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 Posted: Sun Jun 26th, 2011 06:50 am
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leon
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Mana: 

Nicer republicans

a ten-minute play



SYNOPSIS:                Self explanatory

SETTING:                  Minimal.  Chairs.

                                    TIME: The present.

 

CHARACTERS:

TINA              –  Late 30's to 50's, pedantic

JOEL               –  older, crotchety

FRANK          -- African American, older.

MEI                 –  Chinese, twenties.

JUNE              –  Southern, fifties, warm.

 

 

 

 (TINA, stands before a group. )

                       

                                                            TINA

Okay, we are all Republicans here, yes?

ALL

Yes.  Right, Of course.

TINA

Right.  And we want people to perceive us differently.  Some find us unfeeling or unsympathetic to the needs of the poor or the elderly.

 

                                                            FRED

Ridiculous.

JUNE

I can’t believe people think that.

JOEL

I have twelve grandchildren.  Why would I not care about people?

TINA

Well, it’s a perception created and ingrained by the liberal media.

JOEL

Brokaw.  Jane Pauley.

MEI

You know they aren’t hosting the news anymore, right?

JOEL

Yes.  Now you have that Brian Williams… and Katey Couric…so smug and cute.

 

                                                            TINA

Anyway, just because we Republicans believe people should pay their fair share, and money doesn’t grow on trees, we are vilified.

JUNE

I love Christmas as much as the next person, but if we had Christmas every day…

FRED

You’d have the president’s health care plan

 

                        (ALL GIGGLE)

Makes me ashamed to say I’m African American.

JOEL

Well, at least you’re American.

TINA

Now, now.  These are the statements and sentiments that damage our reputation.  The president is American.   We should not be questioning that.  There are real issues to bring up. 

And not just drilling in the Alaskan state park.  Let me see… (to Mei)  What is your name?

MEI

Mei.

TINA

Okay, Mei.  You are Chinese.  I will bet that you are second generation.  Your ancestors…

MEI

I’m actually fourth generation.

TINA

Okay, but you understand the plight of the immigrant.  And you can empathize with their struggles.  We are a nation of immigrants, after all.

MEI

You know there are four meth dealers in my neighborhood, and three of them are Mexican.

TINA

Yes, but you cannot gereralize about an entire population.

MEI

I would agree but three out of four is a high percentage

JOEL

In my neighborhood, three out of four Mexicans are using weedwhackers at 7 in the morning.

TINA

I think we are missing the point here.  The point is to put ourselves or our loved one in the shoes of the immigrant and look at them as real people.  People with hopes, and dreams of a better life.

JUNE

You know, when you talk about putting people in the shoes of immigrants… some of those Italian shoes are four hundred dollars.

JOEL

That’s cause they’re not American made.

FRANK

It’s unconstitutional.

 

TINA

Okay, we are straying from the point.

JOEL

Do you know how many stray dogs the Phillipinos bring into this country?

TINA

We are trying to rectify our public image.  Come on, people.  Maybe let’s talk about something very very important like medicare… Mrs…. Ah…

JUNE

June.

TINA

June.  You are almost a senior.

JUNE

I’m forty five.  (She does look 60)

TINA

Oh, well… your mother then.  She’s a senior, right?

JUNE

No, she’s fifty six.

TINA

What?

 

                                                            JUNE

My father is fifty two.

TINA

How is that possible?!

 

                                                            JUNE

Almost fifty three.

TINA

The point is… you don’t want your parent’s medicare benefits cut now, do you?

 

                                                            JUNE

What about balancing the budget?

TINA

We want the budget balanced, but we want all needy people and sick people to get adequate health care.

 

FRED

As long as the rich get their tax cut, I’m all for health care.

JOEL

That’s right.

MEI

If the rich don’t get their cuts, the entire economy will crumble.

TINA

Well, not crumble.  What I’m saying is… we might want to raise the retirement age, or privatize the medicare system, or we might want to limit benefits a bit.

 

                                                            JUNE

Or all three.

JOEL

Make those seniors work for their supper.

FRANK

Pull up their boot straps and get a job.

TINA

Well, to be fair, some seniors do still work.  And others can’t.

MEI

Do you know, my neighbor is a retired teacher, and she shops at Nordstroms. 

 

                                                            JUNE

That’s the problem with the Democratic system.  Teachers are way overpaid.

TINA

Let’s move on.  Please… what about gay marriage?   Which is a very big issue these days.

MEI

Yuch.

TINA

Now, we can all agree that gay people have a right to be gay… we just object to supporting their lifestyle by allowing tax breaks and other advantages we allow to married people.

JUNE

I guess so.

MEI

Yeah, that’s true.  (closing her eyes)

JOEL

You can’t legislate against gayness.

TINA

Because gay men and lesbians as well, they --

 

FRANK

Well, no.  Not them.

TINA

What… I’m sorry.

FRANK

Well, two young women, okay.  But when you’re talking two Grandmas, that’s just ungodly.

MEI

It gives me nightmares.

TINA

But we understand these are American citizens, right?  And under the Constitution, they do have rights.

FRANK

Can we just not talk about them. 

