(Time of play is December 1999 - Two dim witted IT guys come in singing "Power Is So Delicious" as they go about taking apart the computer, and cleaning out the drawers. Dim Wit 1 picks up a mouse pad that he finds in the drawer) 
 
Dim Wit 1:  So, I had to, you know, download my entire, you know, music collection from, yah know, Napstah.
 
Dim Wit 2:  I don't really like to, yah know, buy stuff using my, yah know credit card on the internet.

DW 1:  Nah, it's free yah know.

DW2:  Yeah but, you don't want your, yah know, identity stolen.  Yah gotta be careful, yah know.

DW1:  How bout this, yah know, mouse pad?  Can I, yah know, take it?

DW2:  It's not like she's, yah know, gonna use it.  (The Dim witted techies laugh in an oafish manner)
 
DW 1:  So anyways, it's like everything's, yah know.  So, expensive these days. 

DW 2:  Yeah, like, you know, food.  Food's expensive.  Yah can't eat out everyday, yah know. 
 
DW 1:  It ain't healthy too, yah know.
 
DW 2:  Yeah, too much processed food, yah know, ain't good for yah. 
 
DW 1:  And yah gotta stay in good health, yah know. Cause, going to the doctor is, yah know, expensive. 
 
DW 2:  And yah know, we gotta protect the environment.  Yah know, global warming, and the polar bear, and yah know.  Yah know.  Global warming and stuff.  Yah know?
 

TM:  (The TM is watching on is dismay and he mentions to one of the temps)  How can they be so callous? That was a real person who sat there!  It's as though they don't care!
 
Florida: I guess it just comes with the territory.
 
TM:  (the TM walks over to them and asks some questions in a princely way - as though he's sort of talking down to them in a princely Hamlet fashion)How long does a person usually last at this job?
 
DW2:  (nonchalantly responding as they continue taking apart the desk)  Usually, yah know, a few months maybe less.  This one here had been, yah know, working at the same job for, yah know, about 8 years I believe.  But those two consultants, yah know, the ones singing the fun song about power, they're calling, yah know, the shots now since the health care magician went, yah know, AWOL.
 
TM:  The health care magician?
 
DW2:  The president of the company!  Don't you know anything.  You must be, yah know, a temp.  Anyway, yah know, he lost, yah know, his uhm, marbles and vanished off the, yah know, face of, yah know, the earth.  Yah know.  They say he probably, yah know, met his end by his, uh, own hand.  (shaking his head)  Since then the company, yah know, hasn't been the, yah know, the same.  But those two consultants, yah know, say that with all the, yah know, lay offs they'll have this company, yah know, back on it's feet, yah know, in no time.
 
DW1:  Wow!  Look at this smiley face stress ball!  It's... yah know...  Awesome!
 
TM:  (The TM grabs the stress ball from Dim Wit 1's hand)  How can you play with that stress ball?!  This once was someone's stress ball.  A living breathing human being's stress ball.  A beautiful person, who came here every day and sat in this very chair day in and day out helping people on this phone squeezing this stress ball to relieve her stress.  Yes, this person live at this job.  It was a part of her life and she was a part of this company.  And now, you act as though she was never here!  You act as if this smiley face stress ball didn't mean something to her!  That she didn't have meaning!  And...
 
HCM:  (The HCM could sort of grab the ball out of is hand - the TM looks on dumb founded): 
 
Let me see. [Takes the stress ball.] Alas, poor Yolanda!–I knew her,
Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: she
hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred
in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it. Here hung those
lips that I have kiss’d I know not how oft. Where be your gibes
now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that
were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your
own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now, get you to my lady’s
chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this
favour she must come; make her laugh at that.–Pr’ythee, Horatio,
tell me one thing.

Last edited on Wed Mar 5th, 2008 08:36 pm by natstephenson

BJ: (standing side by side BJ and Victoria sway in time with the music) Good morning employees! How the hell are yah?  11 syllables

Victoria: Oh what a glorious week we have in store for yah 13 syllables

My name is B.J. and this here is Victoria 12 syllables

BJ and Victoria: (BJ slaps the TM on his back and dips a doughnut in his coffee) Like a doughnut in coffee we're dipped in euphoria 13 syllables

An example of what I would do:

BJ: Good morning employees, now how the hell are ya? 12 syllables

V: What glory this week brings, chalk full of such wonduh 12 syllables

BJ: My name is B.J. and here is Victoria 12 syllables

V: Like donuts and coffee we're dipped in euphor'eeya 12

Euphoria must have final syllable squished together to keep to the pattern, a diphthong rather than two syllables. This is standard lyric writing, but you can syncopate beats and such, and then omit a syllable here and there.

The dialogue you present sounds fun, but you editorialize too much. It is on stage in a theatre and you don't have to tell us that the woman is fat, African-American and gay, or that the other one is of Asian descent. Why say what you can show? I feel the ebullience in your writing and it is only going to get better. You have an infectious enthusiasm and this will stand you in good stead, indeed.

Basso

Last edited on Wed Mar 5th, 2008 08:39 pm by Basso

Last edited on Wed Mar 5th, 2008 08:20 pm by natstephenson

Last edited on Wed Mar 5th, 2008 08:35 pm by natstephenson

BJ: (standing side by side BJ and Victoria sway in time with the music) Good morning employees! How the hell are yah? 

As you said, this is 11 syllables.  But when sung to the music, it's like:

BJ: (standing side by side BJ and Victoria sway in time with the music) Good morning employees! [REST] How the hell are yah? 

In other words, where one could sing another syllable, there's a rest musically speaking that is.  Yet, I agree that when one has two many syllables in it, it can be too much of a mouth full, and won't be clear to the audience.  So, my point is that I still believe that rhythmic oddities can be pretty interesting.  Take the Beatles for example.  They were not classically trained and it showed in their music with rhythmic irregularities that made it more interesting.  On the other hand, does this translate into musical theatre?  I would think in some cases yes and other's no.  What do you think?

In regards to the edits you suggested for the dialogue, they are dead on.  I'm going to play around with the dialogue a bit to tweak it, cut it down to the bone, and go from there, etc...  Thanks again for you help.

Last edited on Mon Mar 10th, 2008 04:42 pm by natstephenson