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 Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 11:06 pm
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Joined: Tue Oct 3rd, 2006
Location: Wisconsin USA
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This play began when a producer asked me to write an erotic comedy that was " OH! CALCUTTA!, only erotic instead of weird.  Admittedly, that musical is getting pretty dated, but I still couldn't resist turning this into a bawdy comedy. 

So, we have two characters, Johdell Lovelien and Thomas Pankratz, both in their late 20's, and this clipping starts about 30 minutes into what will be a 90 minutes one-acter.

All sorts of revisions to do, for now, this is scheduled for a February 2009 production.  All comments welcome.  Do read the hold thing, don't just jump to the dirty parts.



 He’s a pig.  She wants pork.


THOMASJohdell, what do you want?

JOHDELL: I told you, an explanation.


JOHDELL:  Well, there you have it.  Why didn’t you say anything to me?

THOMAS:   What would I have said to you?  You’re not like that.

JOHDELL:  Like what?

THOMAS:  Like the other girls. 

JOHDELL:  How so?

THOMAS:  I mean…you know, messing around with us like that.   The other girls give it back to us as good as they get, they joke around, get a kick out of it.  They get as drunk with us, get as wild with us, go skinny-dippping, on road trips, you don’t do any of that.  You would never do any of that.  Johdell, you’re square.

JOHDELL:  Square?!

THOMAS:  Well, yeah.  Square.  You know, the other girls, the ones that hang with us…we’re always teasing each other, wrestling, joking around.  You’re not like that.

JOHDELL:  How do you know what I’m like?  We’ve known each other since second grade, and you’ve never once said a word to me!

THOMAS:  I guess I haven’t.

JOHDELL:  So I’ve got my explanation.  Square.  I’m square.

THOMAS:  Yeah, well…sorry to say that.  I dunno…maybe, I just thought of you as one of the guys in that…

JOHDELL:  Oh boy, Square AND one of the guys.  I’m female, at a beer party, surrounded by your friends who bill themselves as the horniest men on earth, find myself right next to you who never think with anything but your dick, but unlike every other creature in existence with two legs and two boobs, get singled out to be ignored because I’m “one of the guys”.  Do you have any idea what an insult that is?

THOMAS:  I guess.  Sorry if it bothers you, but…what was I supposed to think?  You always hung out with Elizabeth and Trudi, your other…square friends, and I always figured…no, never mind.

JOHDELL:  No, tell me.

THOMAS :  Johdell, we have nothing in common.  There’s no reason for us to get to know each other. you’re always so prim and uptight.  And judgmental, don’t want you cramping our style…

JOHDELL:  When did I ever judge you?

THOMAS:  Well, you kinda did just now, at least implied it.  You certainly don’t seem to like hanging with us.  And also…I mean, come on, you must know what I expect from a girl!  And let’s face it, with you…wait a minute, skip that.

JOHDELL:  No, go on.  Don’t start sparing my feelings now; there’s not much left to spare.  What else did you think of me?

THOMAS:  It just seems obvious that if you had a naked boy in your hands, you wouldn’t have a clue what to do with him.

JOHDELL:  You think that of me.

THOMAS:  I never really think of you at all.

JOHDELL:  That makes me feel SO much better!

THOMAS:  What would you care what I think about you?  You never looked at us, at me, as being anything more than a bunch of Neanderthals. 

JOHDELL:  If that’s true, and it is, what made you think I don’t like Neanderthals?

THOMAS:  Ba, beh, eh, I don’t know!  Why would you like Neanderthals?  And I’m not a Neanderthal…well, maybe I am, I just said…you’ve got me pretty messed up here. 

JOHDELL:  Didn’t mean to confuse you.  Not that it’s difficult. 

THOMAS:  And there you have it, you obviously look down on me…Little Miss Judgmental, feeling so superior to the lower forms of life, so what would you care what I think?

JOHDELL:  I was just bothered that you looked right through me that way. 

THOMAS:  I guess I’ve always done that.

JOHDELL:  I know, and I never liked it.  Whatever you think I think of you, do you think I like being ignored?  And it was a LOT more than just being ignored, don’t you tell me about looking down on people as lower forms of life!  Do you remember the look you gave me when you ignored me tonight?  Right down your nose?  And did I detect the hint of a sneer?

