| Author | Post |
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John Watts
Member
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Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 01:28 am |
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I don't know if I have ever presented this piece here before. It is a completely new take on a play written a few years ago.
Love In A Funeral Parlor ©
A thirty minute comedy by John Watts
HENRY He is a funeral director, conservative, organized, well spoken.
BEATRICE She is a cosmetologist-beautician, easy going and outspoken.
ALBERT He is manipulative and self involved.
MILDRED She is bored and desperate for a new life.
Four people explore the rituals of love and death in a funeral parlor. Henry, a funeral director, afraid of companionship and commitment, hires Beatrice. She is a cosmetologist looking for something better than a beauty parlor. Her job is to make the deceased look presentable for funerals. Albert is a middle-aged neighborhood bachelor who uses funeral parlors as a source for women, and customers for his used car dealership. Mildred is an unmarried schoolteacher still living with her mother, and looking for a husband. The communal ritual of visiting the dead before they are laid to rest brings the needs of these individuals together. While Henry yearns for Beatrice and Mildred craves for Albert a romance develops between Albert and Beatrice. Odd twists and turns finally leaves Henry and Mildred connected as consolation prizes in their struggle for romance.
Scene One
(Stage is bare except for a few rows of chairs facing the audience suggesting a funeral parlor. Perhaps flowers placed either side of an unseen casket downstage center. Henry enters.)
HENRY
Ok I’m ready. Turn the volume up.
(Funeral parlor music begins to play. Henry walks about the stage acting like a funeral director, occasionally nodding to the empty chairs.
ALBERT
(Albert speaks from off stage.)
Henry you’ve got this down to a fine art.
(The music stops and Albert enters as Henry speaks.)
HENRY
Thank you Albert. Without an assistant it’s difficult to handle all the small tasks. I hope this, Beatrice, is qualified. Two weeks without help is ridiculous.
ALBERT
If I could sell cars this way I’d be a rich man.
HENRY
You can’t equate selling used cars to the caring for the departed.
ALBERT
I dress them up the same way. Some of them look as dead as your customers till they get a good wax job.
HENRY
They are not customers and they don’t get a, “wax job”.
ALBERT
You’re still dressing them up. It’s all show biz Henry.
HENRY
We’ve had a different view of life since high school and it’s not going to change now.
ALBERT
You’re right about that, funeral parlors and used cars. There’s got to be a connection somewhere or how the hell could we have stayed friends all these years?
HENRY
Well we’re both confirmed bachelors.
ALBERT
Continuity, that’s what it is.
HENRY
That’s what funerals are about. They keep you grounded, let you know where you came from.
ALBERT
How about where you’re going? Don’t answer that Henry, or we’ll be here for an hour. I’ve got a customer coming to find continuity in a classic beautifully waxed bright red sixty-eight mustang.
HENRY
Can you give me a hand tonight? It’s old George Hascal’s first night and there’ll be a lot of family members.
ALBERT
And potential car buyers. I’ll be here.
(Beatrice enters and speaks to Albert who responds as he exits.)
BEATRICE
Excuse me. Are you the funeral director?
ALBERT
I’m just a funeral groupie. Henry’s the one you want but maybe I’m the one you need.
HENRY
You must be Beatrice.
BEATRICE
That's me. Nice casket.
HENRY
We do our best to present the dearly departed in an appropriate manner.
BEATRICE
That’s for sure.
HENRY
You do understand what’s required of you?
BEATRICE
Doing hair and make up, only the customers ain’t breathing.
HENRY
I am getting very tired of people referring to the departed as customers.
BEATRICE
I’ll call them whatever you want.
HENRY
It’s not what you call them. It’s how you regard their status and that of the families.
BEATRICE
Back home we just stepped aside and let the Talbot Funeral Parlor take care of things.
HENRY
The last person the agency sent fainted when I told her to undress the deceased.
