Three Short Women (OR Wisdom of Repugnance

LIVING ROOM

A tidy Home Shopping Network cluttered living room. A gaudy couch covered in plastic and a recliner both near a coffee table.

WALT, 70s, lies unconscious on a hospital bed in a makeshift “sick area” of the living room. Pill bottles and misc.

Medical items sit on a table near the bed.

A door nearby leads to a bathroom.

JEN, 30s, sits on the couch.

SUE, 50s, sits next to her wearing too much spandex,

reads a magazine.

From the bathroom…

NANNA (O.S.)

…I made it that time, Walter. Yesterday I got up, thought I had to go, but between the thought and the getting up, I had shit running down my leg.


NANNA, 70s spunk, near deaf, always speaks loud, exits the bathroom, stands yelling over the unconscious man in the bed.

NANNA

See what you’ve brought me to? Shit all down my leg. It took me twenty minutes to clean up.

SUE

Ma, you want me to go get you some depends?

Nanna doesn’t hear, adjusts the old man in his bed.

NANNA

Your sister called today, Walt. Annie, I told her, your brother has one foot in the grave and you can’t even bring

over a casserole. …and that son of yours. He drinks

himself into oblivion and pees the bed. Do you hear that? A 54 year old man and I had to buy him plastic sheets. I have to clean up piss from you and your son. Bastards.

Sue and Jen laugh out loud as an irritated, Nanna crosses through into the living room.

NANNA

I don’t know what’s so funny out here. Your father… (points to Jeni) Your grandfather is dying over there. What the hell is so funny?

SUE

Your son pissing the bed.

NANNA

(incredulous) What?! Who told you that nonsense? Annie? I’ll kill her.

JEN

(laughing)

You did. Just now.

NANNA

Who?

JEN

(yelling)

YOU DID. JUST NOW.

NANNA

What are you talking about? (waves it off) I was just telling your father I shit all over the place yesterday.

JEN

Where is Bill, by the way?

NANNA

What? Who?

SUE

(loudly enunciating)

Bill, my bed pissing brother, where is he?

Nanna sits with a thump on the couch.

NANNA

Work. That Annie is really--- the ‘c’ word.

JEN

(feigning innocence) ‘C’ word?

NANNA

Cunt… cunt… you know very well what I mean, you. Cunt… box… pussy… pudenda…(rubs her temples) My sister called this morning. Again with the accusations. She swears I had sex with your Uncle Jimmy. I told her, Jimmy stank, I’d never let him touch me. But she swears. She can’t say when,

can’t prove it, but she swears.

JEN

Just ignore her, Nanna. She’s going senile.

NANNA

Oh, she’s not senile. Just spiteful. She hates me. Even with my big Italian nose I was always prettier. And Daddy always liked me more. She suffers me for it. Sleep with Jimmie… She knows I’ve only ever slept with your father.

I’ve told you all I want it on my grave stone: Here lies Chick who had only one dick.

JEN

Yep, you’ve told us, Nan.

SUE

Over and over…

JEN

…and over.

NANNA

(ignoring them, or not hearing?) I never did much like the sex. So messy and then you had to douche. Plus your grandfather never liked to wash.

SUE

Why didn’t you wash his balls for him?

JEN

For God’s sake, Mother! 

NANNA

(amused, laughing)

I should have. He’d probably have liked it. He was an oversexed Polack, that’s for sure. I couldn’t bend over

in front of him without him slipping it to me.

JEN

Randy little codger, huh?

NANNA

What?

JEN

(yells)

Poppie, a randy little codger!…

NANNA

What?

SUE

Never mind.

Sue stands to show Jen something from the trash magazine she’s reading.

SUE

Look at Oprah, will you?! She’s sure bulking up again.

JEN

Who cares, she’s rich. If I was rich, I’d let my ass get as big as I could.

NANNA

What are you two you saying? I hate it when you all leave me out!

JEN

I SAID POPPIE WAS A RANDY OLD DEVIL, HUH?

NANNA

(laughs)

Yes. How did you know? I couldn’t bend over without him

slipping it to me…

Jen goes to fuss over the dying man in the bed. 

JEN

Mom, come and let’s turn him.

Sue and Jen each take a side of the old man, turn him to his side, rearrange the pillows.

Nanna ambles over, watching with irritation.

NANNA

I hope I get this much attention when I’m dying.

SUE

Better be good to your grandchildren.

JEN

I’ll take care of you, Nan. Don’t worry.

NANNA

Thank you Jennifer. You were always the good one. You all never cared much for him before he was dying.

SUE

Mom, please let’s not start.

NANNA

He was a son of a bitch for his entire life, smacked me around. When you were a baby, I had to hock my wedding ring to buy you formula, Sue. He always drank his paycheck away.

SUE

Mother, please don’t go there. I’m not in the mood.

NANNA

Of course you’re not. You’re never in the mood for the truth. And when he got himself fired, who had to work two, sometimes three jobs so that you all had food to eat, while he spent his time in the pawn shops spending my hard earned paychecks on fish tanks and keyboards so that I could come home after a hard days work and listen to Polkas all night. He was a son of a bitch waste of breath on most days so I can’t-

SUE

--I mean it, Ma.

JEN

Mother. Please.

NANNA

I’m just saying. I expect the same thing when I’m sick.

JEN

I promise, if you’re bedridden, and comatose, we’ll turn you every half hour so you don’t get bedsores.

SUE

Or put you somewhere that they’re paid to do it regularly.

NANNA

There it is! You’re planning on putting me in a home. I knew it. Just like my father who died in that horrible nursing home because your hateful father wouldn’t let him stay with us anymore.

SUE

Probably because we couldn’t keep him from leaving the house naked and ending up on the doorstep of one or the other of our neighbors.

NANNA

He had Alzheimer’s, Sue. He didn’t know what he was doing!

SUE

He sure seemed to know what he was doing as he padded down the hall toward my room at night. He sure seemed to know what he was doing when he snuck into bed with me and put his speckled old shriveled hand up my nightdress--

NANNA

--you are a liar! You take that back! You always hated your grandfather. You and your father had it in for him the moment we let him live with us.

JEN

(to Sue) Mother! You just can’t resist, can you?

SUE

I’m sorry. Mom, I’m sorry. Forget about Grandpa the child molester. Forget about Grandpa the man who let his wife--

JEN

MOTHER!

