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javerthejew
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Posted: Mon Feb 11th, 2008 11:56 pm |
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Hi!
Good to be here!
Anyways, here is the first scene from my first play, and critiques would be appreciated. Again, it is my FIRST play, so I need a good dose of abuse more than ever. Save me now, before its too late :)
The Holy Ghost and the Lawnchair DuelAttachment: Burmison, TX; The Holy Ghost and the Lawnchair Duel .txt (Downloaded 8 times)
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Edd
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Posted: Tue Feb 12th, 2008 12:23 am |
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I was intrigued by the title, especially from someone named javerthejew. :>) However, when I went to the text from the link it was all one solid block and unreadable. Can you redo it maybe. Or is it me?
And welcome to our forum. Consider yourself home.
~Edd
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javerthejew
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Posted: Tue Feb 12th, 2008 12:26 am |
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acch! You're right, it's completely indecipherable! So sorry about that, I'm gonna try to fix it, should have a corrected version up in a little while.
Thanks for the welcome.
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javerthejew
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Posted: Tue Feb 12th, 2008 12:50 am |
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| here it is. Attachment: burmison.txt (Downloaded 12 times)
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javerthejew
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Posted: Wed Feb 13th, 2008 11:39 pm |
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| Did the second file work? I think I configured it correctly.
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Edd
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Posted: Wed Feb 13th, 2008 11:49 pm |
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| nope.
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Sircmichaels
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Posted: Fri Feb 15th, 2008 02:32 pm |
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| Now I am intrigued....
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muncy
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Posted: Fri Feb 15th, 2008 03:48 pm |
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| Here's a tip. Save it to your desktop as a text file but then open it in Word. You should then find it readable. I haven't read it myself yet but it looks interesting.
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javerthejew
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 05:11 pm |
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thanks, Muncy!
Hopefully this works. Tell me what ya'll think! :)
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Edd
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 05:28 pm |
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I think you're playin' with us. I've lost interest. :>(
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muncy
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 06:03 pm |
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Try what I suggested Edd, The second version opens perfectly in Word.
Just finished reading. It's a lot of fun. I like the fact that the stage directions are written in a comic way (why should they be boring and functional) and you set the scene very well.
I'm a fan of uncompleted lines and you do this very well. You've also introduced me to a few new phrases (the pie between the thighs - lol, as they say). Pa-paw's drift into his antiwar rant would have to be done well so that the audience understand that this is a recurring thing for him; his family being moved by the words make it seem like it's the first time he has broken down like this and it jars with the rest of the piece.
Is the play complete? This scene reads more like a tv sketch to me than the beginning of a stage play. That is just a gut feeling though, others may disagree. I was also a bit overwhelmed by the number of characters all on for the opening scene but if you want to start with the end of the meal I guess you cannot avoid that.
It's a good start. Hope you have luck with it.
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javerthejew
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 06:20 pm |
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Sorry for the trouble, guys...technology is not my forte.
muncy-Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, my attempt with the Pa-paw rant is to kind of transition to the more serious mood of the rest of the scene...but it's definitely coming off very clunky. Any suggestions on how to smooth that section out would be appreciated, I'm having some problems with it.
No, the play is not complete, I'm taking it on a scene-by-scene basis, getting a bit of feedback, and then continuing.
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Edd
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 06:43 pm |
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I tried what you said, muncy. It doesn't work for me. I even cut and pasted it into word and got mostly html code. I have a student version of Word. Maybe it doesn't have Notebook. I know it's missing other things that I don't use like Access and Excel. ~Edd
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muncy
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 06:57 pm |
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How strange.
Would JavatheJew object to me cutting and pasting it straight onto the forum? I've previewed it and it looks fine.
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javerthejew
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 07:10 pm |
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muncy ,that'd be great.
thanks!
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muncy
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 07:21 pm |
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Here you go then.
THE PRODUCTION
Characters
The Street Family:
Na-nah-The family matriarch, mid-70’s
Pa-paw-The family patriarch, mid-to-late 70’s
Julie-Their oldest child, late-40’s
Louis, Jr.-Often called “Junior”. Their second oldest child, mid-40’s
Ruth-Third oldest child, mid-40’s
Harold-Youngest child, late-30’s
Mary-Junior’s wife, mid-40’s
Nina-Harold’s wife, early-30’s, Mexican-American
Lonya-Harold and Junior’s daughter, late-teens
The Wiles Family
Dan-Lonya’s fiancé, early-20’s
ACT ONE Scene One
Thanksgiving. A dining room/kitchen area.
