| Author | Post |
|---|
solarcirclegirl
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Conway, Arkansas USA |
| Posts: | 41 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Thu May 8th, 2008 02:00 pm |
|
SCENE 3
A dark stage. A beat. A pin prick of light focuses on the center of the stage. It gradually gets bigger and bigger. The stage is bare, white. Enter MARTIN GREGG. He stumbles toward the light.
MARTIN
What the Sam Hill? Hello?
The stage is engulfed in blinding light. MARTIN screams and ducks. When his and the audiences’ eyes adjust, we see two signs. The first is a sign pointing in many different directions with the names of different religions’ heavens written on them. The second says THE PEARLY GATES--PLEASE WIPE FEET BEFORE ENTERING HEAVEN.
MARTIN looks up, stunned.
MARTIN
What the hell is going on?
Enter JACK REYNOLDS, from the opposite direction.
JACK
Does this look like Hell to you?
MARTIN
Jack! What happened?
JACK
What does it look like? We’re dead.
MARTIN
What?
JACK
(yelling) I said, we’re dead!
MARTIN
You don’t have to yell, you ass, I’m not deaf.
JACK
We’re in heaven, we have to be dead.
MARTIN
This doesn’t look like heaven. What’s with that sign?
MARTIN points to the sign pointing in many directions.
JACK
Nevermind that one. This is the one that’s important.
JACK points at the Pearly Gates sign.
MARTIN
I don’t know about this.
JACK
(mimicking MARTIN) I don’t know about this, I don’t know about this. I’m Martin, I’m a weenie about everything, I don’t know about this!
MARTIN
Shut up. You’re just mad because you lost the bet.
JACK
What bet?
MARTIN
We made a bet to see who would die last. And I won. I died last.
JACK
When the hell did we do that?
MARTIN
I can’t believe you don’t remember. It was after we both were in the emergency room after eating too many hot peppers.
JACK
You ate too many hot peppers, you mean.
MARTIN
You did too. Why else were you in the emergency room too?
JACK
Moral support.
MARTIN
Bullpucky! Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I won! I died last.
JACK
How do you suppose you died first?
MARTIN
I was here first. You came in the only way in.
JACK
How do you know that was the only way in?
MARTIN
How could it not be?
JACK
This is heaven, you idiot. There’s got to be more than one was in. Besides, I saw you here before me. I found you. So I won.
MARTIN
No way, you were here first. I ate the blowfish first.
JACK
No way.
MARTIN
Yes I did.
JACK
We ate it at the same time.
MARTIN
No. You hesitated because you had to sneeze. I ate the poison first.
JACK
The paramedics kept you alive longer.
MARTIN
How would you know that if you were already dead?
JACK
I...err...the dead know everything as soon as they die!
MARTIN
Right. You’re not any smarter now than when you were alive. You might actually be dumber.
JACK
You’re just sore because I won.
MARTIN
Am not!
JACK
Are too!
MARTIN
Am not!
Enter ST. PETER, closing his cell phone. He watches them argue for a moment, amused.
JACK
Are too!
MARTIN
Am not!
JACK
Fine, let’s roshambo for the win.
MARTIN
Fine, but you’ll just suffer another defeat.
JACK and MARTIN do this for a couple beats, and they keep throwing out the same roshambo each time.
ST. PETER steps forward and throws in the last time and wins.
ST. PETER
Surprise, surprise. Neither of you won.
JACK
Who the hell are you?
ST. PETER
Why don’t you bet on who I am?
JACK
All right. What’s the wager?
ST. PETER
You’ll find out what’s going to happen to you both now that you died.
MARTIN
Doesn’t somebody have to tell us anyway?
ST. PETER
Not necessarily. You could be left outside the gate for all eternity.
MARTIN
No way. Heaven’s not like that. You can’t just leave deserving souls out in the cold.
ST. PETER
What can I say? Heaven’s a crazy place.
MARTIN
This has got to be a joke.
JACK
Does he look like he’s joking? All right. You’re on.
MARTIN
Jack!
JACK
Don’t be such a wuss.
ST. PETER
Accepted. All right, gentleman, who am I?
MARTIN
I’d say an angel.
JACK
Duh. We are in Heaven.