SUE

--Fine! Mother, I promise we won’t put you in a home because Jen already said you could live with her. Does that make you happy?

Nanna goes to Jen, hugs her.

NANNA

That’s right. Jennifer said she’d take care of me.

JEN

Of course I will. But you’ll have to get used to couches without plastic. That’s where I’ll have to draw the line.

I don’t like peeling myself off the furniture.

SUE

Because she’s the good one… That probably has something to do with her NOT being subject to her great-grandfathers comings and goings.

JEN

(hissing)

Mother shut up. This is not the time.

NANNA

Water under the bridge.

SUE

(disbelief) Sure, Ma. Water under the bridge.

They finish with Walter.

Sue kisses his forehead, which further irritates Nanna, and she huffs back to the living area, the younger women follow.

NANNA

…son of a bitch.

SUE

What’s the problem now, ma?

NANNA

Nothing, just King Tut over there on his throne.

JEN

Throne!? Nanna, he’s dying!

NANNA

(might not believe it) Sure. Sure he is. And taking a

mighty long time at it. Long enough for everyone to ooh and ahh and be all lovey dovey…

SUE

You are so selfish!

JEN

Mom. Don’t. She’s--

SUE

--she’s what? What possible excuse could you have for that last thing your grandmother said, because I can’t wait to hear it.

Silence.

Nanna waits for Jen to think of something, but she’s hard pressed.

Nanna stomps off to the bathroom, makes a big deal out of sobbing, slams the door.

SUE

God damn it, I wish I’d have taken up stenography, because I’d have this all down and printed out on paper, and be clutching it in my cold dead hand… Just show the big guy up there the transcript and I’ll be let in, sight unseen.

JEN

Mother, please.

SUE

Don’t start with me, Jennifer. I’ve lived with that woman all of my life and listened to her crap. She’s a martyr and her father was a saint. But Daddy-

JEN

--It’s her husband that’s dying. How about lets NOT make it about you this time? She lived with Poppie her whole life, and the fact is, he was a holy ass terror. That’s the truth. Let’s not rewrite history. You of all people should agree with that.

SUE

He never made nightly visits to my bedroom, so frankly that puts him higher on my list than her father.

A THUMP comes from the bathroom.

JEN

She’s fallen!!

SUE

…and she can’t get up. All senior citizens should have LIFE-ALERT.

JEN

Mother! Stop being such a bitch!

Jen opens the door and she and Sue lean in.

SUE

You ok? Looks like both hips are in tact.

NANNA (O.S.)

Oh, you think that’s funny? I could die in here and nobody would care.

Jen and Jo help Nanna hobble out.

JEN

I would.

NANNA

Would my own daughter, that’s what I’d like to know?

SUE

Of course Mom, I’d care. Mildly.

They sit her on the couch.

NANNA

(eying Sue) My mother always told me, don’t lie. That last night, me in the hospital with my tonsils taken out, her upstairs in intensive care, dying, she came to me. She looked like an angel. Never lie, Chickie, she said. Be a good girl and never lie. She was so beautiful. And she died that night. I was five years old. And my poor father had to raise two daughters all by himself.

SUE

You always seem to forget how your Mother got there in the first place. Talk about rewriting history.

JEN

Mother, please. 

NANNA

(rage)

You don’t know, Susan. You act like you know everything, Mrs. Smarty Britches. He didn’t force her to go get that abortion. She killed his child! His child! What would

God have to say about that?

SUE

Possibly the same thing he’d have to say about a husband that leaves his wife to bleed in her bed for 2 days before the neighbor woman finds her there, almost dead.

NANNA

YOU DON’T KNOW, Susan! You weren’t there!

SUE

But you were. You’ve told us the story a million times, Ma. And what I want to know is what kind of father leaves the mother of his two children to die? What kind of husband?

NANNA

It was a sin, what she did. A sin against God.

JEN

(warning bellow!) Enough, Mommie Dearest!

Sue looks at her daughter, anger turns to laughter.

Nanna doesn’t get it.

NANNA

What is so damned funny?

Nanna goes in the other room to fuss over Walter.

JEN

Mother, can you give her a break? Her husband is dying!

NANNA

That’s right. My husband is dying!

SUSAN

Isn’t it funny how she hears perfectly well, sometimes?

And other times she’s hearing music in her head. I wish I heard music in my head all day. To walk through your whole life having it scored… like a movie. I’d choose show tunes to drown out the bitter pill of reality.

JEN

She doesn’t like it.

SUE

(ignoring)

I’m Henry the Eighth, I am…

JEN

Even when I gave her that article from the paper that said it’s not uncommon in people her age--

SUE

--Henry the Eighth I am, I am--

JEN

--it still freaks her out.

SUE

--dementia.

JEN

Mom, stop instigating.

SUE

I’ve earned it.

JEN

Harsh. You’re harsh… abrasive like a walking container of Ajax.

Nanna fusses with Walter, but obviously listens in.

NANNA

(yells loudly) I know you’re all talking about me over there!

JEN

Waxing and waning.

SUE

Huh?

JEN

Her hearing. Waxing and waning.

Nanna rushes back into the room.

NANNA

I am not whining, Susan. How dare you! My husband is dying. Can’t you see that?

Nanna sobs, works herself up into a real lather.

SUE

I didn’t even say anything!

JEN

That time.

NANNA

None of you even care. He’s dying, can’t you see?

JEN

We know, Nan. We don’t have to look.

SUE

Cancer in his balls.

JEN

Oh, God!

Jen stifles a laugh, gets up to fuss over Walter adjusts pillows, covers, puts chap stick on his lips.

JEN

(sings happily, to distract) Just what makes that little old ant, think he can move that rubber tree plant… …

SUE

…that’s it Pop! High hopes! Get on up outa’ that bed!

JEN

(over Sue) Everyone knows an ant can’t move a Rubber tree plant… … but he’s got high hopes. He’s got high hopes…

he’s got high apple pie in the sky hopes! So if you’re ever feeling down, throw away that frown, just remember that ant! Oops there goes another rubber tree, Oops there goes another rubber tree, Oops there goes another rubber tree plant. (does drum, cymbal ending) Buh-dum-bump.

Suddenly the old man sits up, wide eyes.

Jen lets out a blood curdling scream, knocks down a nearby lamp in her fright.

