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solarcirclegirl
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| Joined: | Wed Oct 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Conway, Arkansas USA |
| Posts: | 41 |
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Posted: Wed May 7th, 2008 01:49 pm |
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This is the first scene of a play I've been working on for a couple years now. I think it's at the point that I need some critiquing. I will post the scenes seperately as I finish editing them because the play is quite long.
While it's not present in this scene, the subsequent scenes play with the Christian pantheon which may offend some people. None of this is meant to be shocking, but I thought a fair warning was needed. Also, there is mild cursing.
Also, forgive the formatting SNAFU. I cut and pasted from Final Draft.
Thanks in advance :)
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SCENE 1
Lights up. The back drive way to JACK’S house. There’s two lawn chairs with a cooler in between them. The lawn chairs face the street. HAZEL is sitting in what was JACK’S chair, drinking from a bottle of wine. She looks like she’s been crying. Enter CARTER, who looks exhausted.
CARTER
I’m sorry.
HAZEL ignores him. She drinks.
CARTER
You look nice if it’s any consolation.
HAZEL turns away.
CARTER
For God’s sake, Hazel, say something.
HAZEL
This is all your father’s fault.
CARTER
My father? How so?
HAZEL
Your father always gets these hare brained ideas and they end up getting my father into trouble!
CARTER
Your father is just as bad.
HAZEL stands.
HAZEL
Take that back!
CARTER
I will not! It’s true.
HAZEL
How...dare...you!
CARTER
Oh, get off your high horse. You know my father was the weak one in this relationship and your big fat hotheaded dad was the source of most of the particularly dumb stunts they pulled.
HAZEL
No, no, NO! My father is dead because of your father and his idiotic ideas!
CARTER
You can stop it right now. You’re not the only one who lost someone today.
Beat while HAZEL fights back tears.
HAZEL
Every day I see fathers walk their daughters down the aisle. I see them dance to frigging ‘Butterfly Kisses’ or whatever song is the song to dance to for the father-daughter dance. And now I’ll never know what that would be like.
CARTER
I’m sorry.
HAZEL
Me too.
They hug each other, crying. A beat.
CARTER
What song did you have picked out?
HAZEL
What?
CARTER
For the father-daughter dance.
HAZEL
It doesn’t matter.
CARTER
Sure it does. What song?
HAZEL
Stop changing the subject, I’m still mad at you.
CARTER
Maybe you should stop drinking. It seems to be clouding your ability to think rationally.
HAZEL
I am being perfectly rational! Maybe you should shut up and go away.
CARTER
We should have their funerals together.
HAZEL
Why would we do that?
CARTER
They’ve been best friends their whole lives. They’ve been closer to each other than they ever were to their own brothers. They went into the army together, they were best man at each other’s wedding, baby sat us growing up. Besides it was in their wills.
HAZEL
How would you know?
CARTER
I drafted their wills as a Christmas gift a couple years ago.
HAZEL
Oh.
CARTER
Your dad is cheap. He didn’t want to have to pay a lot for a lawyer to do it.
HAZEL
Was cheap.
CARTER
Yes, was cheap.
HAZEL
I’m going to have to get used to this past tense. Was, was, was. Not is. Was.
Beat.
CARTER
We need plan to the funeral.
HAZEL
Why are you looking at me? I’m a wedding planner, not a funeral director.
CARTER
What’s the difference?
HAZEL
You’re so romantic.
CARTER
Come on. Everyone dresses nice. There’s a ceremony. There’s a book to sign your name. People cry. There’s a huge meal and a giant party afterwards.
HAZEL
I’m surprised you actually proposed to Linda with a devastatingly romantic attitude like that.
CARTER
I didn’t get a chance to.
HAZEL
What do you mean, you didn’t get a chance to?
CARTER
Nothing.
HAZEL
No, come on. What did you mean?
CARTER
Nevermind. Now, about the funeral--
HAZEL
No, come on!
CARTER
Sheproposedtome.
HAZEL
What?
CARTER
She proposed to me.
HAZEL
What?
CARTER
You heard me.
HAZEL
Get out of here.
CARTER
Hazel...
HAZEL
Did you say yes?
CARTER
This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you.
HAZEL
Obviously you said yes, otherwise you wouldn’t be planning a wedding. What did she do?
CARTER
Hazel...
HAZEL
No, you’re not getting out of this. How did she propose? No! I want details. Did she threaten you? ‘Marry me or I’ll knock you out?’
CARTER
This in a new century, Hazel. Women can propose if they want to. I know you don’t like Linda, but--
HAZEL
It’s not that I don’t like her. She just doesn’t match you.
