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 Posted: Fri Dec 17th, 2010 01:37 am
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darkeithlofton
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Joined: Thu Dec 16th, 2010
Location: Charleston, Illinois USA
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After-Live

by Dar'Keith Lofton

Copyright 2010


Cast

JOE: Astryd's boyfriend. Male, late 20's to early 30's.

ASTRYD: - Joe's girlfriend. Female, late 20's to early 30's. 

GOD- male, between 40 and 60.

LUCIFER- female, between 30 and 50.

GABRIELLE- female angel, mid 20's or older.

MICHAEL- male angel, mid 20's or older.

LITTLE GIRL- between 9 and 14 years-old.

RICHARD- male soul in Heaven, early 20's to mid 30's

REESE- male soul in Hell,  late 40's or older.

Setting

Act 1: A coffee shop in Heaven

Act 2: A pub in Hell


ACT I

Curtain goes up. Everything is dark except DS, where the lighting resembles starlight. Enter JOE and ASTRYD, a young couple. Dressed as if out on a date, JOE is dressed a bit more plain (think "Mormons"). ASTRYD is dragging JOE along.

JOE

Babe, what's going on?

ASTRYD

Joe, you need to relax a little.

JOE

Well how can I? Here I am trying to take my lady out for her birthday. A romantic film, dinner at her favorite restaurant, and to top things off we finally have a chance to go out dancing like we used to and what happens? She insists on paying for everything herself!

ASTRYD

(laughs)

Kind of defies the laws of both dating and birthdays, huh?

JOE

I can slowly feel my testicles disappearing.

ASTRYD

(kisses him)

Do you trust me?

JOE

(confused)

Astryd, what are you--

ASTRYD

(repeats the question)

Do you trust me?

JOE

Well, yes, but--

ASTRYD

Do you love me?

JOE

Of course I do. Listen, we really need to get going so we can get to the ballroom. Hey! I recognize this place. This is the park where we had our first kiss.

ASTRYD

Right under the stars. Joe, there's a reason I brought you here tonight.

JOE

(Hypnotized by her beautiful gaze.)

A method to your madness?

ASTRYD

Yes. And now I have one more question for you.

JOE

(Notices something in the sky.)

What in the world is that?

ASTRYD

(Still looking at Joe)

Huh? Oh wow! Honey, is that a shooting star?

JOE

I don't think so. It kinda looks like a fireball.

ASTRYD

I bet it's a meteor. How awesome is that? And on my birthday too! But what if it crashes into someone's house or something?

JOE

Nothing to worry about. It seems to be headed for that unpopulated area over there.

ASTRYD

How unusually convenient. Good thing it's not headed this way.

JOE

Yeah.

(Pause. Their eyes widen and they step back, in shock. )

ASTRYD

What in the world?!

JOE

Did that meteor just do a U-turn?!



An approaching sonic boom sound effect is heard, starlight fades into a bright light, getting brighter and brighter.



ASTRYD

That defies the laws of physics!

JOE

If Newton and Einstein were alive today, they would both have dropped dead at seeing this. Oh my God, it's headed straight for us!

ASTRYD

Joe!

JOE

(Holds ASTRYD in a protective embrace. They both close their eyes, screaming. The sonic boom and bright light slowly fade away, but they are still screaming. They stop and take a peek.)



The lights come up to reveal a coffee shop. Somewhere along the wall is a sign that reads "El Cielo Cafe". The LITTLE GIRL is seated at a table. She finishes her drink, belches, places the cup on the counter, waves to the audience, and exits.


ASTRYD

(Looks up)

Did it hit us? I didn't hear an explosion.



From behind the counter, a barrista, RICHARD, appears. He is wearing an apron over his clothing and a cap.

RICHARD

Oh it hit you all right. Of course, the impact of being struck by a meteor traveling at more than a million cock-tillion miles per hour vaporized your earlobes, thus making you both unable to hear the explosion.

ASTRYD

What?!

RICHARD

Actually your eyes were also vaporized, making it impossible to see anything either.

JOE

What?!

RICHARD

Actually your entire bodies were vaporized.

JOE AND ASTRYD

What happened to us?!

RICHARD


You're fucking dead, is what I'm trying to say, basically.

JOE

But that's impossible, I mean... well, okay, but what about the big bright light at the end of the tunnel? And being greeted by our loved ones?

RICHARD

All a bunch of bullshit. Well, I mean in your case there was a bright light. A bright light in the form of a big fucking fireball that vaporized you into dust. You just didn't see it because you were busy closing your eyes and screaming like a couple of banged pussies.

ASTRYD

And about meeting our loved ones?