The others jump, screaming.

WALTER

What’s all that God damned racket?

With that, he falls back down, again unconscious.

The women lean tentatively and slowly above him.

Jen pokes him.

Susan listens to his heart.

Walter breathes loudly, labored.

Shallow…

They all stare… one more breath, a gurgle and hiss.

He’s gone.

Nanna shakes him, yells at him as Sue takes his pulse, shakes her head.

SUE

That’s all, folks…

NANNA

What’s going on? What happened? Walt? Walt are you there? Get up, you son of a bitch. Wake up!

Nanna sobs.

Jen covers him with the blanket. 

SCENE 2


A DESK sits center stage. PSYCHIATRIST, Dr. Bertrand Deisel, sits at his desk. A PATIENT, sits across from him.

A large copy of LEDA AND THE SWAN hangs behind him on the wall.

NORMAN

As a teen, my family lived on a farm. The animals held no more sexual attraction for me than they would have anyone, I suppose. The closest I came would have been the one

occasion when a young calf sucked on me… briefly. I do remember not enjoying the experience.


Norman shifts uncomfortably.

Behind the desk, the therapist, nods, smiles to urge him to continue.

DR. DEISEL

Please, continue, Norman. We are not here to judge, merely to diagnose.

NORMAN

It started when I was nineteen. A roommate had recently purchased a black lab puppy and I remember being terribly captivated by it. I honestly can’t remember if I bought my own dog, with a view to possible sexual contact, but I don’t

really think I did. I went to the pound and found a German shepherd I named Shep… I used to take him everywhere I could. We’d walk for miles in the middle of the night. He slept with me, I trained him to fetch and play ball. I also started to jerk him off… I don’t really know why. It just seemed to be a natural extension of our friendship. He liked it… when I started doing it correctly.

The doctor nods, takes notes on a notepad.

NORMAN

It was when I got my own Apartment that my relationship

with Shep intensified.


Norman becomes irritated, turns to the address the doctor.

 

NORMAN

The irony of people who argue the animal consent issue with

me is astounding when you consider the way I first experienced the pleasure of being mounted by a dog.

Norman sits looks at the floor as he continues.

DR. DEISEL

And what was that experience like, Norman?

The doctor closes his eyes, caresses his cheek with his thumb as he listens.

NORMAN

I’d had a shower, and was bending naked over my bed to tuck in the sheets. I noticed Shep was aroused and then made an attempt to mount me while I was bent over. I never considered being mounted before, so I encouraged him and eventually over several days of tries, we got it…

DR. DEISEL

And by that you mean…

NORMAN

We did it.

DR. DEISEL

You had sexual intercourse with your dog.

NORMAN

His name is Shep.

DR. DEISEL

And are you of the belief, Norman, that Shep has the same ability as you to consent to such an activity?

NORMAN

(irritated)

He mounted me, remember?

DR. DEISEL

Yes, as you said. But I believe my concern, Norman, is that you are under the mistaken impression that animals have the ability to act on something other than a basic need for physical gratification.

NORMAN

I don’t think I get your meaning.

DR. DEISEL

It's impossible for animals to consent to sex with humans, Norman. If animals become the focus of one's sexual attention and activity, it might be time to explore what's on your mind: concerns, motivations, etc. Have you asked yourself why you might want to have sex with non-human animals?

NORMAN

No. I just have no interest in anyone… Other than Shep. I did want to ask… I mean… are there any STD’s that you can get from a dog? Just out of curiosity.

DR. DEISEL

Generally speaking, the STD’s we associate with person-to-person sexual contact, including HIV, cannot be transmitted through sexual contact between humans and animals because these infections are species-specific, but contact with animals can put you at risk for worms, fleas, ticks, salmonella, campylobacteriosis and scabies. Do you practice safe sex with Shep, Norman.

NORMAN

Uh… no. I guess not.

Dr. Deisel very pointedly takes note of that answer, scribbling on his notepad furiously.

DR. DEISEL

Here's something else to consider. As with other uncommon, taboo or illegal activities, sexual contact with animals might be stimulating for you because they are secretive, forbidden, and potentially dangerous acts. On the flip side, an animal doesn't "kiss and tell," nor do his expectations "get in the way." Does that illuminate anything about yourself, do you think, Norman.

Apathetic, Norman shrugs.

DR. DEISEL

Consider what from poet Octavio Paz said in his essay At Table and In Bed: "Eroticism is a representation, a ceremony of transfiguration: men and women make love like lions, eagles, doves, or praying mantises; neither lions nor praying mantises make love like human beings. We humans see ourselves in animals; animals do not see themselves in humans." I believe that quote speaks volumes, Norman.

A TIMER goes off, signaling the end of the session.
 

NORMAN

Did you know that in Belgium, sex with animals isn’t illegal?

DR. DEISEL

Norman, I think we’ll continue this on Thursday.

Norman stands, prepares to exit. 

DR. DEISEL

In the meantime, Norman. Safe sex may be the way to go.

Dr. Deisel writes some notes on a notepad.

Norman exits as the doctor finishes his notes, files them in a desk drawer, pulls out a clean notepad.

A knock on the door.

Enter DR. BILL O‘MALLEY, 50s, wrinkled smock over bland clothing, visible dandruff.

DR. DEISEL

Mr. O’Malley, is it?

BILL

Bill.

DR. DEISEL

Certainly. Bill. Take a seat and we’ll get started.

(consults papers) I see that you have been referred by your employer, Furthermore Funeral Home.

BILL

If you mean was I threatened with termination if I didn’t come, yes that is correct.

DR. DEISEL

I think it would be helpful to think of it as a sort of intervention, Bill.

BILL

So I tell you my life story and you go back and report to

my boss?

DR. DEISEL

I assure you that anything you say here is confidential. I cannot repeat anything you tell me without your consent.

BILL

Are all your clients--?

DR. DEISEL

--Necrophiliacs? No. I specialize in paraphilias.

My patients cover a wide variety of atypical sexual interests.

BILL

Like…

DR. DEISEL

Well, I couldn’t divulge any single patients issues with you any more than would the reverse be true.

BILL.

Cut the crap. All I’m asking is for a list. Consider it a request that might make your new patient more comfortable.