CARTER
How so?
HAZEL
She’s unstable.
CARTER
No she’s not.
HAZEL
And she’s a bully.
CARTER
No she isn’t! You’re exaggerating things.
HAZEL
I am not! She’s a female boxer who uses her strength to bully people into doing what shewants them to.
CARTER
So there’s something wrong with being a female boxer? You’re some feminist.
HAZEL
This has nothing to do with feminism.
CARTER
You’re just jealous.
HAZEL
Please! Of that weirdo?
CARTER
She is not weird.
HAZEL
She liked to bench press my father.
CARTER
Your father liked it when she did that.
HAZEL
Who cares? She’s utterly unpredictable and quite possibly insane. And that may or may not have come from taking too many blows to the head in matches.
CARTER
I can’t wait to hear what you’re going to say about me.
HAZEL
You’re stable, reliable, loyal and dependable.
CARTER
Good to know I’m somewhere between a puppy and a station wagon.
HAZEL
That’s not what I meant.
CARTER
I’m done talking about this.
HAZEL
But you said yes?
CARTER
You know how she is.
CARTER sighs and sinks into his father’s chair.
CARTER
Maybe I need a drink.
He opens the cooler and there’s nothing in it. HAZEL hands over the bottle of wine.
HAZEL
Here.
CARTER
Thanks.
Beat while CARTER drinks.
HAZEL
I’m sorry I yelled at you.
CARTER
It’s okay.
HAZEL
No, it’s not.
CARTER
Hazel, really--
HAZEL
It was stupid--
CARTER
--Hazel--
HAZEL
And infantile--
CARTER
Hazel!
CARTER grabs her hand.
HAZEL
Yeah?
CARTER
Really, it’s okay. It’s not like we didn’t just both lose someone out of the blue.
HAZEL
True.
CARTER
Emotions get high and things can push us over the edge.
HAZEL
Yeah. What would I do without you?
CARTER
I don’t know. You’d be out here drinking by yourself and everyone knows that drinking alone is never a good thing.
HAZEL slugs him.
CARTER
Ow!
HAZEL
You know what I mean.
CARTER
Yeah I do.
CARTER pulls her to her feet and folds HAZEL into his arms.
Beat.
HAZEL looks up at CARTER and he brushes her hair out of her face. She smiles.
LINDA
(0ff stage) Carter? Carter, where are you?
HAZEL and CARTER jump apart. CARTER stands.
Enter LINDA.
LINDA
Oh, Carter!
LINDA throws herself into CARTER’S arms and sobs. She throws herself at him so hard he nearly falls over. She holds CARTER so tight he can barely breathe.
CARTER
Linda, what’s going on?
LINDA
First your father and now the Golden Glove...
LINDA is crying so hard it’s hard to understand her.
CARTER
Honey, stop crying. I can’t understand you.
LINDA
I didn’t get into the Golden Glove.
CARTER
Oh, honey.
LINDA
First your father, now this...we have to get married.
CARTER
We are.
LINDA
No, I mean now. We need to get married NOW.
CARTER
It’s 11:30 p.m.
LINDA
Then tomorrow. I might be able to wait until then.
CARTER
What’s gotten into you?
LINDA
What time does the court house open?
CARTER
I don’t know, honey, let’s--
LINDA
You’re a lawyer, you should know this. You only go there every day!
CARTER
Yes, but Linda, honey--
LINDA
We need to have a baby. Now.
CARTER
We do?
HAZEL stands.
HAZEL
I am definitely not required for this conversation.
HAZEL goes to leave.
LINDA
No, wait. You have to make it so that we can have the same wedding, just before the end of this week.
HAZEL AND CARTER
What?
LINDA
I want to get married and have a baby, and it needs to happen now. I need to do it before I die. I can’t not leave something behind, a legacy.
CARTER
But what about boxing and training--
LINDA
That can wait. Your father's death showed me that life is too short. We have to act, and the moment is now.
CARTER
Errr, well, Hazel’s dad died today as well.
HAZEL
What, um, yeah--
LINDA
Then you have to understand how important it is to leave a legacy.
HAZEL
Sure, but--
LINDA
Your biological clock must be keeping you up at night.
HAZEL
Excuse me?
LINDA
Don’t get me wrong, you look good for what? Thirty-five? Forty?
HAZEL
I’m sorry?
LINDA
What is it with you and Ryan anyway? You’ve been together twice as long as me and Carter.
HAZEL
Where do you get off--
LINDA
Hey, I’m just calling it like I see it.