RICHARD

Nope, you just pretty much wake up in a shit hole of a coffee shop. Oh, I forgot my schick. (Clears throat) Welcome to El Cielo Cafe. My name is Richard. May I interest you in a coffee?

JOE AND ASTRYD

(confused)

RICHARD

It's free, a fresh fucking aroma of heavenly god-damned goodness.

JOE

Um, okay, sure. I'll have a Super Mocha Late with whipped cream and two shots of espresso.


RICHARD

Coffee it is.

A woman, Gabrielle, enters. This is the female version of the archangel Gabriel, the messenger of God. Her attire is similar to a 1930's journalist (think "Edward Murrow"), with a feminine flair.

GABRIELLE

Extra, extra! Read all about it. Virgin couple dies! It was on the female's birthday. Must make important decision!

RICHARD

Virgin couple?!

JOE AND ASTRYD

(ad lib)

Well, uh.. You see, um.

GABRIELLE

An important decision that will greatly affect their after-lives.

ASTRYD

What is she talking about?

RICHARD

Joe and Astryd, I introduce you to the messenger of God--

JOE

(Knows the answer, but is confused by her gender.)

Gabriel?!

RICHARD

(To no one in particular)

Yeah that's cool. Interrupt me anytime. It's not like it's fucking rude or anything.

GABRIELLE

Language! It's Gabrielle, actually.

JOE

(confused)

But I thought--

GABRIELLE

I know! I know! You thought I was a guy. So did every other human back in those days. God felt that it would be better if I appeared to the prophets as a male because he figured they wouldn't heed the words of a female. He was also afraid that Daniel would be too busy staring at my bosom than listen to me explain his visions. And so whenever I appeared to man I had to trim my hair, deepen my voice, and wear a sports bra under my garments made completely of wool. (To ASTRYD) You don't know how good you had it.

RICHARD

Except for that one time.

ASTRYD

What one time?

GABRIELLE

You just had to bring that up! Except for when I appeared to Mary. Luckily, that little oopsie-doodle was kept out of scripture.

JOE

"Oopsie doodle"?

RICHARD

Yeah. Luke 1:28 states "And the angel came in to her and said, 'Hail, one, receiving grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women.'"

JOE

Okay.

RICHARD

The part that was left out was, "And then the angel said unto her, 'Oh honey, where did thou getteth those cute sandals'?"

GABRIELLE

Shut up! Noah still gives my crap about that.

RICHARD

(laughs)

I gotta go take a shit. (Exits)

GABRIELLE

Language! He is so annoying. Vaporized, eh? I thought that only happened in Science Fiction.

ASTRYD

You mentioned something about us having to make an important decision.

GABRIELLE

Yes I did. My sources tell me that this is the first time in the history of existence that such an event has taken place.

JOE

What do you mean?

Before GABRIELLE can answer, a man, GOD, enters. He is dressed like a beach bum (think "Jimmy Buffet"), and carrying several bags of coffee grounds. GOD slumps the bags onto the counter.

GOD

Whew! I'm getting too old for this.

GABRIELLE

I don't know why you prefer doing it that way. You could have just as easily made those bags materialize.

GOD

What can I say? I work in mysterious ways.

On hearing this, JOE and ASTRYD gasp.

GABRIELLE

Oh please! That bibble-babble only works on the humans.

JOE

(To GOD)

You are the way, the truth, and the light!

GABRIELLE

See what I mean?

JOE

Yahweh! El Shaddai! Jehovah! Alla!

GOD

If you start speaking in tongues, I'm gonna smack you. Oh, and you can just call me G-O-Deezy.

JOE

Almighty... G-O-Deezy!!

GOD

Joe, born February 10th in the year of his natural birth and died August 6th of this year. His favorite hobbies included, or rather they still include, ballroom dance, deep dish pizza, Batman comic books, and the season of Autumn. Astryd, born August 6th and died on her 30th year of natural existence. Her passions are Spanish Cuisine, African American art, family reunions, and red wine. Where is Mr. Foul Mouth?

GABRIELLE

Like you don't already know.

GOD

Gabrielle, I am a very busy entity. I can't foresee everything.

GABRIELLE

I wouldn't say that too loud.

GOD

Besides, you're my Intelligence officer. Now where is he?

GABRIELLE

He said he had to go "defecate".

GOD

And I'm sure that "defecate" was the word he used.

GABRIELLE

I don't know why you created them with all that complicated plumbing. You could have at least made their feces smell like mint or something.

ASTRYD

Did it have to be today?

GOD

I beg your pardon?

ASTRYD

Today! Did it have to be today?! Of all the days I could have died, it happens on my birthday.

JOE

Astryd, please!

ASTRYD

No, Joe! I could have died on Valentine's Day, I could have died on Christmas. Heck, I could have died on Cinco de Mayo. But no, it happens on the most important day of my-- (cuts herself off).

