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SeanD
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| Location: | Florida USA |
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Posted: Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 01:13 am |
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This is my first full length musical that I've written. It's entitled Back In Business. In a nut-shell, it's about three groups of people, all high school students, and an outsider, whos a teacher named Mrs. Peters. The students within their groups deal with relationships between a guy and a girl, two girls and a guy, and anything in between!
Because this is my first full length musical, I am hoping that someone will critique it. I don't want to post the entire thing. This is a scene that I have chosen. Here is a character list, and a brief description of each.
Tommy - Matt's best friend, love intrest is April, very dependant on the people around him
Matt - Tommy's best friend, can be overly commanding, assertive
April - Stunning beauty, smart, Tommy's love intrest
Jason - Charmer, good looking, associted with Sarah and Amber in act 1
Sarah - Competing with Amber for Jason's affections
Amber - Competing with Sarah for Jason's affections
Kasey - Who Jason really likes
William - Katherine's love interest, more refined than the average high school student
Orville - William and Katherines best friend, above-average smarts
Katherine - She desperately tries to get William to like her
Mrs. Peters - A kind teacher who has an advice colmb in the school paper, acts as a mentor to the students.
ACT 1, SCENE 3
AUDIO 3 months earlier.
JASON I’m telling you! Nothing can defeat Superman!
AMBER
No! Spiderman is way cooler.
(GP)
And hotter.
(They stop at DC.)
JASON Well…Spiderman isn’t real.
AMBER Neither is Superman.
JASON I know.
AMBER And once you think about it, no real superhero exists.
JASON You are something else, Amber.
AMBER Is that so?
JASON Yes.
AMBER What makes me different?
JASON Ahh…umm, well-
(Coughs, he looks at his watch and exclaims.)
Ohh! Isn’t Sarah supposed to be here now?
AMBER (Immediately changing her mood.)
I don’t know.
JASON I wonder where she is.
AMBER Why do you care so much?
JASON Well, we were all supposed to hang out together.
AMBER Hang out as friends…right?
JASON (A bit shocked.)
Yeah, totally
AMBER
(GP)
Good.
(SARAH walks in. She doesn’t notice AMBER at first. She notices JASON with high enthusiasm.)
AMBER Hi, Jason!
(Now noticing SARAH.)
And, hi…Sarah.
SARAH
Hey, Amber!
(SARAH and AMBER begin to collide at center.)
JASON (He quickly intervenes.)
All right! Let’s break it up.
(AMBER and SARAH glower at eachother while JASON acts as a human barrier. After a while, tension begins to ease, JASON lets go.)
SARAH
So, Jason…you look good today.
(AMBER reacts accordingly.)
We should hang out sometime.
AMBER
(They both break out in a full scale argument.)
I thought we were all gonna hang out together.
SARAH You really don’t have to be involved in this!
AMBER Why are so nosy all the time!
JASON
Huh?
SARAH
I’m not nosy! I just don’t like it when you but into our business.
AMBER Your business! Ohh!
SARAH
(Overlaping AMBER’s last bit of her line.)
Hey! Look! I didn’t ask for this! You started it!
AMBER You’re acting like a baby!
SARAH
Just because you fell like you’re in control here deson’t mean you need to call me a baby!
JASON This has got to stop!
SARAH On behalf of Amber, I apologize.
(SARAH exits.)
AMBER
Once you think about it, Sarah’s brain does not exist.
(AMBER exits. The EXTRAS exit as well, just as a BELL RINGS.)
JASON Once you get past her constant bikering, she’s really great. Really hot. At least I think she is, anyway. I just wish, that I could really say what I feel.
There is a song that comes after all this, but I don't think I need to put it in.
Anyway, there it is. C&C appreciated.
Last edited on Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 12:29 pm by SeanD
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stephenmhunt
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Posted: Thu Apr 10th, 2008 02:47 pm |
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Hello SeanD
For all I know, this is a brilliant scene that moves the action along in very skilful ways. On the other hand, it could be the opposite - how can I tell when its a few stand alone lines?
I think you need to take more of a risk by giving your readers more to get their teeth into. You have to make your mind up whether you want your material "out there" to be read, or not?
I'd like to be discovering what each of the characters want, how the scene is moving the story forward from the 1st & 2nd scenes to the fourth and yet further still.
Hope this helps. Best, Steve
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SeanD
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Posted: Thu Apr 10th, 2008 11:23 pm |
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I could post a link to the entire script as a .pdf document if you really wanted. Do you think that that would be better?
I do understand that this is only one scene, and it can be confusing. But thanks for the critisism!
Last edited on Thu Apr 10th, 2008 11:25 pm by SeanD
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stephenmhunt
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 08:38 am |
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| I take it you've got an outline? - that would be the best place to start. Wait to hear from you. Best, Steve
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SeanD
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 07:26 pm |
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I've actually got most of it done. I started on this last August. I'm on page 86
Unfortunately, the fact is that you can't really post a word document safely. It's called "copy and paste". I could post a .pdf word document, but there is a program out the called "SnagIt" that allows you to convert a piece of text to a writable format.
Until I find a safe method to get my script out there, I'll keep posting scenes.
Sean
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stephenmhunt
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 09:42 pm |
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You must do what you feel most comfortable with, Sean.
Think of the outline of your work as the foundation that everything else is built upon. If the foundation is sound, then the rest has a good chance of being sound, too.
If you don't have an outline yet, write one - its a great way to "check in" with what you've got so far. If writing an outline at this stage is a piece of cake, you're doing well. Otherwise, you'll be self-critquing and getting yourself back on track.
Best wishes, Steve
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SeanD
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Posted: Sat Apr 12th, 2008 01:35 am |
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Sounds like a good idea.
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