DR. DEISEL

Well, if a mere list is what you’re after, I guess, to rattle off a few: Acrotomophilia… sexual attraction

to amputees…Eproctophilia… sexual attraction to flatulence…

Then there are coprophilia, emetophilia and urolagnia…

sexual attraction to feces, vomit or urine… and the regular old masochism… recurrent urge or want to be humiliated, beaten, bound or otherwise made to suffer.

BILL

Oh, you’ve got a bunch of winners, there.

DR. DEISEL

Let us stifle the urge to judge others here, Bill.

BILL

And what does this professional interest in pee-swilling, shit-stinking group of idiots say about you?

DR. DEISEL

We’re here to talk about you, not me. The fact is, that the

observation of paraphiliac behavior provides valuable scientific information on the mechanisms of sexual attraction and desire, such as behavioral imprinting.

Normal biological processes may sometimes be manifested in idiosyncratic ways, and some manifestations are associated with unusual or traumatic events in early sexual experience.

BILL

So you’re saying that something in my childhood led to my--



DR. DEISEL

--I am saying that a sexual stimulus can be paired with a stimuli and even in situations that do not typically result in sexual response, a sexual response can be conditioned.

BILL

For instance…

DR. DEISEL

Well, an example comes to mind. Enemas used to be more common years ago. Think of a child with regular constipation problems being given an enema a few times

a week… Mommy lies little Bobby on his stomach, delivers the enema and rubs his back until he goes pooh-pooh. This procedure, after he gets over the initial discomfort,

could then be translated in his mind to a sexually stimulating situation. Which could carry on later in life into klismaphilia.

BILL

So, what your saying is that one of your patients enjoys a good Fleet enema to--

DR. DEISEL

--I’m saying nothing about any of my current patients. I simply outlined an example that you might understand.

BILL

And what makes you think taking a water-bath up the shitter as I jerk off is something that I could even remotely relate to?

DR. DEISEL

Well, Bill, I wasn’t associating this particular illustration with you personally, but your issues with necrophilia might speak, quite loudly in fact, of something happening in your formative years that related to this activity. In your paperwork, I see that your father also worked as a mortician. Is that correct?

BILL

(sighs, apathetic)

Yes.

DR. DEISEL

Why don’t we start there.

BILL

In a nutshell--

DR. DEISEL

--Oh, feel free to elaborate. I’ve got all day.

BILL

Yes, Pops was a mortician. Also a sadistic fuck who introduced me to dead bodies at an early age. But he wasn’t … he hadn‘t the same… respect for the dead human form as I do. He just liked cutting things. So I started liking cutting things. At five I was dissecting any neighborhood

animal I could find and kill.

DR. DEISEL

And did you enjoy that, Bill?

BILL

If you’re asking did I get off on killing animals, no. I’m no serial killer in the making. Cutting them up has never been my thing.

DR. DEISEL

What is your ’thing’?

BILL

I liked being with… anyone that would just be… quiet. My family isn’t. Quiet, I mean. They are the opposite of anything quiet. My mother and sister are a pair of clucking hens, who made it almost impossible to even be able to tolerate anyone of the opposite sex. Also, I had a crossed eye that didn’t correct itself until my late teens, so you can imagine what a ladies man I was.

The doctor smiles, gently nods. 

DR. DEISEL

(taking notes) And how do you feel about your Mother and sister now.

BILL

I could live without them, all things considered.

DR. DEISEL

Ok, lets go back to that, later. How about we concentrate first on the origins of the early access to cadavers?

BILL

At fifteen I did my first embalm. The old man was on a bender, so I did it. Pops regularly took me to work with him, as my parents had taken me out of school in the middle of tenth grade because I was having ‘socialization’ issues.

DR. DEISEL

Meaning…

BILL

Being the local morticians son did nothing to aid the popularity of the kid they later found out attended the embalm of the local Football Hero who found himself dead at 18 after wrapping his four wheel drive around a light pole before the homecoming game.

DR. DEISEL

Did you participate in his--

BILL

--yes, it was swept under the rug, but after a small article in the Sunday addition of the local paper, where it was reported that the city mortician was found passed out on the night in question, issues arose when it was determined that the son of said alcoholic prepared the Local Football Hero for interment.

DR. DEISEL

And what resulted from the incident?

BILL

We moved, I was home schooled, Dad slipped further into his bottle of Jack Daniels living the rest of his days on his pension, while his wife spent the rest of her days never letting either of us forget that we’d been the reasons for every ailment she had from a hang-nail to her recurrent bleeding hemmhoroids.

 

DR. DEISEL

So you followed in fathers footsteps, and became a mortician.

BILL

It seemed a reasonable choice.

DR. DEISEL

Reasonable, how.

BILL

A reasonable way to find myself in the company of cadavers.

DR. DEISEL

So even back then, you specifically sought out employment with the sole means of getting closer to dead bodies.

BILL

The money didn’t hurt.

DR. DEISEL

What do you remember about those earlier days. The first encounters?

BILL

I’ll never forget my first cadaver. She was a beautiful red-headed beauty. Ivory skin. I didn’t want to touch her at first… I got hard as my hand hovered over her body. I leaned in and kissed her soft lips. That she didn’t convulse in disgust did it. I was hooked. I stayed there all night with her. I climbed on top of her and had sex with her. I still remember lying there on top of her… after. I wondered why anyone would want to be with a live person when you could experience it the same way without…

DR. DEISEL

Reciprocation?

BILL

Without… breath. With the silent, unspeaking, non-judgmental absence of… life. I found it exhilarating.

DR. DEISEL

I see… And how do you feel about your Father now?

BILL

(overly casual)

Good. He’s dead. He’s there, in the morgue now.

 

DR. DEISEL

Your father is recently deceased?

BILL

Yep. Toe tag and all.

DR. DEISEL

And he is now at your mortuary.

BILL

That is correct, sir.

DR. DEISEL

Hmmmm… What will you… do with him?

BILL

(smiles)

Anything I want.

DR. DEISEL

Bill, I have some concerns…


FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 3
 

MORGUE

A working morgue with all the necessary accoutrement.

Wheelable gurneys line a wall, two

With bodies, covered.

Four 20-something students all wear picture id badges with INTERN, COOLEY COLLEGE clipped to pristine white smocks.

CRYSTAL, All-American, blonde, ANEESH, male Muslim, CALVIN, bespectacled geek, and SIRAT, brunette Indian look down at…

A table covered with a sheet, center stage.