GABRIELLE

The ones who die on their birthdays always get so angry.

GOD

Shakespeare still won't speak to me.

ASTRYD

Why?!

GOD

Oh, you know those artist types, they--.

ASTRYD

No! I mean why did it have to be today?!

GOD

Um, I don't understand--

At this moment, LUCIFER enters. Wearing a combination of black and red, she resembles a successful business executive.

LUCIFER

And you never will. That's always been your problem, hasn't it?

GABRIELLE

What the hell--

LUCIFER

Watch it, Gabby!

GABRIELLE

How did she get in here?

GOD

I invited her.

GABRIELLE

You what?!

LUCIFER

I really appreciate the fact that you didn't tell Peter I was on the guest list.

GOD

Oh, um. Well, you know. I kinda forgot.

LUCIFER

How fallible of you.

GABRIELLE

(Gasps)

LUCIFER

(To GABRIELLE) Why don't you go spread the good word about that?!

RICHARD enters.

RICHARD

Whoa! Chill out, fuckers.

GOD, LUCIFER, AND GABRIELLE

Language!!

RICHARD

Fine! All I'm trying to say is that while you're all busy wallowing in your rivalries you have two very confused, very recently deceased individuals, one of whom is quite upset by the fact that she died on her birthday. So I think it's about time that you get your heads out of your non-anatomical anuses and provide them with some fucking well-deserved clarification!

At this moment, the archangel MICHAEL, enters. As the leader of Heaven's army, he is dressed as a soldier, either in military dress or combat uniform. His insignia displays the rank of General or Admiral.

MICHAEL

Ten hut! Creator on deck! (Salutes)



GOD

(Confused)

Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE

You're supposed to return the salute.

GOD

Oh, right.

GOD returns the salute and MICHAEL drops his salute, according to military fashion.

GOD

Um, at ease, or something?!!



LUCIFER

Hello, Michael. Still a stick-in-the-mud, I see.

MICHAEL

Lucifer. Still a traitor, I see.

JOE AND ASTRYD

(ad lib)

Wait! Huh?! But?! You?!

LUCIFER

Dear brother--

MICHAEL

I am NOT your brother!

LUCIFER

A traitor in the eyes of one may be seen as a progressive in the eyes of another. I have never been a traitor to anything and I prefer the term "enlightened".

JOE

Excuse me, um, Devil-lady?!

LUCIFER

Call me that again and I'll smack you. "Lucifer" is fine.

ASTRYD

(joking)

You sure you don't want to be called "Luci-feezy" or something?

LUCIFER

(gives her an annoyed look)

ASTRYD

I'll just be over here. (Moves to the counter near RICHARD, who gives her a drink).



MICHAEL

There was nothing "enlightening" about what you did to Peter.

JOE

SAINT Peter?

RICHARD

What did you do?

LUCIFER

Oh please! That little pipsqueak of a doorman deserved it anyway.

MICHAEL

It was completely unnecessary.

LUCIFER

It was completely hilarious. I guess you wouldn't understand that, not having a sense of humor and all.

RICHARD

What did you do?

LUCIFER

I kicked Peter in his pecker.

RICHARD

You whacked Peter's peter?

LUCIFER

Twice.

RICHARD

You mean once for each testi---

GOD, GABRIELLE, and MICHAEL

Shut up!

GOD

Michael, go fetch Peter and take him to the infirmary so that Raphael can examine him.

MICHAEL

(Salutes)

"Thy will be done."

RICHARD

(Annoyed)

Really?!

MICHAEL retains his salute. Everyone looks around, confused. GABRIELLE whispers something into GOD's ear.

GOD

Oh, right! (Returns the salute) Thou art, like, um, dismisseth-ed, or something.

MICHAEL exits.

RICHARD

He really needs to get laid. Well, first he needs to get some plumbing down there, then he needs to lay the pipe down. Hard.

GOD

Gabrielle, I need you to take watch at the gates until Peter's done speaking in Soprano.

GABRIELLE

On my way. (To LUCIFER). Love the jacket.

LUCIFER

(Sincerely)

Thanks.

GABRIELLE exits.

Lucifer

I miss having girl-talk with her.

GOD

(To RICHARD)

Don't you have something else to do? Someone else to annoy, perhaps?

RICHARD

Nope.

GOD

You don't need to "defecate" again?

RICHARD

Been there, done that. Besides I--

GOD

(snaps his fingers)

Suddenly, RICHARD has the sudden urge to take a poop.

RICHARD

(ad lib)

Hey, what the? This isn't funny!

LUCIFER

May I?

GOD

Sure, why not?