THOMAS:   Maybe. 

JOHDELL:  And you feel good about that?

THOMAS:  Well, no.  Or, maybe…look, Johdell, what is the reason you go to these parties?  Where you KNOW that you’re going to be around “Neanderthals” like us?  Why else would you go there except to have fun spoiling our fun?

JOHDELLHave I EVER done that?

THOMAS:  You give us those “looks”.

JOHDELL:  And what do those “looks” mean?

THOMAS:  They mean you think we’re pigs…I clearly heard your friend Trudi once say that we weren’t fit to be out…

JOHDELL:  That was Trudi!

THOMAS:  Well, you hang out with her.

JOHDELL:  I hate going to parties alone.  Even if I did agree with her, which I don’t, does that give you the right to sneer down your nose and stare right through me?  Thomas, after all this time, have you even noticed that I’m a girl?

THOMAS:  No.  I mean YES, yes, I’ve noticed you’re a girl, but I’m mean no, I never looked at you that way.  I mean…this has been this way forever, you remember in grade school, you’d just sit there and give me the “look”, whenever we were goofing around, like you were our mommy glaring at us. And in high school.  And after, the few times you’d show up at a party, which always surprised me, because I could never figure out what you were doing at those parties.  You’d never mess around with us, you were always just over in some corner, watching us with your friends, checking up on us I guess.  And that was, you know, just the way it has always been. 

JOHDELL:  As it was, so it shall be.  Seven years out of high school, and nothing’s changed.

THOMAS:  Not that I can see.  You’re just the way you were then, being square with square people.  If that makes you happy, fine, but why judge us?

JOHDELL:  Again, I’m not judging at all!  It’s not the way you act, it’s the way you act towards me!  If I do “square” things with “square” people… (thinks)…hey, wait a minute, again, who’s judging who?  If I like books, and don’t dress like a slut, and prefer somewhat quieter and more dignified conversations, that automatically makes me a write-off as far as you and your friends are concerned?  Some “square” chick doomed to be ignored and held in contempt?  A waste of time, not worth talking to?

THOMAS:  You wouldn’t have liked anything I would have said.

JOHDELL:  You seem pretty certain of that.  What would you have said?


JOHDELL:  To me.  At the party.  If I wasn’t square.  If I was a girl, instead of one of the guys. 

THOMAS:  You’re a girl Johdell, I’m not blind.

JOHDELL:  Then what would you have said to me?  The next “girl” in line, after Georgia?

THOMAS:  I dunno.

JOHDELL:  Would you have suggested working on my car so I could yank your crank?  Taking flying lessons so you could join me in the cockpit and teach me how to use the joystick?

THOMAS:  Maybe.

JOHDELL:  That maybe we should join the Army together so that you could inspect my privates?


 JOHDELL:  Would you have said you wanted to see me with my boobs hanging down?

THOMAS:  I dunno.  Maybe something like that.

JOHDELL:  Just what I like to hear from a man of action.  A firm “maybe”.  Tell me Thomas, if you had said that to me, would you have even meant it? 

THOMAS:  Meant it?

JOHDELL:  Yes, meant it.  When you tell a girl you want to see her with her boobs hanging down, do you actually want to see that?  Or, are you just showing off in front of your friends?  OR, just giving a girl a hard time because you think she’s “square”? It’s a question of your motivations Thomas, when you pull these stunts, what do you mean?  Are you being serious?  CAN you be serious?

THOMAS:  What?

JOHDELL:  What?  Twat?  Twat did I say?  Cunt you hear me?  Remember that one, repeated ad nauseum by you at every opportunity?

THOMAS:  Jeez…

JOHDELL:  Just concentrate and try to answer a straight question.  If you had said something to me tonight, what would it have been?

THOMAS:  I dunno…

JOHDELL:  I’m getting the impression you’re scared!  Don’t be scared Thomas, square girls don’t bite.  Tell me, would you have asked me to dangle my boobs in front of you?

THOMAS:  I dunno.

 JOHDELL:  You said it to Georgia.