Enter DR. BILL O‘MALLEY, wrinkled smock over bland clothing.

BILL O’MALLEY

You must be my med students…

As he speaks, he slowly pulls a sheet away from the nude CADAVER lying on its stomach.

Crystal grimaces, covers her mouth.

Aneesh and Sirat take out note pads and pencils.

Calvin checks his watch, slack jawed, pulls out a power bar and rips it open with his teeth, takes a bite.

As he speaks, Bill swats the power bar out of Calvin’s hand and it lands on the floor.
 

BILL O'MALLEY

As a mortician, it is imperative that you possess two very important qualities. Only two and you will be a success. This applies to any area of the medical field so… Are you

ready? This is quite possibly the most important lesson you will learn all year.

Calvin stares at his power bar on the floor, swallows the bite. The other three students listen, pencils poised.

The students all watch as the doctor gently touches the cadavers hair, which includes a matted clot of dried blood and open wound.

The doctor lovingly caresses the arm, rubs his hand across the back of the dead body.

BILL O'MALLEY

First, you must not be affected by anything involving the human body. Appearance, smells or otherwise. Sturdy constitution is required.

The doctor swiftly SMACKS the butt of the cadaver.

Crystal jumps, startled.

Calvin is amused.

Aneesh and Sirat both stare, brows furrowed.

The doctor smiles, then quickly buries a finger deep inside the anus of the cadaver, withdraws it and sticks a finger in his mouth.

BILL O'MALLEY

Go ahead, students. Do the same.

Horrified stares from all.

BILL O'MALLEY

Sturdy constitution, quality one.

They all look at one another…

Finally after long moments…

One by one, the students stick in a finger, grimace, gag and mostly show disgust, then suck the finger as the doctor watches.

When the last one finishes, he smiles at them.

BILL O'MALLEY

The second most important quality for a doctor to have is astute observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Observation… Pay attention, students.

All students display proper disgust.

BILL O’MALLEY

That’s enough for today, I think. Go have lunch…

Mortified and sickened students file out hurriedly. Bill slides the dead man CENTER to the side, next to the other bodies, covering it. He then pulls one of the other gurneys to STAGE CENTER, gently removing the sheet to reveal a WOMAN. He pulls the sheet down to her waist, stares longingly at her.

He gently cups her breasts with his gloved hands.

Irritated, he removes the gloves, again cups the hands, smiles, falls into a reverie.

He touches himself… fondles himself and the cadaver.

A FUNERAL DIRECTOR ENTERS. 

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Bill, we need to talk.

Bill looks more irritated than nervous at being caught ‘red-handed‘.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Bill, you’ve got a problem. And your problem is quickly

becoming mine. I’d have thought your therapy might be going better. I’ve contacted Dr. Deisel and he’ll be here, shortly.

BILL

Here?!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

He wanted to observe you in your workspace.

BILL

What’s the problem?

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Bill, you’re a quiet employee, you get your work done, impeccably. That has always led me to overlook

your… peccadilloes. But we’ve had more complaints--

BILL

--what now?

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Did you make your interns stick a finger in the anus of a cadaver and then suck it just now?

BILL

(irritated)

It was an exercise in observation.

The funeral director nods toward Bill’s hand, which is still constantly caressing the breast of the dead female cadaver.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Well, now I am observing your behavior, and it is, at the very least… …disturbing.

Bill jerks his hand away, irritated.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

And then there was the incident last week with Mrs. Kent’s body.

BILL

I told you, I did not put the cigar into the vagina of that woman. I don’t know how it got there.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Well, since she died after giving birth, the possibility of someone not noticing a Cuban cigar in her vaginal cavity during delivery is quite slim.

BILL

You have no idea what happened to that cadaver between childbirth and its arrival here.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

No, Bill, I do not. But I only know one person with a penchant for dead bodies, and that person is here, not at Mercy Hospital. And then there was the incident with that Smith cadaver and the bruising on her nipples.

BILL

-- they bruised that cadaver when they tried to resuscitate her.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

(irritated)

Well then, I might want to notify the head of the EMT department, because someone is doing CPR fairly inefficiently. Last time I checked, compressions weren’t done in the nipple area.

BILL

They’re dead. What’s the big deal?

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

(sighing)

Dr. Deisel be here shortly. I suggest you take your therapy more seriously Bill.

The Funeral director EXITS.

NANNA'S LIVING ROOM
The hospital bed is gone.

A mini-shrine has been set up on the coffee table, consisting of a picture of Walter, a few lit candles, and an URN on top of a doily.

Empty plates and cups litter the tables and sit on a bunch of folding chairs are scattered around the room.

Jen cleans up the mess.

Nanna sits on the couch, rubs her bare feet.

Susan hangs out of the front door.

SUE
Ok, Auntie Annie…

AUNTIE ANNIE (O.S.)
Are you sure you don’t need help going through the envelopes? I’d be happy to make a list for you.

SUE
Nope, we’ve got it…

Sue slams door shut.

SUE
…you old bag.

NANNA
Is she gone yet?

SUE
You’re not going to believe what she did.

JEN
What? 

SUE
She took her deviled eggs back.

NANNA
What? What happened?

SUE
Auntie Annie took her deviled eggs back.

JEN
(goes to peek out a curtain) Ssshh. She’s still out there getting in her car.

Sue and Jeni giggle.

NANNA

What? SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT’S SO FUNNY!

Jen goes to Nanna, lips near her ear.

JEN
(whispers loudly) Auntie Annie took her deviled eggs home with her. The ones she brought.

NANNA
Yeah?

JEN
She took them back. Only two of them got eaten and she took the rest home.

NANNA
I told you she was a cunt.

JEN’s peeking out the window again.

JEN
Shhh, Nanna! She’s not gone yet.

NANNA
What the hell do I care? I hope she gets salmonella and I hope she hears me say it!

JEN
Did you see how many she brought? Twelve. Twelve halves which makes 6 eggs she took the time to cook for her own brother’s memorial. Half a dozen.

Nanna sits down to the kitchen table, begins to go through envelopes.

NANNA
It’s not funny. She’s stingy.

SUE
And she took a big slice of prune Danish with her.

Something about this sets Sue laughing in that silent but deadly mode.