LUCIFER

(claps her hands, like "The Clapper")

A sound effect. RICHARD has now pooped himself.

RICHARD

(ad lib)

Not cool! Oh, man!

  GOD and LUCIFER

(Laughing)

Now that's funny!

RICHARD

I need a match, a change of clothes, and a garden hose!

The LITTLE GIRL enters to assist RICHARD. She holds her nose and makes a "P-U" face to the audience. They exit.

JOE

That was just--.

ASTRYD

That was completely unconstitutional!

LUCIFER

I assume you're both wondering why you're here.

JOE

Well, I mean, we died.

LUCIFER

(Sighs, annoyed. Then gives him the "V8" slap on the forehead.)

ASTRYD

For God's sake---

GOD

(Clears throat.)

ASTRYD

For Pete's sake, Joe! She's talking about the important decision Gabrielle mentioned earlier. Am I to assume that this is not what typically happens when people die?

LUCIFER

Leave it to a female to connect the dots.

GOD

When the average person dies, they are sent immediately to something that resembles a courtroom. The good gets balanced with the bad, and then they are judged. A judgment of "not guilty" sends them to Heaven and a judgment of "guilty" sends them to... damnation.

LUCIFER

(Insulted)

"Damnation"?! Is that what you're calling it now?

GOD

Except in your cases, things are not so simple. Joe, from childhood to adulthood to your moment of death, you've abided by my word.

JOE

Well, of course! Without a single doubt, my Lord, I have always---

GOD

Astryd, you weren't born into any specific religion but you've always managed to be level-headed and behave responsibly.

ASTRYD

Thank you, I---

GOD AND LUCIFER
Pathetic!

JOE

Excuse me?!

GOD
Being free of sin is cute when you're children, that's why they automatically get sent to Heaven. But once you become an adult, there comes a time when you've gotta... (fighting for the right words).

LUCIFER

There comes a time when you've gotta "sin it up" a little. Commit some wrongs, make some bad decisions. That way, when you die your rights and your wrongs can be properly weighed and you can be judged. But you two were too innocent. Once you became adults you never fell for a single temptation. None.

GOD

"No, not one."

LUCIFER

You know, he did say "OH MY GOD, it's headed straight for us!"

GOD

Just doesn't do it for me anymore.

LUCIFER

You never stole, you never cheated, you never fornicated.

GOD

Not even a dry hump.

LUCIFER

(To JOE)

Have you ever even masturbated.

JOE looks around nervously, looks at GOD.

GOD

Well, she ain't talking to me!

JOE
(ad lib)

Well, I... Um...

GOD

Once, when he was 12, and never again because he felt so guilty. He was hiding underneath the covers. What, you didn't think I could see you?

LUCIFER

(To ASTRYD)

How about you? Any clickity click?

ASTRYD

That's really none of your--

LUCIFER

Twice. And each time when she finished, the covers were on the other side of the bedroom. The point we're trying to make here is that you were such sticklers for the rules that you both became... uninteresting.

GOD

We got so bored with you two that I decided to get all Old Testament and rub you out.

JOE

You mean?

ASTRYD

The meteor?

JOE

You had us whacked?!

LUCIFER

Not me. (Indicating GOD) Him.

GOD

I haven't carried out a hit since what? Sodom and Gomorrah, I think.

LUCIFER

And this is where things get interesting. You see, since you both perished without a means by which final judgement could be properly given.

GOD

And this is a first, by the way.

LUCIFER

You must each choose your eternal fate.

JOE

You mean we get to choose between going to Heaven or Hell.

LUCIFER

He's not as dumb as he looks.

JOE AND ASTRYD

(ad lib)

Well, I mean. Um. Heaven, of course! Duh!

GOD

Heaven, it is--

LUCIFER

(Interrupting)

Not so fast! The decision is not as easy as (indicating GOD) certain entities have made it out to be.

JOE

Eternal damnation. Constant torture. A lake of fire. Seems like an easy enough decision for me!

LUCIFER

No, it really isn't.

ASTRYD

We're not listening to you.

LUCIFER

Hang on a sec.

JOE

(Like a televangelist)

Devil, you'se a liar!

LUCIFER

(Annoyed)

Protestants.

GOD

Give me a break! I've apologized for them on several occasions.

LUCIFER

(To GOD)

You want to tell them or should I?

GOD

(sighs)

LUCIFER

They're already dead, who are they going to tell?

RICHARD enters

RICHARD

Yeah, who are they going to tell?

GOD

So nice to have you back, Dick.

RICHARD

You sound so sincere.

LUCIFER

You find your garden hose?

RICHARD

My colon is so clear it's nearly transparent. That was so uncool. You two can be real assholes.