BEATRICE
I'm not the fainting type. That's the first thing they asked me.
HENRY
I spent time demonstrating how one should respectfully display our guests, and then she faints right over Mrs. Bradey.
BEATRICE
A chicken’s a chicken, feathered and scratching or roasted and stuffed.
HENRY
What did you say?
BEATRICE
I said it's not a very good make up job.
HENRY
Yes, well that is what I need you for. Makeup works wonders if it's done right. The agency said you were a trained cosmetologist.
BEATRICE
I'm a beautician, if that's what they mean. But I've never put make up on dead people. Although some of my customers look like it.
HENRY
I have the background to teach you what you need. This is a family business; you learn every aspect of the process. What motivated you to apply?
BEATRICE
I'm tired of people complaining. I figured it's a safe bet that there's none of that here.
HENRY
We have our standards.
BEATRICE
Well my Daddy always says, "You can't make rice pudding out of a pig's ear". He thinks rice pudding is beautiful.
HENRY
I’ll show you the preparation area and which of our guests you need to work on.
BEATRICE
Do I get a bonus if I make the stiffs look like rice pudding?
HENRY
They are not stiffs. They are the deceased.
BEATRICE
It's the same thing.
HENRY
Stiffs are characters in bad detective stories. Our guests have families that care about them. If you want to work here you need to show concern for their needs.
BEATRICE
As long as they don't talk back it’s fine by me.
(Henry and Beatrice exit as lights fade.)
Scene Two
(Mildred is sitting center stage as Albert enters.)
MILDRED
Hello Albert. You can sit next to me.
ALBERT
Good to see you Mildred—shame about poor Uncle George. But he looks good.
MILDRED Yes, he does.
ALBERT
Never saw him look that good. Were you at the funeral parlor when they laid out his wife?
MILDRED I'm afraid not. That was the week of the teachers’ convention and I—
ALBERT She looked good too. It’s amazing what they can do these days. They pump them up with that stuff.
MILDRED Embalming fluid.
ALBERT That’s it, stretches out the skin real nice – and the make up. Henry just hired this new make up artist and she is outstanding. Old George really looks good and she only started this afternoon. I've been to every funeral in the neighborhood since as far back as I can remember and some of these places don’t hire properly qualified cosmetologists. Did you notice the suit he’s wearing?
MILDRED Well I find that—
ALBERT Do me a favor Mildred. Go up and have a look at it. You always had a good eye for clothes.
MILDRED I don't think it's really necessary.
ALBERT You're one of those people that think its bad luck to look at the body twice.
MILDRED I just don’t feel like going up there.
ALBERT
I’ve seen that look before. You haven’t even been up.
MILDRED I’ve given my condolences to the family.
ALBERT You’ve got to look death in the face or you’ll never face death. My mother told me that when my grandfather died. I was only eight and I’ve been looking death in the face ever since. You can’t avoid it forever. Go on up there and tell me what you think about the suit.
MILDRED I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to examine Uncle George’s suit. It cheapens the process, makes him seem less valued as a person.
ALBERT Uncle George doesn’t mind. He’s said his last farewells, gone to the great unknown.
MILDRED It wasn’t Uncle George I was thinking of; it’s the rest of the family.
ALBERT Well they're all making mental notes. The senior family members sit here from the time the parlor opens till it closes. They know who’s been up and who hasn’t.
MILDRED His daughter Julie only just came in.
ALBERT She was in that side room counting the money. Those envelopes add up. You’ve got to know who gave how much so you know what's appropriate when someone else kicks it. Funerals can be very expensive.
MILDRED
You're so knowledgeable about these things.
ALBERT You learn a lot about human nature selling used cars. Don’t think I’m morbid but if something should happen, this is probably the best in the neighborhood. Wait till you check out that makeup.
(Mildred hesitates.)
Go ahead—you’ll feel better.
MILDRED
Thank you. I wouldn't have had the courage without your support.