JEN
Prune Danish and deviled eggs. She’ll be on the toilet all night.

Jen goes to the coffee table that houses Walter’s ashes, calls Sue over.

JEN
Help me move this, will you? I want to vacuum.

SUE
Take the stuff off first.

JEN
We can move it like this, watch out.

Jen and Sue pick up the table, slowly walking to the rear of the room.

Sue wobbles and the URN topples off of the table, opens and ashes dump all over the carpet.

Nanna is none the wiser, as she opens envelopes.

NANNA

Look at that. Your Uncle Leo gave us five dollars. Five dollars. What am I supposed to buy with that, a tube of hemmhoroid cream?

Sue and Jen stare in horror at the pile of ashes on the floor. Nanna turns around when nobody answers, sees them staring at the mess on the floor.

NANNA

What are you two doing? What is that--OH MY GOD IS THAT YOUR FATHER? Oh, Jesus H. Christ, is that your father in the carpet?

Sue is bent over, crosses her legs to keep from peeing.

Jen is horrified, covers her eyes with her hands.

Nanna runs over.

JEN

Oh, God--Mom, pick him up!

SUE

How?

Sue bends down, begins trying to scoop the ashes back in the urn with the lid.

Ashes are blowing around her face and she waves them away, coughing.

NANNA
Stop, Sue. You’re getting him all over the place!

Jen pushes everyone out of the way.

JEN
Stop! Just stop touching him. Let me think!!

Sue unsuccessfully tries to stifle the giggles which sends Nanna into a more frustrated mode.

NANNA

Yes, that’s funny. Your father is in the carpet. Keep laughing, you. We’re going to have to tear out my carpet and toss it in the lake, ashes, carpet and all.

JEN
Stop laughing.
 

SUE
You stop!

JEN
Hold it, I’ve got an idea.

Jen goes to a nearby closet, pulls out a DIRT DEVIL.

NANNA
Oh no! I just vacuumed up the dogs bed with that!

JEN
I’ll change the filter.

Jen makes busy with cleaning out the filter into a trash can.
Sue bends to talk to the pile of ashes in the carpet. 

SUE
Sorry Daddy. We’ll get you fixed up.

NANNA
Oh, you’re such an idiot!

Nanna, hands raised and staring above, speaks to the ceiling.

NANNA
You see this, Walt? One day in your new can, and they’ve got you spilled in my dirty carpet. The same carpet that the dog pisses on. Wait till your brother sees this. All his hard work. (as she smacks Sue in the head)

Sue stifles a snort of disgust mixed with laughter, still on the floor.

SUE
What work, Ma? He slides them in and pushes a button. I had an E-Z bake Oven, I know the drill.

Jen kicks her in the ass.

JEN
Uncle Bill handled Poppie at the morgue? That’s kind of--
She turns on the Dirt Devil.

SUE
(yells over vacuum sound)
-Inappropriate? Gross… vile… disgusting… pick one, they all
apply to your Uncle Bill.

The humming sound sends Nanna sobbing.

NANNA
Oh, Jesus forgive them. They’re sucking my husband up with a vacuum. Never mind, don’t forgive them. Send them all to hell, what do I care? That’s probably where Walter is anyway.

Jen sucks up the ashes, pounds on the carpet to see where the dust is.

Nanna covers her eyes as the rest watch until the vacuum turns off.

Nanna watches them gingerly pour the ashes back in the urn from the filter, then returns to her envelopes.

NANNA
What do I care? In the carpet, the toilet, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Nanna returns to the table and her condolence cards.

Jen stands, puts the top back on the urn and brings it to the table in front of Nanna, sets it down.

JEN
There.

Nanna takes the urn and opens it, looks inside.

NANNA
Are you sure he’s all there? It feels lighter.

All three sit at the table and begin to open up envelopes, read and put checks aside.

NANNA
I need a piece of paper and a pen. Jen go over to the cabinet and get me one.

Jen gets up, crosses the room, avoids the spot on the floor where Walter was spilled, gingerly goes around it.

She comes back with the pen and paper, again goes around the spot on the carpet.

She hands them to Nanna, sits back down.

For long moments they all quietly open envelopes, read silently and put checks in a pile in the middle.

NANNA
Do we have any more of that prune Danish?

BILL enters the front door, carries a box.

SUE

There he is, just in time. Pop was in the carpet for a few minutes there, but thanks to the Dirt Devil, he’s all back now. Safe and sound.

She taps the URN.

BILL

I doubt that.

NANNA

(pointing to box)

What’s that? 

BILL

My personal effects… from work. I was terminated.

NANNA

Fired?!

BILL

Yes. But, on a positive note, there won’t be any charges pressed.

JEN

What charges?

Bill exits again, holding the door open with his foot as he pulls at

A large object from outside…

SUE

How the hell do you manage to get fired from a job where you have to be around dead people?

Bill pulls a large BODYBAG into

the house, as the door slams.

JEN

(IMMEDIATELY STANDS!)

What IS THAT?

BILL

(turns to Sue)

Because I like to touch them…

(turns to Jen) Pops.

JEN

WHAT?!

NANNA

What do you mean you like to touch them…?

SUE

That interests you more than the cadaver bag in the living room?

JEN

That better not be a dead person, I’m not kidding!

BILL

As it turns out, I went a bit too far with a cadaver or two, and also (points to URN) that’s not Pops. (points to bag) This is.

 

NANNA

Who is going to pay the electric and rent around here now, Mister? Your father is dead, and so is his Social Security check delivery. Mine sure isn’t enough to pay the bills.

JEN

WHO IS IN THAT MOTHER FUCKING BAG, BILL?

BILL

I told you, Pops.

Sue goes over, starts to unzip bag…

SUE

Yeah, right… (zip) Holy SHIT.

Jen flies across the room as far from them as physically possible, pastes herself to the farthest wall.

JEN

Please, please… tell me there’s not really a body--

SUE

It’s Poppie all right.

NANNA

(points to URN)

Then who is this?

BILL

John Doe.

NANNA

You mean we had some stranger in the friggin’ carpet…

(as if she just now gets it) And WHY THE HELL did you bring him back here. What I give to God I don’t want back.

Sue explodes into laughter.

JEN

(hysterical)

Are you people kidding me?

SUE

Why did you give us fake ashes, idiot? I’d have thought you of all people would have paid to send dad into the big pizza oven.