MARTIN
All right, smartass, who do you bet he is?
JACK
St. Peter.
ST. PETER
Is that your final answer?
JACK
Yeah.
JACK elbows MARTIN, who is deliberating.
MARTIN
All right, yes.
ST. PETER
Jack Reynolds, aged 55, three months, four days and 4 and one quarter hours, you are right.
JACK
Yes! You’re a loser, Gregg! Ha ha!
ST. PETER
Actually you both win. I am an angel, but you were more precise.
MARTIN
Ha!
JACK
Shut your cakehole. So, are you going to tell us what is going to happen?
ST. PETER
Oh, yes. You’re not getting into heaven.
JACK AND MARTIN
What?
ST. PETER
Yet. Possibly not at all.
JACK
Listen here, featherbrain, you better start talking now or--
MARTIN cuts him off.
MARTIN
Jack, Jack! Calm down. I’m sorry, Mr. St. Peter, he doesn’t mean it.
JACK
Yes, I do! He’s trying to take away our earned paradise!
MARTIN
Forgive him, he’s a hothead sometimes.
JACK
I’ll show him hothead. Let me at him! I’ll clean his clock!
MARTIN struggles to hold JACK back. ST. PETER is amused.
ST. PETER
It’s all right, Martin. Don’t worry. Jack, if you wouldn’t mind calming down for one moment while I explain, it will make sense.
JACK
Fine. But if I don’t like what’s going on I’ll take you out.
ST. PETER
Now, you two have a chance to get into Heaven and see your wives again.
JACK
Delia is here?
MARTIN
And Christy?
JACK
Where are they?
MARTIN and JACK fall all over each other trying to get past ST. PETER. He holds them back.
ST. PETER
In good time, gentlemen, in good time. Now, in order for you to see your wives again and get into the eternal paradise, you have to complete a small wager that God has put forth for you.
JACK
All right, what’s that?
ST. PETER
Your children are supposed to be together. They are supposed to get married and have children and one of those children will be the Messiah.
JACK AND MARTIN
What?
ST. PETER
Just kidding. At least about the Messiah part. I love that! Gets ‘em every time.
JACK
Listen here, angel boy, you better start explaining.
ST. PETER
Your mission is to get your kids to realize they’re supposed to be together by a week from today at 9 a.m.
MARTIN
You’re kidding.
JACK
Does he look like he’s the kidding kind of fella?
MARTIN
Why the time limit?
ST. PETER
It wouldn’t make it very dramatic if you had all of eternity. And, I shouldn’t be telling you this but, Carter and Linda will be getting married in seven days at 9 a.m.
MARTIN
WHAT? I can’t believe he would propose to that...that...muscle-bound--
JACK
Martin, now, be polite. She’s going to be your daughter-in-law.
MARTIN
No.
JACK
The mother of your grandchildren.
MARTIN
Absolutely not if I have anything to do with it.
ST. PETER
Just so you know, Martin, he didn’t propose to her. She proposed to him. If you want to call it a proposal.
MARTIN
That’s a small relief, but for the love of God, I told him to stay away from female boxers. I always told him that if a woman was physically stronger than the man, then--
JACK
Martin, you and your outdated ways of thinking.
MARTIN
And, you, you Cro-Magnon, you’ve never helped the situation. Letting her bench press you all the time.
JACK
Like I had any choice.
JACK
Okay, let me see if I have this straight. If we are able to get Hazel and Carter to realize they should be together , we get reunited with our wives and we live happily in paradise forever?
ST. PETER
Yes.
JACK
All right, we’re in.
MARTIN
Jack!
JACK
What?
MARTIN
(to ST. PETER) Would you excuse us?
ST. PETER
Certainly.
MARTIN pulls JACK away from ST. PETER.
JACK
Just what are you doing?
MARTIN
This is the ultimate bet.
JACK
And?
MARTIN
There’s real consequences if you lose.
JACK
As if there weren’t before? We died as a result of a bet!
MARTIN
Yeah, and it was your stupid idea.
JACK
It wasn’t stupid! That sushi chef is the one who’s suffering now. That’s part of the thrill of betting and daring each other to do things.
MARTIN
This is different.
JACK
How?