Seated casually at the table are Pa-paw, Junior, Ruth, Harold, Mary and Nina.
Manners are lax; some guests have not arrived yet, and the ones that have stretch out their legs and wrap their arms around the backs of the empty, unclaimed folding-chairs Everyone has a (non-alchoholic) drink in a red cup that they occasionally sip from throughout the scene. The guests pick the last bites of the home-cooked Thanksgiving feast off their flowery paper plates.
Na-nah bustles around, smiling and passing out a new batch of rolls with a game-but-weary sigh or sweet wordless murmur here and there.
She is about halfway down the table when the phone rings. She drops the basket of rolls onto the table. The few who didn’t receive a roll quickly attend to grabbing one. Meanwhile. Na-nah lumbers toward the phone, advancing her plump figure across the room as if God had put her on this Earth for the sole purpose of answering this call.
Na-nah Ah gat it! Ah gat it!
In her excitement, she snatches up the phone and drops it. It continues to ring.
Na-nah (murmured) Uh…shhh..pffhuh…
She picks it back up again and holds it to her ear.
Na-nah Hello? Why, yes it is. Alfie, how are y…what? Uh…again? Uh, Lord have mercy!…he alright? Okay, good…good. And h…his product? He lose hold of his project again?...oh, shh…Pa-paw and I will be there after church tomorrow. Mhmm….thank ye. Buh-bye.
She hangs up.
She looks towards her family at the table.
Pa-paw Who was it, then?
Na-nah Oh..pffh…Pooter James and his melons again.
Papaw Huh..Lord have-
Mary Pooter James…now inn’t he the one who got hit by the-
Na-nah No, no, that’s Elliot Pimphrey. Pooter James…you know, up at the lease-
Mary Oh, yeah, yeah..Pooter. Okay.
Na-nah takes a seat in one of the chairs, positioning herself so that she is entirely visible to the audience.
Na-nah Well, anyway, yeah, he owns the lease uptown, and business has been shot there since poor Lee Newton got sterilized by that whitetail-
Nina Sterilized?!
Na-nah Mhmm…Lee Newton, used to work at the Captain Shack on Erelington. Nice kid. Anywayy…he had a real impatient disposition, Lee did. So one day he was up at Pooter’s lease, doing some huntin’, and, after scoping out the same whitetail deer for four hours, he lost patience and just decided to go for it and shoot the thing point blank.
Louis, Jr. Smart as a whip, that Lee Newton-
Na-nah And then the animal got real aggressive and went right for the pie between the thighs, if you know what I-
Mary Oh my gosh-
Na-nah The doctors took one look at it-they said it was like a tree stump and-
Nina Na-nah!
Na-nah And the best they could do was kill the pain and fix him up with a cath-eh-tur. His love life’s been mincemeat ever since, poor dear. His wife-
Mary Surely his wife stayed by his side, like a good-
Ruth Lee’s wife is still-
Na-nah clears her throat incessantly. Na-nah adds a dash of sugar to her stories just as she does her food, and damned if Ruth will present this tale as unbiased, clean-cut fact.
Na-nah Anyway, legally, yes, Lee’s wife stood by her man, like a good wife should. Even submitted a sweet little article to the paper about how love is a state of being and all…but me and the Faulkner club think that-
Pa-paw Oh, Lord.
Na-nah What is it?
Pa-paw Only the good angel Gabriel hisself remembers when you girls last talked about Faulkner.
Na-nah Now that’s tiff and you know it. We’re just waiting for our copies of The Sound and the Fury to come in-
Pa-paw For four straight years.
Na-nah Anywaaayyyyyy! Anyyywayyy, we talked about it at the Faulkner club meeting this week and we’ve gathered some research, and we happen to know that Missus Lee Newton is going for a little starch with her meat, if you know what I-
Pa-paw Here we go.
Na-nah Here we go, wut? The evidence is solid rock. She’s been foolin’ around with the School Board Head every Tuesday at the Burmison Hotel on the Water.
Nina Oh, but come on, how could you know unless-
Na-nah Nina, honey…we know. We’re sure.
Pa-paw And I’ll say it again. If you’re so darn sure, then why not tell Lee Newton about it?