BILL

As it turns out, I had a stronger affinity for the old man after he stopped breathing.

JEN

Oh my God.

NANNA

And just what are you planning to do with him now? He better not be leaking anything into my carpet. We just dug someone else out of it.

Nanna goes to the urn, brings it to the trash can, opens and dumps the remains, replaces the lid.

JEN
Oh, God. There are so many sins against man and God going on right now. Uncle Bill, for the love of God, PLEASE take Poppie back to the morgue, with the urn and--

BILL
Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I’ll have to figure out a way to dispose of him here.

SUE
The wood chipper gets my vote.

NANNA

Bill, quit fooling around and take your father back and burn him.

BILL

I’ve been banned from the premises.

NANNA

Well, for God’s sake, take him to the bathtub or something for the time being. I can smell the formaldehyde through that chintzy plastic you’ve got him in.

SUE

Oh, come on, Ma. You’re kidding me, right?

NANNA

Well, he says he can’t take him back, we’ll figure out something. (to Bill) Hey, I paid for that urn filled with ashes, I want my money back if it isn’t your father.

BILL
(pulling bag toward bathroom) You can give up that dream.

JEN
No! Don’t put Poppie in the bathtub. What is wrong with you people? I’m calling the police.

Jen runs to the phone, begins to dial, but Nanna intercepts, takes the phone and hangs it up.

NANNA
Jen, sweetie. You heard your Uncle. There will be no charges, let’s not tempt them, huh?

SUE
(yelling to Bill, now in bathroom)
So, let’s discuss the touching, brother of mine. What happened? And, please leave no detail unspoken.

Thumps and thuds are followed by the sounds of water and hand washing from the bathroom before Bill exit’s the bathroom.

BILL

A few complaints, that’s all.

SUE

You were fucking the dead people, weren’t you?

JEN

Oh, my God.

Jen goes to peek into the bathroom, begins sobbing, then takes to the couch, knees to her chest in an upright fetal position.

BILL
In a nutshell.

SUE
I should have known. You totally fit the profile.
 

NANNA
Who cares, anyway? They’re dead. They don’t care. I for one don’t see what the big deal is. Somebody wants to get their jollies off me when I’m dead, that’s fine. More action than I got alive.

JEN
Nanna! The big deal is that they’re DEAD. What about some semblance of respect for the deceased? What is wrong with you people? Do you realize you are scarring me for life, emotionally… right now, in this house, as we speak!?

BILL
I’ve got a therapist you might be interested in--

JEN
Oh, shut up you disgusting old pervert!

SUE
Don’t be such a drama queen, Jen. For God’s sake, you’ve lived in this family for 38 years, and you hadn’t even a whiff of something like this possibly happening?

JEN

Are you KIDDING ME?

LOUELLA

Who is this therapist? Don’t tell me your sitting in some office unloading crap about your family. I don’t like that, Bill.

JEN

But your dead former husband in the bathtub isn’t a problem?

SUE

Not for me. But don’t expect me to help clean up the mess. What are you planning to do, Bill? Dismember him and dissolve his body with hydrochloric acid?

BILL

That would probably be the easiest route, though there’s no need for dismemberment. With the quality today of pharmaceutical acids, it shouldn’t cause more than a brief hiccup in the tub drain.

NANNA

Oh, no your not. You’re not clogging up my tub. He’s in there for a brief stay till you figure out where to take him and bury him. And not in my yard, I might add.

JEN

Oh, God. Poor Poppie.

NANNA

Poor Poppie my ass.

SUE

Jen, relax. He’ll wait till it gets dark, then take him out to the lake and dump him. No biggie.

BILL

Well, see there is the issue of the body being found… I have to dispose of him here. I can’t risk the dead body turning up somewhere unexplained.

JEN

I think I’m going to vomit.

Jen hurries to the bathroom, vomiting and screaming her revulsion can be heard.

JEN (O.S.)

God damn it! You said he was in the tub, he’s on the floor in here. Jesus H. Christ… I’ve got to get out of here…

NANNA

Sue, for heaven’s sake, take your daughter home.

SUE

Are you kidding me? I’m not leaving. I’ve got to see how this all plays out.

Jen exit’s the bathroom, gathers her purse.

JEN

Mother, take me home. I can’t stand to be--

Bill moves to enter the bathroom, but Jen rushes to block his way, pelting him with her purse.

JEN

Get AWAY from him, do you hear me? Don’t you dare touch my grandfather again you aging dandruff ridden pile of shit!

BILL

(turns away) Fine by me, but I doubt Ma will be able to lift him into the tub herself. She’s always saying her hemmhoroids are the size of walnuts as it is.

NANNA

That, they are. Jen, come here…

Nanna gently leads Jen to the couch, sitting beside her and brushing her hair from her face.

NANNA

Honey, listen to me. Your grandfather is dead. That’s not him in there, just the shell he walked the earth in.

SUE

Oh, god. This is priceless. Where’s my video camera, because this would get millions of hits on YOUTUBE.

JEN

And you’re not bothered by this, Nanna? OR the fact that your son recently divulged the information that he was fired from his job as mortician for TOUCHING DEAD BODIES?!

BILL

To be fair, the touching is sort of part of the job.

JEN

Shut up!

BILL

I just feel the need to clarify the fact that to embalm bodies, I would have to, in fact, touch them. What I was fired for was a bit more than that.

SUE

Do tell…

BILL

I believe the straw that broke the proverbial camels back was the head of the State Mortuary Board showing up unannounced before I was able to extract my penis from the mouth of a lovely cadaver named Lucy. It was a bit difficult to be come disengaged--

JEN

--You are VILE!

NANNA

Now, stop! Both of you.

JEN

Don’t say ‘you’ as in the plural ‘you’!!… Don’t lump me in with your necrophiliac son over there. I’m normal. Psycho Sam over there, the only son you managed to give birth to is playing in his own version of “I touch dead people” and you have the nerve to say ‘you’ as in the plural you, speaking to us both in the same sentence!? Don’t speak to me with the same mouth you speak to him with.

SUE

Well, that might be difficult, unless she starts literally talking out her ass as she frequently finds herself figuratively doing.

NANNA

(to Jen, harsh)

Are you telling me, little girl, that you’ve nothing in your life that you wouldn’t want to share with the rest of us? Nothing that might be considered… unseemly?