LUCIFER

(To JOE and ASTRYD)

As I was saying. Hell is nothing like what you've read in that one book. I forget what it's called.

JOE

(Matter of factly)

I think you mean the Bible.

RICHARD

Joe, I swear to fucking Go---

GOD

Hey!

LUCIFER

Do you really think I wander the Earth searching for souls to terrorize? Burning people, raping babies, and (indicating GOD) cursing his name? Please! When push comes to shove he is my father, and just like any other parent-child relationship we have our differences. And like any son or daughter who becomes mature enough to make his or her own decisions, it was time for me to move out and become my own person; much to his dismay and that of my siblings. Just as he loves the world, so do I. The only difference is that I love the world so much that I am willing to allow its inhabitants to do their own thing without doctrine. We may be immortal but you humans, with your weaknesses and contradictions are the most interesting creatures that ever existed.

GOD

When she broke away I may have been a bit... impractical.

LUCIFER

"Impractical"? Everyone on Earth thinks I'm a sadistic  fire-breathing minotaur-looking thingy!

RICHARD

And a dude.

LUCIFER

Yeah! And they think I'm a guy! At least your worshipers are fairly decent people, most of them. What do I get? A bunch of Goths who listen to Emo and play with Ouija boards.

ASTRYD

So Hell is not a terrible place.

LUCIFER

The two places have their differences, but no, it's not a bastion for the hopeless.

GOD

 That's what Kentucky is for.

LUCIFER

I thought that was West Virginia.

GOD

Same thing. But for now---

LUCIFER

But for now, it's Flash Time.

JOE

Flash Time?

RICHARD

(Looking down LUCIFER'S shirt)

Does that mean what I think it does?

LUCIFER

 Back off, douche bag.

ASTRYD

What's "Flash Time"?

GOD

Flash Time is what you humans call your "lives flashing before your eyes", which is usually displayed on a 200-inch wide screen HD television. But in your cases we're going to do it a little differently.

JOE

Meaning?

LUCIFER

Meaning that since you're not on trial and the wide screen isn't here, though SOMEONE could make it appear--

GOD

Not gonna happen.

LUCIFER

-- we're gonna have a little fun and act it out.

JOE

What do you mean "act it out"? We're not actors!

GOD

It's easy. Besides, we'll be helping you out. For example, let's go to April 4th when you were 12.

JOE

April 4th when I was 12? How do you expect me to---

GOD

(Snaps his fingers. Suddenly Joe is acting like a 12 year-old boy.)

JOE

(Dancing around, imitating martial arts moves. Singing the "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" theme song and swashbuckling.)

Green Ranger, baby! It's morphin' time! Dragon Zord!

RICHARD

Tommy was the shit!

JOE

Bad guys come around, Green Ranger gonna fuck them niggas up! (Gasps)

RICHARD

Did homeboy just say "niggas"?!

ASTRYD

I've never heard him curse!

JOE

(Drops to his knees, praying.)

Um, God? Please forgive me, I got carried away.

LUCIFER

I take it you forgave him?

GOD

Forgave him for what? I never said anything about foul language.

LUCIFER

Then why don't you swear?

GOD

Because it would be bad PR. God almighty, dropping the F-bomb?!

JOE

(Still praying.)

It won't happen again, honest! Amen!  (Gets up, but drops back down) Oh! And is there any chance you can turn me into the Green Ranger? That would be so awesome! Amen!

GOD

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that! Some kid wants to be a superhero, some housewife wants her husband to look like Denzel Washington, or some Cubs fan wants me to do the impossible. (Snaps his fingers. JOE is himself again.)

JOE

Huh? Wow, I forgot all about that.

GOD

Even as a child, you often took yourself too seriously.

RICHARD

(To ASTRYD)

What was your favorite show?

GOD

(Snaps fingers)

ASTRYD

(With a child's voice, singing)

"Jem is my name, no one else is the same! Jem is my name!"

GOD

(Snaps fingers.)

ASTRYD

How embarrasing!

RICHARD

(Laughing)

That was fucking hilarious!

GOD

Language!

LUCIFER

Back to business. And since we're doing Flash Time live, we might as well take it a step further.

GOD

Meaning?

LUCIFER

If you're gonna have them reenact "What was", I'm going to have them act out "What could have been". (Claps)

Suddenly, JOE and Astryd snap into character. We are taken back to the first scene at the park. The LITTLE GIRL enters, carrying a bag of movie popcorn and a large soda. She sits in the audience. GOD doesn't notice this. RICHARD gestures to the LITTLE GIRL, "Any popcorn for me"? The LITTLE GIRL hands the popcorn to an audience member, then flips him off. RICHARD flips her back, in time for GOD to notice.

JOE

I can slowly feel my testicles disappearing.