Na-nah And I’ll say it again. Sometimes it better to not tell, it saves both parties an awful lot of pain. Ya’ll hear that children?
Harold Now, Na-nah-
Na-nah Mm-mm. I’m your Na-nah, you’re my children, and I can teach you a lesson whenever I want. Ain’t that right, Pa-paw.
Pa-paw Oh, undeniably.
Na-nah Exactly. So that’s what I have to tell my children to day, on this Thanksgiving, at this dinner table. Keep secrets sometimes. It’s okay. It saves a lot of heartache all around. Okay?
All but Pa-paw (murmured) Okay.
Na-nah Wooh…pfffh…Cobbler should be done by now. Ugh, poor Lee Newton. I’m surprised that the hotel doesn’t shake when Missus Newton goes down on that School Board Head. She’s so fulla lies, and grit, and disrepect, and fat-
Pa-paw (loudly, a little embarrassed now) You were talking about Pooter James and his melons, dear.
Na-nah Oh! Ha…always getting off topic…Lordy, without Pa-paw here to get me back on track…but yes, yes anyway, Pooter James business has been just shot ever since the whole Lee Newton thing. Not many people up on the lease anymore. Not even to help old Pooter out. He had to hire help this year for the first time in four decades. Poor Pooter. Just about finished him it did, to have to pay people to come by and put up fences and such. Anyway, that led to a lot of money troubles for poor Pooter. And of course, any other good ol’ boy would have just sat it out and waited for a while until his line of work was back in style, but not Pooter. Always did need to be on top of the heap. Anyway, Pooter came up with this idea to make a little money extra, keep up with some of those luxuries-
Louis, Jr. Like that Jacuzzi.
Na-nah Yeah, yeah, like that Jacuzzi…I don’t know how that thing hasn’t fallen apart by now. Annnywwaaaayyyyy, he had this plan to make some money on the side. And here was the plan; you know that old tent market they sit up once a week over on Dardenelle?
Nina Oh, yeah, yeah, with the sign that says “best peaches in town?”
Na-nah Best peaches in town? Well, that’s just plain bullsh-
Pa-paw The plan, Na-nah.
Na-nah Sorry…anyywayyy….Pooter came up with this plan. Every Thursday, when the ol’ tent market opened up, he would go and by heaps of the freshest watermelon available. Then he would drive back to the lease, and walk all the way down to the little Mexican town....Wanya…or Vay-no, or however you-
Nina Hwanyo.
Na-nah Yeah, Huh-wan-yo. He’d walk up the hills-
Louis, Jr. He walked? Why? There’s a road leads that same route.
Na-nah Hun, he walks because he can. Because he’s still able to. Huhhh…It’s hard for someone as able as you to understand, but it’s Pooter’s little way of fighting against the natural cycle of life.
Beat.
So now, he would go into that town of Huh-wan-yo, and sell the melons to the Latinos for twice the price!
Mary But wouldn’t they have paid him in pesos?
Pa-paw Aw hell, everyone pays everyone in pesos now. Pesos this, pesos that. Fence-climbers invading our country like maggots-
Nina (loudly) I’m sure he converted it. Pesos to dollars, dollars to pesos. The bank down on Hyman is great with transaction.
Pa-paw That doesn’t change that-
Na-nah ANYWAYYYYYY! Well, a few weeks ago-
Harold Wait, you knew that Pooter was pirated melons from the ol’ tent market and you didn’t tell anyone?
Na-nah Didn’t I just tell you ‘bout the value of secrets? Anywayyy, a few weeks ago, Pooter went to the doctor, cause he had been ….whats that called when you just fall asleep, just go?
Nina Oh nooo-
Louis, Jr. Oh, mama, you mean fainting?
Na-nah No, no, no, it’s like fainting, but you get diagnosed with it, and it stays-
Mary (triumphantly) Narcolepsy!
Na-nah Yeah. He had fallen asleep like that before, he said, but he just thought it was the heat and the work. But then he went sleepy-like sitting in his car at a gas station for about twenty-five minutes. So the next day, he had one of his workers drive him to the doctor. And the doctor told him he had-how do you say it?
Mary Nar-co-lepsy.
Na-nah Mmhm, Narcolepsy. Well they told him that he had it, and then they put him on a napping schedule and gave him some pills to help him get better-
Pa-paw Pills. He’d better be careful.