(Mildred goes up to examine the dearly departed and returns.)
ALBERT Well? What do you think?
MILDRED
He looks quite nice, for a dead person.
ALBERT I’m talking about the suit.
MILDRED It's a perfectly good suit, way to big for him but he won’t know the difference.
ALBERT How about the buttons?
MILDRED They don’t match, one gray, one brown. If I had a needle and thread I'd—
ALBERT Third time I’ve seen that suit this year. Must be a new downsizing effort, funeral directors like Henry have to keep an eye on the bottom line. Old George never owned a suit and they sure as hell couldn’t bury him in that Bud Lite tee shirt he always wore. If his family had to spend for a suit they couldn’t afford as much for the funeral.
MILDRED
You're so clever Albert.
ALBERT
Those national franchise operations are muscling in, even in an old neighborhood like this, but Henry keeps the parlor going. It‘s the personal touch, just like in the used car business. You’ve got to know your customers by their first names and keep the overhead down.
MILDRED
I never realized there was so much involved.
ALBERT Business is personal Mildred. You live it or lose it. I guess we’re closing up for the night.
(Albert and Beatrice move toward the exit.)
I always try to be outside before the others leave, see who’s driving what car. There’s always a lot of potential customers.
MILDRED
I hope to see you at the funeral tomorrow.
ALBERT
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
MILDRED
Well, I'll look for you.
(They both exit as lights fade.)
Scene Three
(Beatrice calls to Henry. Both are off stage.)
BEATRICE
Hold on Henry I'll give you some help with that one. Now this is what I call dead weight.
HENRY
Enough with the jokes Beatrice and be careful the way you move the legs.
BEATRICE
Henry I know what to do.
HENRY
It's just that—
(Beatrice screams after the body releases gas very loudly. She runs on stage followed immediately by Henry.)
HENRY
It's OK. Sometimes when you bend cadavers they—
(He hesitates.)
expel. They’re no longer with us but they still have gas.
BEATRICE
It scared the hell out of me. Why didn't you tell me?
HENRY
The subject never came up. I thought—
BEATRICE
What else do I need to know? Can the males get erections? I don't want surprises Henry. I can deal with the dead if I know what to expect.
(Henry turns away and smiles because he knows they can get erections.)
HENRY
I assure you, that is not a problem. You’ve been here for a month now and done quite—innovative work with our guests. Mrs. Malcolm was grateful for the way you covered her husbands scares from the accident.
BEATRICE
I did her hair a couple of times since then. She's a mean woman but now she thinks I'm the queen of cosmetology, paid me double the going rate.
HENRY
By the way, you’ll have to do Mrs. Baxter nails over again.
BEATRICE
But I gave that woman the most elegant hands you ever saw. We should take a picture and put it in that little pamphlet you give people. You'll get a lot more customers.
HENRY
Mrs. Baxter is seventy-eight. The family will not appreciate false nails, especially with the letters of her name spelled out in gold.
BEATRICE
I had to try something to take attention away from her face. I couldn't make her look good if she were alive. The woman is just plain ugly.
HENRY
You must not refer so negatively to those who are no longer with us.
BEATRICE
She's no longer with anybody. She's dead!
HENRY
Please, not so loud.
BEATRICE
No one can hear us they're all dead. Ashes to ashes, dust to Hoover.
HENRY
Dust to what?
BEATRICE
Hoover, you know, the vacuum cleaner. It makes dust disappear.
HENRY
Is that another of your fathers—
BEATRICE
That one's mine.
HENRY
I'm not a bit surprised.
BEATRICE
She was the only, "deceased", I couldn't get to look–
HENRY
Now Beatrice you have to contain your pension for dark humor. This is not a beauty parlor. It requires a very different view of life.
BEATRICE
And death. Did you check out the pink frosting I did on her hair? It's exactly like the photo her husband gave us. Of course she's twenty years older but the hair looks great. And like my Daddy says, “You only die once so you’d better get it right.”