GOD slaps RICHARD in the back of the head. He screams like a bitch. The lights come up on JOE and ASTRYD and dim on the rest of the stage.

ASTRYD

(kisses him)

Do you trust me?

JOE

(confused)

Astryd, what are you--

ASTRYD

(repeats the question)

Do you trust me?

JOE

Well, yes, but--

ASTRYD

Do you love me?

JOE

Of course I do. Listen, we really need to get going so we can get to the ballroom. Hey! I recognize this place. This is the park where we had our first kiss.

ASTRYD

Right under the stars. Joe, there's a reason I brought you here tonight.

JOE

(Hypnotized by her beautiful gaze.)

A method to your madness?

ASTRYD

Yes. And now I have one more question for you. (Drops to her knees).

RICHARD

And the plot thickens.

ASTRYD

Joe, I have known many people, but none have ever been like you. Because unlike them, you are my lover, my best friend, my confidant. When my country is barren, my land is torn, my village is empty, and community is torn. You are my city, its celestial flickers shining throughout the night. (Takes out ring) Be my world, my entire universe, and make my existence seem right.

JOE

Huh?

ASTRYD

Will you marry me? Is what I'm asking you, basically.

Richard

Is this what would have happened had they not died?

GOD

(To LUCIFER)

What are you doing?!

LUCIFER

This is what happens when people realize that their concrete thoughts often exist on abstract plains.

GOD

What? I'm confused.

LUCIFER

Finally, you're starting to understand.

ASTRYD

Joe?

JOE

(ad lib)

I... um... well...

LUCIFER

Answer her.

JOE

No, Astryd. I will not marry you.

ASTRYD

What?

JOE

I'm sorry, babe.

ASTRYD

(On "babe")

Don't call me that.

JOE

Astryd--

ASTRYD

You no longer have that right!

JOE

I never did.

ASTRYD

(While exiting)

fuck you... Fuck you... FUCK YOU!

RICHARD

Um... language??

End of Act 1


ACT 2

Lights come up to reveal a bar. Somewhere on stage is a sign that reads "Hölle-Bar und Grill". A patron, REESE, is seated. RICHARD enters, taking a tour of the room.

RICHARD

Now this is what I'm talking about! Beer, vodka, rum, whiskey! How ya doing, Pops? Where's the bartender.

At this moment the LITTLE GIRL enters, dressed as a professional bartender. She hands a small bottle of wine to a lucky audience member and walks behind the bar.

RICHARD

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. Is this supposed to be adorable or something? 

REESE

I'll have a Bloody Mary please.

Like an experienced professional, The LITTLE GIRL proceeds to make the Bloody Mary. Once finished, she presents it to REESE, who takes a sip.

REESE

Now that's how a Bloody Mary is supposed to be made! Thank you, miss. (He hands her a tip. She either bites the coin or holds the dollar into the light to check for accuracy before placing it in her pocket.)

RICHARD

Fine, whatever. Give me a shot of whiskey.

The LITTLE GIRL pours the whiskey into a shot glass and walks from behind the bar to give it to RICHARD. She holds it up to him, but just as he is about to take it, she gulps it down and exits while flipping him off.

RICHARD

I hate kids.  Okay, Pops. Where is the barten---

REESE

You little asshole!

RICHARD

Huh?

REESE

My name isn't "Pops", it's "Reese". You see an older gentleman and automatically assume you can call me Pops? How about I call you "Fetus", does that sound fair?

RICHARD

Sorry! Fuck! Let's try this again. REESE, where is the real bartender?



reese

(Prepares to answer, then gets a brain fart.) Well, come to think of it I can't remember there ever being one.
RICHARD

That doesn't even make sense. How is that possible.

REESE

Well, it seems that whoever put this shindig together was to lazy to cast one.



GOD and LUCIFER enter, wearing bowling team polo shirts.

LUCIFER

(Teasing)

We rule and you drool!

GOD

Oh whatever! You only got lucky because you had Hitler on your team.

LUCIFER

I told you he was a decent bowler.

GOD

"Decent"?! He has a 284 average! His girlfriend seemed nice. What's her name again.

LUCIFER

"Ester", I think. (Notices RICHARD) How the heck did you get here?!

RICHARD

What can I say? I'm well-liked. Besides, you need a bartender anyway. (Goes behind the bar)

ASTRYD storms in, with JOE chasing after her.

JOE

Astryd, please!

ASTRYD

You never meant it did you? Every time you said that you loved me. Staring into my eyes with that retarded grin of yours. It was all a big fat lie!

JOE

Astryd, you have to understand. It's not that I don't love you. It's just---. Hey, where are we now?

REESE

Welcome to the "Hölle Bar und Grill".
RICHARD

Repite, por favor.