Na-nah Oh, please Pa-paw, you get up every morning and put more medicine in you then the cabinet at Dr. Hampson’s Pharmacy!
This gets a chuckle from a few of the guests at the table, but Pa-paw is hurt. Na-nah has just publicly outed one of the undeniable vestiges of his old age.
Pa-paw (soft, like a wounded animal) It’s for my appendicitis.
Beat.
Na-nah Right. Right. So annyyywaayy, the pills and the naps helped ol’ Pooter out a lot, but the doctors still didn’t want him gallivanting around the lease in his condition and whatnot. Well that didn’t sit with Pooter at all, let me tell you. Pooter is a working man. Every second he’s sitting still is a second with no meaning in it at all. Let me tell you, carefree don’t please him, he’d much rather be under a whole pile of cares the size of this house, he would. So after about two weeks, he said he was sick of handing off his chores to all the kids he hired. It was his lease, after all. Is his lease. So, hell, he decides, I can do it all, they just don’t think I can but I can do it all just as good as used to. So today he decides he’s gonna go make the trip up the mountain and sell some watermelons. Well, no sooner has he started trudgin’ up than he has one of his sleepy spells and passes out and falls right into the river with all those melons in hand!
Shocked reactions from all but Pa-paw and Ruth, who know this is just like Pooter.
I know! Anyyyyywaayy, a little Latino boy found him about an hour ago. He just came to. He’s down at the hospital right now. He’s got a nasty ol’ cut to get stitched up, but other than that, he’s right as rain, thank goodness.
Mary Well, That’s just a downright tragic thing to happen to a guy like Pooter.
Pa-paw Well you can be sure I will be having a little talk with him. He can give up just a lil’ bit of his fightin’ pride and have some of his new help tote those melons.
Na-nah Honey, he’s got so much pride in him he doesn’t know what to do with it.
Beat.
Na-nah Well, I think we can take out that cobbler out now. Can I take some plates?
These lines are fast-paced and overlap even more than the previous conversation.
Mary Still workin on mine-
Louis Jr. Same here-
Nina I’ll get my own but thanks-
Pa-paw Not quite finished-
Ruth I’m finished, Na-nah.
Back to normal (if it can be called normal) pace.
Na-nah Okay, lemme get that…pffh…
She picks up the plate and goes to throw it away.
Pa-paw Put it in face down, Na-nah dear.
Na-nah opens the pantry door and disappears inside.
Nina How’s your work, Ruth?
Ruth It’s good…going good.
Nina Putting together the convention again?
Ruth Yeah. Yeah, it’s in Scotsdale this time.
Nina Well, that’s fun! It’ll be hot as blazes down there, but still-
Ruth Actually, they’re saying its gonna be pretty temperate down there.
Nina Really?
Ruth Mhmm...oh….That reminds me. Pah-paw, did you take your four o’ clock pill?
Pa-paw At four o’ clock, just like you said.
Ruth Pah-paw, you were sound asleep at four o’ clock.
Pa-paw Was not.
Ruth I came in their and PBS was on and you were out cold.
Pa-paw Ruth, hun, I took my meds, awright?
Ruth Then I guess you won’t mind my going and checking The Box to see how many are left?
Pa-paw Go ahead, I took it, I know I-
Na-nah (hollered from the pantry) Pa-pawwww?! We’re out of multi-grain Cheerios! Could you put it on the list.
Pa-paw What, sugar?
Na-nah (emerging from the pantry) I said we’re out of multi-grain Cheerios, could you-
The front door opens. A faint sound of rain. Julie enters, her hair and clothes a little wet. She shuts the door, the rain stops.
Julie Whooh! It’s pouring rain out there!
Everyone goes to greet Julie. Some get up and hug her, others wait for her to make her way to them. Na-nah races away from the pantry to greet her daughter. Everyone is chattering again. A hundred separate conversations sparked by the addition of another member to the table.
Na-nah Well, howdy!
Hugs her.
Oooh…I loooveeeee yoouuuuuu!
She plants a kiss on her.
Mmmm…mah!
Julie It’s good to see you Na-nah. Happy Thanksgiving!
Na-nah You too, hun, now how about something to eat? I was just taking out the blackberry cobbler.
Julie That would be great, thanks!
While Na-nah is setting about readying the cobbler, Pa-paw stands up amid the commotion and walks slowly towards Julie.