MARTIN
Our eternal life is at stake! Not to mention seeing our wives again.
JACK
You are not chickening out on this.
MARTIN
I’m not.
JACK
You lily-livered--
MARTIN
Shut up.
JACK
How long have we been wanting to have our children get together?
ST. PETER
33 years, three months and two and three quarters days.
MARTIN
Do you mind? (to JACK) We could lose it all if we lose.
JACK
(to ST. PETER) Hey, what happens if we lose?
ST. PETER
You get to suffer eternally in Hell.
MARTIN
See?
JACK
Shut up. I’m thinking.
MARTIN
What if we don’t agree to do this?
ST. PETER
You go to Purgatory.
JACK
Shoot, that doesn’t sound too bad.
MARTIN
That’s because you’re a relapsed Catholic.
JACK
But in Purgatory we get to work our way out, if I remember correctly.
ST. PETER
That’s normally correct, except knowing your records, both of you would have to start at the bottom of Purgatory and work your way up.
JACK
How long could that possibly take?
MARTIN
Forever.
ST. PETER
Literally.
JACK
See, we have no choice. We have to take this challenge.
MARTIN
I just don’t know.
JACK
We have to.
MARTIN
Jack...
JACK
Don’t whine at me, sissy.
MARTIN
I’m not being a sissy. I resent you saying that.
JACK
Yes you are! Do you want Carter to marry someone like Linda?
MARTIN
I thought you liked Linda.
JACK
I like to look at her, but beyond that, no, I don’t like her. I want Carter to be with Hazel as much as you do.
MARTIN
You’re right.
JACK
Damn straight. If we can work together, we can win this bet.
MARTIN
I hope we can.
JACK
I know we can. Think of the bragging rights! We would be able to tell everyone we gambled against God and won!
MARTIN and JACK go back to ST. PETER.
JACK
Okay, we’ll take the bet.
ST. PETER
Deal?
JACK
Deal.
JACK enthusiastically shakes ST. PETER’S hand. MARTIN hesitates and then shakes his hand, with noticeably less enthusiasm. MARTIN immediately starts to bite his knuckle.
ST. PETER
All right, off you go then. Good luck.
MARTIN
Wait a second.
JACK
What now, chicken?
MARTIN
Our kids are already in love.
JACK
You’re right. They are.
They both turn to ST. PETER.
ST. PETER
They don’t know it, though. That’s where you come in.
MARTIN
How are we supposed to make them realize they’re in love?
ST. PETER
That’s for God to know and you to find out. See you!
As they disappear we hear MARTIN screaming. Beat.
ST. PETER
Are you there?
VOICE OF GOD
Always.
ST. PETER
You’re hilarious.
VOICE OF GOD
Excellent work.
ST. PETER
Now what?
VOICE OF GOD
Leave it all to me, I have a plan.
ST. PETER sighs.
VOICE OF GOD
You don’t have to sigh at me.
ST. PETER sighs again, this time larger and more exaggerated.
VOICE OF GOD
He’s the best when it comes to bets. He’s creative with them and always thinks he’s going to win.
ST. PETER
He could this time.
VOICE OF GOD
Nah. I don’t think so.
ST. PETER
And Siriel. Tisk.
VOICE OF GOD
Listen, Pete, I don’t pay you to be my conscience.
ST. PETER
But Siriel was Satan’s lead angel in the fall.
VOICE OF GOD
I have my reasons. Now do the job I pay you to do.
ST. PETER
Yes, God.
VOICE OF GOD
Now, let’s see how this unfolds.
ST. PETER parts a hole in the clouds and peers down at the earth as the lights go down.
|
Michaeltw721
Member
| Joined: | Wed Mar 5th, 2008 |
| Location: | NYC, New York USA |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue May 13th, 2008 06:48 pm |
|
I like this chapter too. It definitely sets the mood and moves along the celestial theme you started in scene 2. I liked that I could envision the two father's rather readily (almost Lemmon/Matthau-ish).
My only thought with them, would be to establish a bit more of a dynamic personality difference. it seems they're the spitting image of each other - brash, stubborn, and it comes out a little bit when they start to interact with Peter.
More. More!
|
Current time is 05:10 pm | |
|
|
|