JEN

Nothing that involves dead people!!

BILL

How about a goat?

JEN

Oh, is that another of your precious peccadilloes? You a goat-fucker, Uncle Bill?

BILL

Of course not, don’t be ridiculous… But my therapist did tell me this interesting story about a necrophiliac homosexual carnivorous band of dive bombing rapist mallards…

At first I was irritated, but then I think I got the gist of what he was trying to say--

JEN

--Mary H. Magdaline… what the fuck are you talking about, old man?

SUE

That’s it, where’s your old video camera, Ma?

NANNA

How the hell would I know? Your father was the only one that used that stupid thing? Check the linen closet. But don’t watch any tapes you find marked Chicky. He used to film us having sex. I mean it, mind your business, Susan.

Whatever tape is in it, just record over it.

SUE

No worries, Mom. The last thing I need to see are the flabby asses of my parents having senior citizen sex. I’d rather blow Bill in the middle of a busy shopping center.

JEN

Jesus, Mother! What is happening to you people? A few hours ago the worse thing we were doing was scraping up we thought were Poppies ashes from the carpet. Now you’re talking about blowing your brother!

Sue begins rummaging through closets, drawers, etc.

SUE
I didn’t say I wanted to blow my brother, idiot. I merely said if the choice was watch Ma and Dad doing it or blowing Bill, I’d be hard pressed, but I’d be on my knees sucking my brother‘s cock in the middle of Wal-Mart.

Jen begins to bang her head against the couch arm, violently and repeatedly.

JEN
(as she bangs her head)

Oh, God, this isn’t happening. I must be having an aneurysm. (singing) …one of these things is not like the other… …one of these things just doesn’t belong--

NANNA

(back to Jen, yanking her upright)
--So, you’re saying that there’s nothing you’d rather your mother and I and your Uncle didn’t hear about, then? Your closet is skeleton free?

JEN

Free of anything illegal or blatantly immoral, I can tell you that!

NANNA

Is that so?

Sue enters another room, disappears momentarily.

JEN

Yes, that’s so! What are you getting at?

BILL

Just that nobody’s perfect.

NANNA

That’s right, missie.

BILL

…shades of gray…

Sue hurriedly slides back into the room with a VIDEO CAMERA aimed at the other three people in the room, RED LIGHT on signaling record.

BILL

So there’s nothing you’d like to share with the group?

SUE

(loud whisper as if a golf commentator) Just to update you, gentle viewers, Uncle Bill, resident mortician, recently fired from his job for inappropriate touching of cadavers, brought home--

Sue sidles up to the bathroom door, filming the contents of the inside of the room from the threshold.

SUE

--A dead body that also happens to be his father. My father. Take a look…

NANNA

Nothing you think might keep you from soundly standing on that higher moral ground you’re on right now?

JEN

What are you trying to say, Nanna? Do you have something to ask me?

NANNA

Well, far be it from me to judge, but I’ve always been under the assumption that fornicating with those of your own ‘ilk’ was against the commandments of God.

Jen stands, paces as Sue immediately swivels to capture the antics outside the bathroom.

BILL

Right there in the bible.

NANNA

…up there next to ‘do not covet thy neighbors wife’

JEN

I don’t think there are any shades of gray between screwing dead people and being… gay.

BILL

So you admit it, then. You’re having sex with Lucy Strathairn, wife of Rex Strathairn, terminally ill Rex, father of two, white-knuckling it through a few more days of morphine induced dementia--

JEN

--You are sick. Both of you. You compare me to--

BILL

-- you’re having sex with your neighbor whose husband is dying. I find that more reprehensible, morally, than anything I’ve done.

NANNA

Damn right. What you’re doing is wrong, Jen. I won’t even bring up the tawdriness of that double dose of pussy, but the poor man is up there lying in on his deathbed while his wife doodles the neighbor woman on the kitchen table next door.

JEN

How would you know that?

SUE

Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaally. Jen, I had no idea.

NANNA

OH, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, girl! The whole block knows.

JEN

(SCREAMING!)

Well at least I won’t be FUCKING HIM on a gurney in the morgue. That we’ll leave to Uncle Bill, here? Tell us, what exactly do you do with them, mister Nasty!

BILL

(softer)Whatever I want.

JEN

Oh, that is vile! You are--

SUE

(from behind the recording camera) …human. --like the rest of us.

JEN

You’re defending him?

SUE

Hell no. I have always maintained that my brother is indeed rife with more disgusting personality flaws than I intend to discuss. But I’m not judging them. Not morally. That’s for higher powers to ponder. I’ll just call him an idiot and leave it at that.

JEN

Being gay isn’t morally wrong.

NANNA

That’s your opinion.

SUE

… I was referring to the almost-dead neighbor and his wife that your balling. Is it balling when it’s two women?… Probably not. What word would you use?

JEN

I love her. I’m in love with her.

NANNA

And him? How do you feel about Rex with the cancer filled pancreas?

BILL

And I love cadavers. I’m in love with cadavers.

JEN

--so you’re comparing me to him?! (points to Bill)

He just informed you both that he was fired for doing God knows what to dead corpses, AND LOVES THEM, and you’re all lecturing me about having sex with a live person that I love?

SUE

…and ignoring the collateral damage.

BILL

Dead people have no collateral damage.

JEN

(turns and begins strangling Bill)

You shut up, do you hear me? You cadaver humping, goat fucking jar of bile--

Bill yanks himself away, rubs his neck.

BILL

I’m not humping a goat! It was just an illustration. On the stump, a former presidential candidate was heard decrying "publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia… we’re all lumped in together, little girl. You might want to get used to it.

NANNA

That’s right. Honey, we’re just saying. If you’re in the judging mood, look a little closer to home. YOUR home. It’s always best to start there.
Jen tries to stifle quiet sobs, make some sense of what she’s hearing.

JEN

I just want to go home….

Bill bends down in front of Jen, gently sums up…

BILL
What I’ve learned from Dr. Deisel is that there are many shades of gray when it comes to sexual peccadilloes…

To paraphrase the Marques de Sade… There is nothing either fundamentally good, nor anything fundamentally evil. Everything is relative…

NANNA

Enough of this, already… What are we going to do with the problem in my bathroom…

FADE TO BLACK