Pa-paw Now, I’m your daddy, and you will give me a better hug than that.
Julie (grinning) Oh, will I now?
She throws her arms around him.
Pa-paw Now, that’s more like it.
Na-nah Ooooh…shh…
Harold What is it, Na-nah?
Na-nah We forget the prayer.
Mary Oh, we did! Shoot.
Harold We got all wrapped up in that parade rerun, and then straight to dinner…
Pa-paw I could do it now, if you like.
Na-nah Oh yes, please do. We can at least bless the dessert.
Pa-paw stands center stage. Everyone closes their eyes, including Julie, who is still standing up. Harold bows his head.
Pa-paw takes a moment, as if waiting for the tense, joyous air leftover from the night’s revelries to loosen a little bit.
Na-nah Whenever you’re ready, Pa-paw.
Two beats.
Pa-paw Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for the food and..companionship that you offer us today. We thank you for a house to have our food and companionship in, because, you know, not every has one. We thank you for the people who wake up everyday wanting to (his voice begins to shake a little) make people’s lives better in every way they can.
A brief pause. Everyone knows what’s coming next.
We thank you, Heavenly Father…we thank you, oh Lord for our soldiers, and the things they do for us everyday.
He regains his composure.
Heavenly Father, in the papers, every day its “end this war” this and “stop the pain” that…but…it’s funny…they couldn’t understand.
Loses his composure; fights tearing up; regains it again.
They could never understand unless they themselves went into active combat. Unless they knew what it was like to watch someone die…or…to kill someone…
He is reduced to tears. He’s not even trying anymore. He speaks through small, warped sobs.
And to kill people you don’t know have done a wrong or not, and to have their blood on you and then get a copy of the paper from your mama with a big, front-page article about your own folk, your American flesh and blood, and how they hate your war, and they don’t even wanna recognize what you did or why you did it….and you come home and there’s no victory parade, just a few family members at an empty aero-port…
He stops. He catches himself. This is how it always is; a tearful discourse followed by a sharp, embarrassed reversal in mood and tone. Still, the family is affected every time, particularly Na-nah. He continues, his voice steady again.
We thank you for today and for the…circle of love that keeps our family together…and closer than most families these days. And we pray for the well being of our friend Joey ‘Pooter’ James, amen.
All (soft) Amen.
Na-nah Now then…blackberry cobbler, anybody?
Everyone proceeds slowly towards the cobbler as Pa-paw takes out a handkerchief and wipes away his tears.
His watch begins to beep.
Pa-paw Aww, shoot. Honey, your show’s on!
Na-nah Well can’t ye tape it? I’m cutting us some cobbler right now.
Pa-paw Out of tapes, sugar.
Na-nah Shh…oh, sorry, it’s The Young and the Restless, and I just have to know what’s becoming of that baby. Would you all mind taking your cobbler and coffee in the living room?
Pa-paw I’ll light a fire.
Louis, Jr. Awright with me.
Ruth Sounds good.
Murmurs of assent. Everyone heads for the living room except Nina, Julie, and Harold.
Na-nah Ya’ll coming?
Harold Right there, Na-nah.
Harold stands up slowly and begins to walk out.
Harold What are you to ladies up to?
Nina Lady talk. And we’re gonna fix up the kitchen a bit.
Harold Na-nah won’t like that at all.
Nina Oh, she won’t mind.
Harold Oh, yes she will. I can’t let you to do that. I am gonna have to sit here and ensure that silverware remains completely untouched.
Nina It’s a little bit of ladies talk. Ladies-growing-older-talk. So, Mr. Street, sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Harold Make me.
Nina I will.
Harold How?
Nina picks up a bottle of air sanitizer from nearby and begins to spray him with it.
Nina Off with ye, off with ye!
Harold (laughing) Ahhh!!! Alright, alright! My eyes! Stop it!
Nina Out you usuurrrrrrrppppeeeerrrrrr!
Harold As you wish, as you wish.
He walks quickly out of the room. The girls wait until his laughter fades away. Julie takes a step forward.
Julie So I guess you got my e-mail.
Nina Yes. And I guess you haven’t told anyone else?
Julie Nope…not a soul. You tell anyone?
Nina Didn’t think it smart.
Julie That’s good…that’s good….
Nina Why me?
Julie I dunno, Nina…ever since you and Harold married, I’ve always seen you as someone who is very…accepting…
She hugs Nina tightly.
