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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Poem > repeat

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 Posted: Wed Jul 7th, 2010 02:24 am
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sammyt035
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Joined: Tue Jul 6th, 2010
Location: Tampa
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Mana: 
Laying in bed freezing, under only a sheet

My quilt has been absent for over 2 weeks

No longer taunted by the screen door creaks

My quilt sits at threshold to cease noise leaks

Why aren’t I asleep? Could my resolve be a cheat?

Up out of bed in route to reclaim my heat

I find the quilt dirty, doing its job at my feet

back in my bed, quilt wrapped nice and neat

finally warm, then the old door speaks

a familiar message, a neglected beat

if those taunts don’t subside, no way to turn cheek

Ill rip off your hinges and teach you to screech!

Up once again, freezing outside of my sheet

To the door where my anger, starts a violent beat

At last hinges busted, the door flat and neat

I’ve ended this bothersome, torturous streak

Back in bed warming, under quilt plus my sheet

Content and smiling, more than halfway to sleep

When an owl flies in, perched right at my feet

Could it be this whole time? The door caused his retreat?

The hoots bellow out, a truly pestering feat

I’ll muffle his beak with my quilt, and then start counting sheep

after all of this work, tell me, how could it be?

im laying in bed freezing, under only a sheet

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 Posted: Sun Jul 11th, 2010 05:08 pm
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
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Mana: 
This has a nice cadence about it...would enjoy listening to it in the author's voice.

A bit too much of the same end sounds for my taste, but the rhythm saves the rhyme (so to speak). I suspect the image of sheep counting plays into the beat, and that's handled nicely. I also like the owl flying in ala Poe's "The Raven."

I guess my only other thought would be...why would you wait two weeks to find a warmer blanket?

timmy

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