HAZEL
This is none of your business and--
CARTER
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ladies, please, I don’t want the neighbors to call the police. We had enough of that when our Dads were alive. Let’s slow down for a second and let’s not--
LINDA
Are you saying you don’t want this?
CARTER
Don’t be ridiculous.
LINDA
Are you?
She balls her fists.
CARTER
No, I do. I do.
LINDA
That’s what I want to hear! Hazel?
HAZEL
I’m sorry, this just isn’t--
LINDA
Are you saying you won’t do this?
LINDA balls her fists tighter. HAZEL takes a step back.
HAZEL
No, not at all--
LINDA
Money is no object.
HAZEL
It’s not the money.
LINDA
Then what’s the freaking problem?
HAZEL
It’s just...there’s things...and...
HAZEL looks to CARTER for help but he just avoids her gaze.
LINDA
Good, then. It’s settled. Carter, don’t be out late.
LINDA hugs CARTER nearly to death and exits.
CARTER
I’m sorry.
HAZEL
You will be when you realize that she wants a year long planning process squeezed into a week.
CARTER
What did you expect me to say? She was balling her fists and--
HAZEL
I told you, she’s unstable.
CARTER
It just adds a little excitement, that’s all.
HAZEL
Is that what they’re calling it these days?
CARTER
This is too much.
HAZEL
Tell me about it.
CARTER flops into the chair. HAZEL stands behind CARTER and begins to rub his shoulders.
CARTER
It’s not like you weren’t intimidated by her balling her fists.
HAZEL
I know. She’s just so...Linda.
CARTER
Argh, oh, yeah. I think you might have missed your true calling.
HAZEL
You think?
CARTER
I’m getting goosebumps.
HAZEL
That’s good. I must be doing something right.
CARTER grabs HAZEL’S hand and pulls her close. HAZEL wraps her arms around CARTER and they close their eyes.
RYAN (O.S.)
Hazel? Are you here?
HAZEL and CARTER jump apart.
HAZEL
Out here.
Enter RYAN.
RYAN
I just heard. I came as soon as I could.
HAZEL
Yeah.
RYAN
I’m sorry.
HAZEL
Thank you.
RYAN
Can you imagine? Going to that restaurant, ordering the blowfish and watch eagerly as the chef prepares it. Hesitating after you take that first bite, letting the fish melt so sweetly on your tongue, swallowing and sitting back. Then the poisons begin to take over, a warm terrifying knowledge that your own death is mere minutes away. I couldn’t imagine.
HAZEL
Me either.
CARTER
Yeah, that’s a hard one.
RYAN
Oh, hey, Carter. Sorry for your loss as well.
CARTER
Thanks, man.
HAZEL
You didn’t rush that photo shoot, did you?
RYAN
No. Absolutely not. Even in the face of the death of your father, I am a professional.
HAZEL
Good. But it’s so late. You didn’t have to rush over here.
RYAN
How could I not be with you right now? This is only the worst time of your life. You’re an orphan now. You’re all alone, no family left, singular against the dark, cold, hateful world. It’s got to be hard.
HAZEL
Er, yeah. So hard I’m going to bed.
CARTER
Yeah, it’s been a long day.
RYAN
Why don’t we go inside and I can make you some tea before bed?
HAZEL
Why don’t you go put the kettle on? I’ll be in in a second.
RYAN nods and goes in the house.
HAZEL
Jeez.
CARTER
You can say that again.
HAZEL
Sometimes, I just wish he didn’t talk.
CARTER
I feel the same way about Linda.
HAZEL looks at her father’s chair for a moment and begins to hum ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’.
CARTER looks at her quizzically.
HAZEL begins to sing. CARTER watches her for a moment, puzzled and then it dawns on him.
HAZEL exits. CARTER watches her go inside and sighs and chugs the wine. Lights down.
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Michaeltw721
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| Joined: | Wed Mar 5th, 2008 |
| Location: | NYC, New York USA |
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Posted: Wed May 7th, 2008 03:00 pm |
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Howdy!
First off, I like this alot. I think the relationship is built up quickly and believeably.
My questions: What is Hazel and Carter's connection/background?
I was off put a bit by Ryan's entrance. His little bit about the blowfish really through me off and disrupted the scene for me. What is his occupation or were you aiming for?
Otherwise, great start.
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solarcirclegirl
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Conway, Arkansas USA |
| Posts: | 41 |
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Posted: Thu May 8th, 2008 01:58 pm |
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Thank you. You've given me some good things to think about. I will reply with something more indepth later today. Right now I am going to post another couple scenes.
:)
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