View single post by Paddy
 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 01:53 pm
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Paddy



Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Kitchener, Ontario Canada
Posts: 2810
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Eddie.

I don't think the ending is too one in a million.  I think life often happens that way.  I do, think the story is lovely and sweet.  I love the begining her....no patience, potty mouth.  And I do think you have some tweaking to do here.  The earlier phone conversations feel awkward as Rita scrambles to let the audience know what the person on the other end said.  Why not have them there, like Justine?  Why not have a spot go up on the other people on the phone?

I had an issue with the names being the same.  Trying to imagine this red haired Scottish man calling his girl Justine.  I also had issue with the locket...not because I thought it was gimicky...which it is...but who cares, I am very sure that this girl would have known by heart what the note in the locket said.  Every word, every slanted letter and crossed 't'.  I also felt it went very quickly from when she realizes to when Justine launches into I wanted to keep you.  I think I needed to feel a stronger, longer moment there.

Still, this is a lovely story, one that should have tears flowing.

Hope this helps.

Paddy