HENRY
Well you’d better get Mrs. Baxter’s nails right.
BEATRICE
Ok I’ll take care of it right now and then I’ll start on James Tooley, don’t want you to have to do him all by yourself.
HENRY
Leave Mr. Tooley alone. I will take care of him myself!
BEATRICE
Ok no need to get excited. You’ll get sweaty palms, visitors will think you’ve been touching the dearly departed and—
(Mildred enters.)
MILDRED
Henry I wanted to talk to you about—
HENRY
I can’t talk now Mildred I’m very busy.
(Henry exits.)
MILDRED
What’s the matter with Henry?
BEATRICE
Resistance, new ideas frighten him.
MILDRED
You must be Beatrice, the new cosmetologist. I have a friend who really knows about these things and he says that you’re one of the best. Do you do regular hair?
BEATRICE
I’ve been doing more hair for real live people since I got this job than I ever did at the beauty parlor. A corpse with good hair is better than a TV ad.
MILDRED
Well we can make arrangements then. I’m getting tired of looking in the mirror.
BEATRICE
That mirror gets meaner as you get older. Sometimes in the mornings I stand there and talk back cause I know that woman on the other side ain’t me.
MILDRED
I admire that—talking back. I’ll bet Henry doesn’t boss you around the way he does other people, not that he’s mean; he just has so much authority about him.
BEATRICE
Let’s have a look at your hair.
MILDRED
It always looks a mess.
BEATRICE
One wild flower is worth a whole peck of store bought blossoms. You’ve got real nice features but that haircut—
MILDRED
It makes me look like a schoolteacher who lives with her mother.
BEATRICE
Show me how you walk. Make a visit to the casket, and then come on back.
(Mildred walks to the casket and returns.)
It ain’t just the hair, it’s your body, you’ve got to let it know who’s in control.
MILDRED
I don’t know how.
BEATRICE
Go on up there again and take charge honey and then we’ll get the hair to match the walk.
(Mildred makes the trip again, smiling the whole time and returns.)
MILDRED
I like the way that feels.
BEATRICE
Wait till I do your hair
MILDRED
Do you think it will make me more attractive to men?
BEATRICE
You’re going to be beating them off with a stick.
MILDRED
Maybe we could do something today. It’s almost time to close.
BEATRICE
Not tonight, I’ve got a date.
(Henry enters.)
HENRY
Beatrice I just want you to know that I do appreciate the work you’ve done here. And even though we disagree on some things you do brighten the somewhat sullen ambiance of a funeral parlor.
BEATRICE
(Beatrice kisses Henry on the cheek and then exits.)
You’re just like cheesecake Henry, delicious but dangerous.
(Henry stand open mouthed and frozen.)
MILDRED
Henry? Henry!
HENRY
Mildred! Yes, you wanted to speak to me.
MILDRED
I've never had to arrange this sort of thing before. My mom always took care of it. When dad died she—
HENRY
Has something happened to your mother?
MILDRED
It's cancer.
HENRY
I'm sorry.
MILDRED
She has time but I want to know what's involved. I know that seems cruel but—
HENRY
Facing death directly gives you strength to deal with life.
MILDRED
Someone else made that point. That's why I came.
HENRY
If you don't mind my asking, what sort of time frame are we looking at?
MILDRED
Well I don't really know.
HENRY
When the doctors are more certain, I’m sure they’ll tell you.
MILDRED
She hasn't been to the doctor.
HENRY
Then how do you—
MILDRED
She smokes a pack a day, lives on hamburgers and ice cream and sits in front of that TV all day long.
HENRY
Your mother has never taken care of herself, but she is over seventy and looks sixty. Some people just have the right genes.
MILDRED
It’s only a matter of time Henry.
HENRY
Your father was incredibly health conscious and he left us very quickly.
