Godot is like, because I have done it. And when one emerges from such waiting it is like some kind of glorious torture. Characterization need not even be deliberate if one "feels" deeply enough, that which he/she is writing about. Part craftsmanship, part intuition, part boldness, part insight and part love.
Anyway, I do like your play, Fady, and if you have found an audience here, which you have, then you have found an audience, irrespective of what anyone might say. So, that's awesome.
Basso
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Paddy
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 02:10 pm |
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Well, how the hell did this go unnoticed?
I think it's almost brilliant. The premise. The characters. The dialogue. Loved almost every morsel.
Here...Charlie What do I say?
Norman I love you.
Charlie Do I?
Norman You did yesterday.
Charlie And today?
Norman And the day after.
Charlie But today?
Norman Do you?
Charlie I did yesterday.
Norman And today?
Charlie And the day after.
Norman But today?
Please please please don't do that twice. Once. Perfect. It was such a fucking beautiful run. There's a rule, I hate rules, but this one usually works - what you can say five times in a movie, you can only say once in a play. I think you could tighten it a bit.
Here's were I got a bit disappointed. When he broke the phone. Believe me, I did not want him to call his wife and live happily ever after, but for some reason, I didn't want him smashing it. Batteries die. People change numbers...all kinds of things can happen.
Niggly things....there's a few times you use your instead of you're...something else, but I've forgotten.
The dialogue, something I call eloquent gutter talk...loved it. I love that they use street lingo, and then well formed sentences...makes sense to me.
Here's the thing. I think you have a really kick ass ten minute play here. But, I think you could, if you are as clever as I think you are, stretch this in to a full length.
I loved it.
Paddy
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Crabbit
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 04:06 pm |
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Very good, loved it. I am really delighted with the concept that the homeless would have a voice if they had a telephone, they would be able to speak to anyone on an equal footing then.
I'd love to see this expanded beyond 10 minutes, they could have huge discussions about who they would call and what they would say - to the ex, local government, the president even.
And such great characters, they came across, to me, as down-and-out clowns, great stuff.
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fady
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Posted: Thu Mar 20th, 2008 10:47 am |
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I glad you all enjoyed it and thanks Paddy for introducing me to a new rule. Can anyone recommend a book at has all the rules of writing a play? I’m thinking of writing a 90 minute play based on Us and Them. If anyone has any ideas, please speak your mind. Thanks
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Deirdre
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Posted: Thu Mar 20th, 2008 03:37 pm |
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I really enjoyed this too.
Though I started off rather lukewarm, thinking that you were writing of something you knew not of, until I succumbed to the Beckett of it and went along for the ride.
And for me you made it work though you owe more than a nod to SB and the bums have been done before more than once, methinks still, it was a good ride and you made it work. Rather charming the disclosure of the theft, and innocent. Nice work.
I also really enjoyed Basso's comments and will re read them and see what I can glean for my own 'absurdities'.
Thanks for this!
D
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fady
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Posted: Thu Mar 20th, 2008 04:52 pm |
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| Waiting for Godot is one of my favorite plays, not because of the storyline, Inspector calls is my all time favorite in that department, but Beckett’s style. I’m actually having second thought of writing a full play of us and them since it will always be seen as a rip off of beckett. Instead I’m thinking of doing a play about two mental patients planning to escape from their institution. That way people would not be kept reminded of Beckett during the play. People tell me that it’s ok for people to get ideas from others as long as you add you in it. Beckett, apparently, got his idea of the bums from W.B Yeats The cat and the moon but still….
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in media res
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Posted: Fri Mar 21st, 2008 01:58 pm |
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Neat piece!
II would suggest you begin with the phone ringing and it stirs them awake. (or at least one of them.) That is the instigator. We know they are bums by your telling us so. Let them do the acting, rather than you having to tell us so much in the beginning. if you want the beginning info, let it creep in later. , all the previous talk is just talk. Remember when you are writing, you should also remember what the audience is seeing. A costume, a set, a hat and how one wears it, how one wears his pants, and what type of pants, etc. says a lot about the play and the character.
This stage direction is non-dramatic. "He finds a mobile inside the jacket pocket. " Let the ringing - and what type of ring tone can say a lot about who actually owns the phone - make him frantically search for it ( and scare him awake as he does not know he has it) as we all do when we we misplace those damn things! Then you will have a recognizable event to the audience. Sometimes I know I forget which pocket I have put t into and by the time I find the thing, the Voicemail has answered. So, how do you find a phone you do not even know you have!
I'd change also:
Charlie Inductive reasoning leads me to conclude-
It sticks out.
I would look at what everyone has said so far. Great comments.
Don't worry about comparisons to Beckett. As Huckleberry Finn says, "I take no stock in dead people!" And often one can learn a lot by emulating other writers. If it is a good play, it is a good play!
As far as books , I recommend The Elements of Playwriting" by Louis Catron.
But there are many others and if you search the Forum you will find answers from other threads.
Really neat piece.
in media resLast edited on Fri Mar 21st, 2008 05:37 pm by in media res
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