THOMAS:  Well, Georgia, she’s always got those halter tops on…likes to show off.  (grins).  Hard not to think of two big reasons to want to see something like that from her.

JOHDELL:  Two very big reasons indeed, and from her.

THOMAS:  Well, yeah.

JOHDELL:  But not from me.

THOMAS:  I can’t imagine it.

JOHDELL:  Can’t imagine it? It’s impossible for you to imagine a girl with her shirt off?

THOMAS:  Of course not, just you.  Come on Johdell, you’re not the kind to go around showing any skin.  (Turns his back on her, maybe looks out a window or something).  Your square friends would kick you out of the club!    (As Thomas talks, Johdell takes off her jacket, lays it over a chair.  Thomas continues to talk, his back to Johdell, who unbuttons her blouse, first the sleeves, then the front, takes it off and lays it over the jacketA lot of the girls, like Georgia especially, have a lot of exhibitionist impulses, and I’m not about to stop them.  You can’t understand it, but they get a thrill out of it, and what of it?  I’m not going to stop looking, OR encouraging them in my own “subtle” way, maybe even corrupting them a little by giving them some ideas.  (Turns around)  I’m mean, I’m not a homo…whoops, excuse me, I’m sure you prefer gay, obviously, and I’m not going….(It took a second, but notices Johdell in her bra).  Huh?!


THOMAS:  What are you doing?

JOHDELL:  You said you couldn’t imagine it.


JOHDELL:  (Preens her hair back so Thomas can get a good look) Can you imagine it now?

THOMAS:  What?

JOHDELL:  (With flabbergasted frustrationMe with my boobs hanging down!

THOMAS:  Yours?  You mean…bare?

JOHDELL:  Yes mine, and no, I mean with smiley faces painted on them, of course bare!  Does this stimulate your imagination?  Bring the vision into focus?

THOMAS:  I dunno.

JOHDELL:  You don’t know?  Try to answer a simple question, can you imagine a square girl with her boobs hanging down?

THOMAS:  Umm…well…you know.  I…it’s like…

JOHDELL:  Like you can’t imagine something until you actually see it?  Is that what I’m going to have to do?

THOMAS:  Like…it could happen I suppose…never really thought of it…

JOHDELL:  I guess that’s as close as I’ll get to a yes!   (Johdell reaches behind her back, undoes her bra)   Honest to God, you are SO dense.   (She  slips it off, holds it in front, temporarily hiding her breastsIt’s bad enough you can’t imagine it, but when you’re given a clue like that and you STILL can’t give me an answer, I have to wonder, right?    (She turns her back to Thomas, lays the bra on top of her blouse)   Such as I’d be wondering if you had ever even seen a pair of boobs, except I remember that party two years ago when Cynthia Stertz got drunk and flashed you boys, and you all started cheering, (circles her arm) Whoo! Whoo!  Whoo!    (Turns around, her arms covering her breasts)   So I know you’ve seen at least one pair for real, and you’d think that would be enough, but I guess some people are just imagination-challenged.  So.  Now.  Cheer this.   (Johdell reaches up and preens her hair, giving Thomas a good look at her boobs, and he is looking).  Like that right?  


JOHDELL:  No wait, that’s right, they have to be hanging down.   ( Johdell bends over, her hands on top of her head, letting her breasts hang down ).    There you go Thomas.  A square girl’s boobs, hanging down, swaying back and forth.  Can you just imagine it?  Nice pink nips at the end?  Jiggling like pudding, squeezeably soft?  No comment?  I overheard you once saying that this was the best way to hypnotize a guy, is it working?   (Sways her boobs back and forth while humming the Indian Snake Charmer song.  Thomas just looks, puzzled.  Johdell straighten’s up and covers her breasts)  I’m sorry.

THOMAS:  About what?

JOHDELL:  I really thought this was what you wanted.


JOHDELL:  Because that’s what you always said!

THOMAS:  I was just kidding around.

JOHDELL:  Kidding around?  Kidding around?  You go up to girls and proposition them in front of everybody in the most lewd and direct way you can think of, and you’re just kidding around?


JOHDELL:  You know, this is what I’ve always suspected.  All that big talk, passing yourself off as the big stud, God’s gift to a woman’s carnal needs, but once you’re called on it, it’s all talk, no action.  You know, I’ve never even seen you hold hands with a girl?  Not you, not any of your friends.  Thomas.  (No response)  Thomas!

