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Corerro
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 11:38 pm |
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| .... CEA..... (I will soon post the final final draft of this scene. Last edited on Tue Apr 15th, 2008 03:44 pm by Corerro
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 12:07 am |
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I find it works to cut and paste, so hit click on your first attempt there, and see if you can paste the play in.
Mary Alice
Last edited on Wed Mar 5th, 2008 12:08 am by Mary Alice
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Corerro
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 06:46 am |
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| Did you see I pasted it, Mary?
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 04:49 pm |
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Yes, I am glad that worked out. I have read it. And, I have been thinking about it. You're dealing with big things here. Your launguage is so lofty in places, so beautiful! Then, it leans to more modern almost cliche. Keep the beauty, you can certainly do it! Thank you.
Mary Alice
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Corerro
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Posted: Sat Mar 8th, 2008 08:08 pm |
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I would love to know specifically what fell into either category for you.
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Sun Mar 9th, 2008 01:55 am |
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Corerro wrote: "AEGISTHUS
Do you not crave the freedom to sit comfortably in your skin without objection? " Lofty "sordid past behind us, we could walk hand-in-hand into a dazzling future." Cliche
One person's opinion. Mostly, it's poetry. Beautiful
Mary Alice
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Corerro
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Posted: Sun Mar 9th, 2008 01:59 am |
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| I thank you.... I was/continue to be fully open to all feedback on it, just wasn't clear which sections I should zoom in on. I went through the entire first act with a fine tooth comb looking for these jarring transitions. My initial concept was to marry the highbrow "lofty" text associated with the classics to a more contemporary, grounded speech.
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Sun Mar 9th, 2008 04:27 am |
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Yes! And, really it is so poetic! Have you heard it read? That might be more helpful than trying to hear it on the page. I read like a New Jerseyite one minute and then a Miamian- -and we all have some lingering trace of where we are or have been. So, don't change anything untill you hear it read!
Mary Alice
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Fri Mar 14th, 2008 03:01 pm |
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Corerro,
Are you aware of this theatre? I look at the founders and leaders, an amazing group of theatre people. If it suits you, perhaps a letter of introduction? http://www.downtownurban.net
Mary Alice
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Will Kemp
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Posted: Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 03:55 am |
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Yo Corerro!!!
Before I circle in and scavage your play to bloody bits, I will say, that you have done one thing that most playwrights never do and probably aren't even aware that they ought to do:
You have created an 'emotional arc" in this scene. By emotional arc, I mean a scene that begins slowly and builds to a passion and finally a quiet resolution. It's a scene where the emotions form the graph of an arc.
The high point of the arc emerges in the speech Aegisthus makes when he quits taking her insults and attacks back with his passionate argument:
It's our fate! We're natural allies! It's meant to be!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she agrees, and the scene winds down to a quiet finish. I do like the lighting of the torch and her last words in conjunction with the torch lighting were her best words. I like the ending, I do.
My main suggestion would be to edit the scene so as to sharpen the shape of the arc.
It is just great that you are able to get an emotional arc in your play. I've been trying to do this forever.
I want to make the same point others made: I was bothered by the transitions from lofty to American speech, from original imagery [like the scavenger bird] to cliches ["Im offering the olive branch of peace."] I would prefer that you stick with one or the other style of speech.
I prefer the simple but lofty speeches: I don't like it when playwrights use "Americanisms" in a Greek play, because I am too conscious of the fact that it is a Greek play. In Godot's opinion, the simple lofty speeches suggest the mood better.
I got interested when she attacked his manhood: It occurred to me that this woman found the courage to kill her husband out of disgust with weaker people around her. "If you aren't MAN ENOUGH to do it, I AM. If you ain't got the guts, I do!!!"
Lastly, finally and also, too: Watch out for redundancies and wordiness. She says, ".. . .with nothing but worthless words." Worthless is redundant in this sentence because we already understand that she means words are worthless. Worthless words, words, words. . .
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Martin H
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Posted: Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 03:52 pm |
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I haven't commented on this before in part because of the coincidence that I've been working on a revisionist Oresteia play of my own and didn't want to get embroiled in somebody else's vision at least until I was clear of my own.
It's an interesting perspective on Clytemnestra. The moment of pause, years long, while she hatches her scheme, hesitates, ponders, reconsiders. In the Agamemnon she acts so suddenly and decisively it seems the decisiveness must be a permanent feature of her character. But it's possible she had to steel her resolve considerably.
Nothing given in any other version of this story suggests an Aegisthus capable of Astolfo's act of courage (from Life is A Dream)--inviting the dagger of a vengeful lady--and yours seems otherwise too irresolute to find such resolve suddenly. You might need to sell that idea a bit more.
(Clytemnestra's certainly due to change considerably in the second act if she's squeamish about blood in the first, at least if you plan to make her, as Aeschylus does, the main agent of Agamemnon and Cassandra's death. That could be an interesting journey to follow. )
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Will Kemp
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Posted: Sun Mar 23rd, 2008 12:04 am |
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Here's an afterthought that I had when I woke up this morning.
I like the fact that Aegisthus and Clytie are sneaking around in the shadows below the guards. It creates suspense. Also, it seems quite logical to me that Agamemnon would have his guards watching the palace so as to keep people like him out.
Also: At the end of the scene, when she lights the torch, I pictured a great flash of light/fire, followed by a blackout. I wasn't sure why she was lighting a torch, but I assumed to give thanks to the gods or to light the last fire letting people know her husband was coming home. However, for us, the fire means the conflict coming.
YO?
p.s. HI Martin.
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Corerro
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Posted: Wed Mar 26th, 2008 05:39 pm |
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I hadn't heard of it, MaryAlice, but thank you. I will check them out! *** For some reason, I never received the email saying you'd posted a new response**
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Corerro
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Posted: Wed Mar 26th, 2008 06:00 pm |
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Sweet! I greatly appreciate the feedback. I have found that the wave of creating a new classic "vernacular" to be a difficult one. One of the reasons I wrote the play was to breathe new life into an old "gentrified" play and marrying the the expected "lofty" style to a more grounded colloquial speech was the goal. What I seem to be hearing a lot though is that end of the experiment is less popular than the lofty, so I'm trying to regroup.... Will, I'd love to email you to play and perhaps in its entirety this might be more clear, but thank you again for rolling your eyes over this.
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