MILDRED
He just wanted to get away. Now I'm stuck with her all by myself.
HENRY
Well it could be a very long wait.
MILDRED
I still want to know about funeral arrangements. Just in case.
HENRY
Fine. Come by the office tomorrow and can discuss the problem.
(They both gradually walk toward the exit.)
MILDRED
By the way, you see Albert all the time. He practically lives here.
HENRY
I do not recommend involving yourself with Albert.
MILDRED
He's not married.
HENRY
He treats the funeral parlor like a singles bar. The man has an insatiable appetite for—recreation.
MILDRED
Well I need some recreation too. And the way you were looking at Beatrice—
(Albert enters.)
ALBERT
Here are the keys Henry. You are going to be a happy man.
MILDRED
Hello Albert. I haven't seen you for weeks. I thought you would be at Emma Chandler's funeral.
ALBERT
I've been very busy.
MILDRED
That was the second one I've been to since I saw you last. You were right about viewing the body. Once you look a dead person in the face it's easier to deal with the possibility.
ALBERT
Oh that has a sinister ring to it Mildred, hope you’re not planning anything drastic. You are going to love that car Henry. I parked it right in front of the hearse.
HENRY
Can I use regular gas or do I need premium?
ALBERT
Now Henry you know premium anything is better, you put regular in you get regular out and a Lincoln Town-Car is as premium as they get. It has funeral director written all over it.
HENRY
I just don’t want to spend any more money for gas than—
ALBERT
When the neighborhood sees you driving by in that car they’ll know they’re looking at success and nothing sells like success.
HENRY
You really think it will improve my image?
ALBERT
It’s going to help with the bottom line Henry, give customers the assurance that you know what you’re doing.
(Beatrice enters a little upset.)
BEATRICE
Mrs. Baxter’s nails are done Henry, but I just noticed Mr. Tooley under that sheet.
ALBERT
I told you that I would take care of—
BEATRICE
He may be lying down but something in the middle is standing at attention.
HENRY
Don’t uncover him.
BEATRICE
You’re too late, that’s a very big extension for such a small man. You told me a fib.
HENRY
Well I—
BEATRICE
You said they couldn’t get erections.
HENRY
I said it wasn’t a problem.
BEATRICE
Not for Mr. Tooley. That must have been quite a heart attack.
HENRY
I was only trying to protect you.
BEATRICE
Better do something or you’ll never get the lid down on his coffin.
HENRY
Albert has just sold me an almost new Lincoln Town-Car, perhaps I can make it up to you by taking you out to dinner in my new vehicle.
BEATRICE
Not tonight Henry, Albert is taking me out for dinner tonight in a red 68 mustang convertible.
ALBERT
(Albert puts his arm around Beatrice shoulder.)
It’s a classic.
(Albert and Beatrice exit.)
MILDRED
Albert got it wrong. You’ve got to look death in the face so you can face life.
HENRY
Maybe I should give up this business, run away and join a rock band.
BEATRICE
Or maybe a symphony orchestra.
HENRY
Why can’t it be a rock band? I am tired of being predictable.
MILDRED
Momma’s stopped smoking.
HENRY
Really?
MILDRED
She even bought skim milk yesterday.
HENRY
Next thing you know she’ll be taking yoga classes.
MILDRED
She starts next week.
HENRY
Maybe you should try it.
MILDRED
When Momma's gone the house will be mine. It's such a big house if you're all alone.
HENRY
You get used to it.
MILDRED
I don't know how you do it, living by yourself all these years.
HENRY
Routine, you establish a pattern and stick to it.
MILDRED
I am so tired of doing the same things.
HENRY
Then do something daring.
(Mildred kisses Henry passionately. Henry slowly recovers then speaks.)
Would you like to go for a ride in my new car?
MILDRED
You can drive me home. Its Momma’s night for Bingo. She hasn’t missed bingo in fifteen years.
(They exit holding hands. Lights fade.)
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