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Basso
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Posted: Sat May 17th, 2008 08:52 pm |
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Does anyone have experience in writing a one-sided telepone conversation.
I thought that the following might work, but it doesn't seem quite clear. What do you think?
Ex.Hello...oh, hello, Madge, how are you?...I'm fine, too....No, I'm not busy....Of course, I would love to come for coffee....Er, uhm, no I didn't know my dog has been pooping in your yard....I should bring my shovel with me?...Oh, that really is the limit, Madge.
(hangs up phone slowly)
What...a...bitch.
After hanging up the phone, do the dots make sense, as now I would want them to indicate that she is speaking with a pause after each word?
Thanks,
Basso
Last edited on Sat May 17th, 2008 08:56 pm by Basso
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lauragoodin
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Posted: Sun May 18th, 2008 09:15 am |
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| You probably don't need the dots between each sentence in her side of the conversation; the actor and/or the director should be able to figure that sort of thing out. That makes the pauses in the last line more clear. If you even need the last line. The actor might very well be able to communicate her disgust with the other person without saying what, after all, is only the expected phrase.
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Basso
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Posted: Sun May 18th, 2008 12:56 pm |
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Thank you, Laura. The dialogue is something I made up as I typed the post, it isn't the actual dialogue of my play. I threw the last line in just to give a scenario of one wanting to you use dots in two different ways.
Thanks, again. :)
Basso
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spiny norman
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Posted: Mon May 19th, 2008 07:16 pm |
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i think the the real challenge in phone converstaions is to not make it sound too exposition-y. many writers fall into this trap & the "conversation" sounds more like the author saying, "here's info i want the audience to have" rather than "here is what the character would say in a real phone conversation."
it's the same thing with scenes with news reports in movies. they never sound like real news reports at all. there's a great spoof of this in stoppard's "the real inspector hound." every time someone turns on the radio, there is a police message that just happens to give critical info to the audience & characters!
so when your character says:
No, I'm not busy....Of course, I would love to come for coffee...
i'm assuming the person on the other end of the line said:
are you busy? would you like to come over for coffee?
& i don't think your character would repeat the whole thing back to the caller:
are you busy? no, i'm not busy.
would you like to come for coffee? i would love to come for coffee.
they would probably have said:
no, just doing some dusting. sure, that sounds great, give me
a minute to put on a clean shirt & i'll be right over. can i bring
anything? i think i have a few sticky buns left from breakfast.
or whatever. so you know what the unheard person said but it's not quite so obvious.
i realize that you just made that speech up as an example & wanted to know the mechanics of writing it but thought i'd throw this advice in anyway. it's a pet peeve of mine! exposition, exposition, exposition!
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Basso
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Posted: Mon May 19th, 2008 08:05 pm |
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Excellent point, Spiny. I also dislike it when writers editorialize. I suppose I should have just put in the dialogue that I have written for my play...I'm just not ready to share yet.
Basso
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katoagogo
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 05:11 am |
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The best one-sided telephone convo I have ever seen was in LUCY AND THE CONQUEST by Cusi Cram. Wow. It still makes me laugh a little.
Many more times than not, however, telephone convo is one of the most boring devices. Uhg. The only convention more more frequently disastrous is having the characters play charades.
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Basso
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 11:38 am |
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 Damn, the next act was going to be charades. :o Back to the drawing board I guess. :(
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Luana Krause
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 04:31 pm |
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I think you definitely need the ellipses for pauses. As for the end, how about:
What. A. Bitch.
I agree that a phone conversation is no place for exposition. The best use of a one-sided phone conversation is to develop the character and/or move the story forward.
Luana
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