REESE

I suppose it would sound smoother if it was in Spanish. "El Bar Infierno". However, it's in German. Sounds more menacing. Like trying to cough a dead rat from the back of your throat. I don’t exactly know why German sounds so creepy. Maybe it has something to do with Adolf Hitler giving that weird salute and shouting racist Nazi gibberish. Did he really bowl a 897 today?!

GOD

I don't want to talk about it!

REESE


When it comes to the German language, you don’t even have to say something evil. For example, you can say something nice, like "I love you with all my heart." “Ich liebe Sie mit meinem ganzen Herzen.” Kinda makes you want to crap your pants. Now here's something interesting. Did you know that in America many of the law enforcement agencies use German Shepherds as police dogs? And they don't just breed or adopt them. No. These dogs are actually imported FROM Germany. What’s even more crazy is that when the officers shout orders to the dogs, they shout them in German. Can you imagine being pulled over and the officer has the dog searching your car… shouting weird German shit?

GOD

It's probably just a tactic to scare the suspects.

Richard

Of course it is. If they used English the suspects would understand everything and they can't use Spanish because it's the second most commonly spoken language. Plus, how the fuck is an English-speaking person going to teach Spanish to a German-speaking animal. Well, I mean... the dogs don't exactly SPEAK German, but---

LUCIFER

We get the idea!

REESE

What if the German Sheperds weren't German in origin. What if they were French, for example?

JOE

If German Shepherds were French Shepherds they wouldn't be very good police dogs. The French don't exactly strike fear into the hearts of men.

ASTRYD

Joe!

JOE

(Laughing to himself)

French Shepherds, trotting around, wearing berets, smoking cigarretes.

ASTRYD

That's so mean!

JOE

I'm sorry Astryd, but let's be honest. The French language is neither creepy nor romantic. It's very  wimpy. If Arnold Schwarzenegger had a French accent he would've made Jean-Claude Van Damme sound like Macho Man Randy Savage. (A pause. Smiles, and giggles to himself)

ASTRYD

What's so funny?

JOE

Every time a Frenchman says "Yes", it's like an automatic dick joke.


REESE

I can help but feel that we've fallen off the subject.

ASTRYD

So we're in Hell now?

LUCIFER

Mi casa es su casa.

ASTRYD

Still doesn't let you off the hook, Joe. How could you?

JOE

Astryd, I, um--

GOD

To help answer this we're going to do a few more flashbacks, starting with when you two first met in dance class. Playing the part of Rudolfo, your dance instructor will be Michael. Gabrielle will be play a fellow student and Richard will play Cody, Joe's redneck college roommate.

RICHARD

Ye fuckin' haw!

GOD snaps his fingers. Lights go down, flashy disco lights go up, salsa music is playing. JOE and ASTRYD start dancing. RICHARD approaches an exit leads Gabrielle to the dance floor. GOD and LUCIFER dance, the LITTLE GIRL enters and dances with REESE. When the song is over, the dancers applaud (and hopefully the audience joins in). MICHAEL enters as Rudolfo the dance instructor. he is dressed up in Latin fashion and speaks with an exagerrated Spanish accent.

MICHAEL

Muy bien, students! I can see that you've all been practicing outside of class, and that of course is the best way to perfect your dancing skills. And what other form of dance is more energetic, more sensual than the salsa? The tango? Overratted! The swing? Ha! The yo-yo hippity hop? No way, home'ze!

RICHARD

(As Cody)

How about the Tush Push? The Slappin' Leather? The Achey Brakey Heart?

They all stare at him.

MICHAEL

Cody, don't make me grab my mama's chanclas and slap you! There is no dance that compares to the salsa. It is the dance for the young and the young at heart. Salsa is energy. Salsa is sexy. Salsa is romantic. Salsa is the dance of life! Everything else is just filler. Alright, we will take a short break, so grab some refreshments, socialize, and visit the bano. I will be back in a jiffy (pronounced "hiffie").
MICHAEL exits.

RICHARD

I tell you what, man, ol' Rudolfo sure is uh...

GABRIELLE

Passionate?

RICHARD

I was actually gonna say "nutty as a pinecone", but yeah, "passionate" works too.

ASTRYD

(To GABRIELLE)

Excuse me... fellow student?

GABRIELLE

Yes?

ASTRYD

I'm going to the ladies bano, would you care to join me?

GABRIELLE

Sure.

They exit.

RICHARD

I don't think we will ever understand that. So you and that gal you were dancing with seem to be hitting it off.

JOE

We were just dancing. We weren't... she say something about me?

RICHARD

No, at least not to me. Hell, if she was saying anything about you it would be to that gal she took to the bathroom.

JOE

What do you think she's talking about?