THOMAS:  What?

JOHDELL:  All talk, no action?  Is that really the way it is?

THOMAS:  Well…no.  No!  I’ve had action!


THOMAS:  You know.  Back in college.  Girlfriends.  You remember that girl from work I dated for awhile…wait a minute, you don’t know her.  And then there was…no, you didn’t know her either…

JOHDELL:  (Puts her hands on her hips, strikes a pose that thrusts her bare boobs out at Thomas, and then, triumphantly…)   If you had a naked girl in your hands, would you have a clue what to do with her?

THOMAS:  Yeah!


THOMAS:  I…you know.

JOHDELL:  I do know.  Do you?


JOHDELL:  Forgive me for wondering, but here I am showing you what you always say you want to see - nice soft tits, hanging down, just what you ordered. (She again leans over and lets her boobs flop from side to side).  But the reaction, or should I say lack of reaction, is a little puzzling.  This is what gets you excited, right?

THOMAS:  I guess.

JOHDELL:  You guess, but you’re not sure?  You’re not sure if you’re excited or not?  That’s hard to believe.  Or, you just don’t like it when a square girl does it?

THOMAS:  I like it.

JOHDELL:  But no cheers, like Cynthia got? (fakes a pouty petulance) I can only conclude that you don’t like my boobs.

THOMAS:  I like them fine, you have nice tits…um, boobs, breasts…

JOHDELL:  You don’t have to be polite for my sake, I know all the words.  I’ll even accept jugs.

THOMAS:  Yeah, jugs, hooters, headlights, but what I meant was…I don’t know what I meant, I don’t even know how we got here.  This is all a big surprise, I mean the way you dress…

JOHDELL:  The way I dress?  The way I dress?  Don’t tell me.  I dress…square?

THOMAS:  Well…

JOHDELL:  I have a responsible job you know.  Back in school, my parents wouldn’t have let me wear anything wild.  And I wouldn’t have wanted to, I like nice clothes, they make me feel good, why would I wear some grungy thing, and can’t a girl be subtle?  And supposedly you and your friends are experts at undressing a girl with your eyes, I heard you saying that to a girl while clearly undressing her with your eyes, just to watch her squirm while she worried and wondered at what you were seeing!   But with me, what?  Square clothes block your x-ray vision?  OR, you just need a naked picture of me?  While doing it?  To make sure that you got it right, first checking the pic, then checking me, “did I get that right…?”


JOHDELL:   Why do men always act like they have secondary sex organs in their eyes?

THOMAS:  I dunno.

JOHDELL:  Because they do. 


JOHDELL:  And yours are obviously in exceptional working order, but you can’t see through my clothes to the girl underneath?  All because the way I dress is square?

THOMAS: I guess.

JOHDELL:  Then how about the way I undress?  (She reaches for her belt)

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 Posted: Fri Mar 14th, 2008 04:41 pm
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Joined: Mon Mar 10th, 2008
Location: NYC, USA
Posts: 18
Hey Kenact, I like what you have here.  You have a good sense of conversational dialogue.  In a way it reminded me of some of the conversations I’ve had with women.  Not really knowing what went before, makes it difficult to comment on this but one thing comes to mind.  You have to clearly define whether Johdell is or isn’t a square from the very beginning.  If Johdell really is a square, she’d be hurt and making the argument to Thomas that good girls really have more to offer than the types of girls Thomas and his friends hang out with.  Also, if she is a square, why would anyone invite her to these parties?  On the other hand if she’s not a square, and I don’t think she is, she could still be hurt by Thomas’ behavior.  In which case and so fuck with his head from the minute he declares her square.  She should start off pushing him to admit he’s not as hip as he thinks and telling him things about her that he didn’t know that would shock him.  I don’t think it’s necessary for her to take off her clothes.  I don’t know if this helps in any way but it’s a thought


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 Posted: Fri Mar 14th, 2008 05:55 pm
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Joined: Fri Feb 29th, 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 119
Do read the hold thing, don't just jump to the dirty parts.
Are you being funny?


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