Julie (almost a whisper) I’m scared, Nina.
Nina Don’t be Jules. There’ll be a bad shock, Pa-paw might throw a little fit...but give them a week or so of quiet to think it over and it’ll all be right as rain.
Julie Promise?
Nina Now I don’t do promises, you know that, Jules. But it’s certainly better than everyone finding out for themselves.
Fade out.
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Edd
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 07:52 pm |
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Like muncy, I too was overwhelmed and confused by all the characters. It is hard to keep them in your head, but might be just fine on the stage. Anyway, that was some of the funniest, well-written, outrageous, multi-layered, down-home dialogue I've read since putting Mammaw in one of my plays while the pit-bulls was eatin' up folks on the television. Really good stuff!
~Edd
P.S. Have you seen the play The Foreigner?
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javerthejew
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 08:15 pm |
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| i have not, Edd. i think i heard something about it coming around Dallas pretty soon, is it worth my time?
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Edd
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 08:57 pm |
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It was worth mine--as was your scene. Thank you.
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javerthejew
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 09:02 pm |
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Thanks! Hearing that from someone of your caliber means a lot. I checked out your website. I loved Pink Gin for the Blues.
Scene two should be up in a day or so. :)
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javerthejew
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Posted: Sun Mar 16th, 2008 05:53 pm |
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.....and "a day or so" has turned into almost a month! Sorry guys, I'm having some trouble here....this play seems WAY uneven, and its taken me forever to finesse scene two into a somehwat readable form...so...tell what you think....
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dcmw9wv2_5djg598d5
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Paddy
Moderator
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Posted: Mon Mar 17th, 2008 02:38 pm |
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I loved the dialogue. It's kind of a shame that all the stories are about other people, and there's very little reveal of the 'children'. You've got a tall order. Big cast. Food on table. Whole kitchen.
I thought it was too easy that they all became emotional at his prayer. Maybe one or two are rolling their eyes, and the youngest, mouthing the words....just felt too convenient.
There's a whole wack of stuff happening.
Again, great dialogue...really fun.
Paddy
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javerthejew
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Posted: Mon Mar 17th, 2008 06:16 pm |
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| Can you explain what you mean "very little reveal", Paddy? I think I understand you, but just in case. I am considering adding a sort of prologue (think "August: Osage County") that sets up family relationships and the impending absurdities to follow.
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Paddy
Moderator
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Posted: Mon Mar 17th, 2008 07:09 pm |
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Just that we know a lot about the parents, but the others feels sort of sparse in character, mostly because of the biggness of the parents, but also that they only add conversations, none of them, aside from the end, start conversation.
Also realizing this is the first scene.
Paddy
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javerthejew
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Posted: Mon Mar 17th, 2008 07:18 pm |
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aaah...yes, I plan to flesh the other characters out, but this first act is Na-nah and Pa-paw's just like Cat on A Hot Tin Roof's act 1 belonged to Brick and Maggie....but, yes, I do feel like its a little...unbalanced...that prayer is (no pun intended) giving me hell! Because, Pa-paw is such a well-respected figure in general, I can't have everyone rolling their eyes or making faces, but these sort of things occur so often that blatant emotion would be out-of-place...and I can't just have 'em sit there! So what do you guys think? Get that info about Pa-paw in somewhere else? Or just work the prayer a little more?
Thanks to everyone on these boards! Your help has been immeasurable.
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Deirdre
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Posted: Tue Mar 18th, 2008 09:25 pm |
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Hi,
I've just joined and haven't even said hello yet, but I have looked around, seems like a pretty nice place with some thoughtful talented people.
Thought I'd pop a quick comment in here about your first scene.
I see that you describe one of your characters as Mexican American, which makes me wish you had likewise described the rest, I must admit I can't really tell if they're african american, or white american. It's pretty obvious they're from the south! haha
Fun dialogue, really natural sounding. That's a big plus.
I was hoping the dramatic question of the play would have been suggested before the very ending, if that's actually where it is. You might want to think about that.
If I've missed it somewhere, the question I mean, what this play will be about, my apologies, there is a lot of wonderful but perhaps unncecessary dialogue that might be hiding it.
Great job though. Really. Fun, and warm and lively. Your first play, you can be proud of this. Let us in a little quicker maybe.
Thanks for the read.
Deirdre
and hello
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