RICHARD

What in the sam-hell do I look like, the bitch whisperer? Probably talking about that retarded grin you got.

JOE

Dude!

RICHARD

I'm sorry man, but every time you smile it looks like Forest Gump is getting butt-fucked by Radio.

LUCIFER

(Approaches seductively)

Hello, Joe.

JOE

Uh...

RICHARD

Why don't I give you two some privacy.

RICHARD exits.

JOE

Oh, hi, uh---

LUCIFER

Seductive Hot Chick is the name. You didn't dance with me this week, I'm a little hurt.

JOE

No, it's just that Rudolfo paired me with--

LUCIFER

I was kidding, Joe. You've got some smooth moves, but I bet you can rough too.

JOE

(Nervous)

Uh, doubtful.

LUCIFER

Let me guess. You've got your eyes on Astryd.

JOE

Is that her name?

LUCIFER

She's... cute. In a little sister kind of way. (Strokes a finger down his chest) But let's be honest, what you need is a real woman. Some one to show the ropes.
JOE

Ropes?

LUCIFER

(Strokes his genitals, bites his ear)

Why get singed with a spark when you can be engulfed by an inferno!

JOE

I, I, I,---

LUCIFER

(Bites his neck, then kisses him)

Think about it, Joe. I'll be right over there.

LUCIFER retires upstage. RICHARD enters.




























 















































Last edited on Thu Mar 17th, 2011 09:30 am by darkeithlofton

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 Posted: Wed Dec 29th, 2010 03:49 am
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aldo_m
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Mana: 
Hey Dar'Keith.  I thought your concept was very clever.  I enjoyed how you turned the Christian archetypes of the devil and God into more humanized characters.  Not only that, but you gave them a different spin than is normally expected, i.e. the kind old bearded man and evil goat demon stereotypes normally associated with them. 

I also enjoyed the story progression and pacing, that is, how you slowly revealed the character's motivations and relationships.  I give you props, as I was reading this and I got to the end, I felt disappointed that i didn't get to find out what happened after Joe rejected Astryd.  It was a nice cliffhanger, and a good testament to your skill that I wanted to read more.

Some criticisms I would have is that while you humanized these characters well, they sometimes seem to be trying too hard to be funny, and the dialogue at times becomes awkward.  At times it sounds like middle schoolers trying to mimic rap music videos to sound cool to their friends on the playground.  Exhibit A:

GOD

If you start speaking in tongues, I'm gonna smack you. Oh, and you can just call me G-O-Deezy.

It might just be me, but this kind of dialogue was painful for me and seemed like these characters were trying too hard.  So, overall, if you spruced up the dialogue a bit, I think this could be a very funny, satisfying play, disregarding the other half I haven't read, of course.  Thanks for posting.

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 Posted: Wed Dec 29th, 2010 03:27 pm
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darkeithlofton
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Mana: 
Aldo,

Thank you so much for responding! I was starting to lose faith about getting any sort of response on here. I definitely appreciate the feedback and I've been reviewing some of the dialogue to make sure it doesn't drag. Such things as the "Godeezy" line is my attempt at poking fun at (what I consider to be) the annoying slang people use nowadays. But I will definitely pay close attention and make sure I'm not overdoing it. Thanks again!

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 Posted: Mon Feb 7th, 2011 06:12 pm
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darkeithlofton
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Mana: 
Some of Act 2 has been posted. Let me know what you think!

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 Posted: Tue Feb 15th, 2011 03:41 pm
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Darkja
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Mana: 
I really like the concept. However I agree with the previous post. On occasion it seems to be trying to hard to be funny. There were moments where non plot progressing witty banter went on a bit too long. I also feel like while the profanity was funny that it may become redundant when over extended. I always think that jokes lose power when used too much. I did like that it was a well planned out original concept though.

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 Posted: Wed Feb 23rd, 2011 09:34 pm
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darkeithlofton
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Mana: 
Thanks, Darkja!

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 Posted: Thu Mar 17th, 2011 11:27 am
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darkeithlofton
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Mana: 
A bit more of Act 2 added today.

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 Posted: Sun Apr 3rd, 2011 06:09 am
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därkhorse
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Mana: 
Is this your first play? I don't mean that question in a negative way. I just find that so many playwrights first shows take place in a diner or a bar (or both). Just an observation. (my first play did). I want to read it in a better rested mind, but the main thing that stuck out were the chatty bits of dialogue that didn't seem to move the story forward. Like, the conflict was there but it was often bickering rather than full-on deep seeded conflict. Clever concept though, and nice stage movements.

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 Posted: Tue Apr 26th, 2011 08:36 am
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darkeithlofton
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Darkhorse.

Yes, this is my first play.

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