 

                                                            JOEL

There was a time when we were all gay when Johnny was marching home, but it meant happy.  Now it just means confusing.

 

                                                            FRANK

Let’s talk about something else.

JUNE

Let’s talk about Sarah Palin.

MEI

O-o-o, I love her.

FRANK

She’s the Republican Oprah.

JUNE

If she were fifteen years older, she could double as my daughter.

TINA

Fifteen years older?  Never mind. 

 

                                                            MEI

I think the liberal media is trying to make her out to be not well read and up to date on matters of international importance.

 

                                                            JOEL

It’s that Katey Couric.  They should fire her.

 

                                                            MEI

You know she’s not doing the news anymore, right?

 

                                                            TINA

Frankly, I am not seeing very much warm and fuzzy, or even sympathetic sentiment from any of you.  I am very surprised.  Cause being Republican should mean that you want to take care of everyone in a sound, intelligently planned manner.

FRANK

You’re saying that cause I’m black.

TINA

No.  This isn’t about race.  Republicans should be for creating an environment where people can become productive citizens… not be given entitlements or unfair advantages.  We want small business to thrive.  We want our children to be the best educated professionals in the world.   Am I right?

ALL

Yeah, I guess.  Sure.

TINA

Well, if you’re not for these things?  Then what are you supporting?  What do you stand for?!

MEI

Well, as for me, I like pointing out how silly the Democrats ideals are.

                                                            TINA

Only because your ideals are better!

MEI

I never really thought about that.

JUNE

The whole idea to me is the Democrats are just wrong about a lot of things.

JOEL

It’s like they’re wrong on purpose.

FRANK

Yeah, like they want to ruin things.

MEI

A lot of them don’t believe in God.\

JUNE

You mean Reagan?

MEI

No, God – god.

TINA

They’re hearts are in the right place.  They just don’t realize you have to create an atmosphere where you can make money, so you can spend money.

JOEL

I believe that Harry Reid is a robot.

MEI

And Nancy Pelosi – if you look at her eyes – I once saw a movie about a woman that really was a squid.  (nods)  Yeah…

TINA

Oh, I get it.

JOEL

Get what?

TINA

Come on.  You’re playing with me, right?

ALL

What?  Playing?

TINA

This is a put-on.  You’re all not this vapid, this petty.  Come on.

 

            (All look to each other, clueless)

JUNE

We do pray for the Democrats.   I mean, most of them are going to hell but we don’t want that to happen.  That’s just God’s will.

 

                                                            MEI

I will bet that most of the meth dealers are Democrats.

 

                                                            JOEL

And the owners of the stray dogs as well.  People with tatoos.  The morbidly overweight.

 

                                                            FRANK

High school drop outs.  African Americans with nose piercings.

 

                                                            TINA

Okay, stop!

 

                                    (All turns strangely to Tina)

TINA

I guess I have to accept then… that I belong to a party of narrow minded, gun toting, big business, socially unconscious, bigoted needlers.  People with no moral compass.  It’s just a bit much to take…  I didn’t expect…

 

            (overwhelmed, she rushes off the stage)

MEI

You think we turned her?

JOEL

No, not yet.  She’s a fiscal conservative.  She’s gonna be hard to crack.

FRANK

I think next time, we gotta bring up less government intervention in financial markets… the banks… securities…

JOEL

Even fiscal conservatives see that this only leads to instability.

JUNE

And if all elese fails, we can start a write in Presidential campaign for Michelle Balkman.

MEI

O-o-o, the witch lady.  I think she’s pretty.

JOEL

Use that line.  That’s a good one.

 

                        (They start walking offstage)

MEI (to June)

I like that Reagan as God line.  Did you come up with that spur of the moment?.

JUNE

Actually, I heard that Rush Limbaugh has a shrine in his living room.

 

End of Play

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 Posted: Mon Jun 27th, 2011 05:25 pm
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ethrivrav
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Mana: 
It's Michelle "Bachmann."

Just curious - where were you planning to show this? You would need a very politically homogenous audience, such as one you might find in San Francisco or at a Democratic convention. If you made this play in two parts, with the second part being the exact opposite of the first, at a Democratic meeting, poking fun at that party in a similar manner, then this wouldn't be an issue. As it is now, you don't have much wiggle room. On a positive note, I did like how you carried the dialog thru the various digressions the characters went off on, keying in on insignificant words from the main speaker. Those were the most humorous parts for me.

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 Posted: Fri Jul 1st, 2011 04:28 am
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leon
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Mana: 
thanks for the comments.  i agree with a lot of what you say.

usually, when i try any poliitcal comedy, it comes across as kind of ordinary, probably cause it's done so much on television.  this isn't really a "play" but more a skit, so probably why there isn't much meat here.  also, more lesser jokes and no belly laughs.

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 Posted: Tue Sep 20th, 2011 03:13 am
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alan0198
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Mana: 
Leon -- fun piece. And I disagree about it needing to be balanced -- satire isn't balanced! I do like the digressions and wanderings. And the assumptions about minority groups of all kinds! Look forward to hearing how it develops and what kind of response you get from audiences!

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 Posted: Wed Sep 21st, 2011 04:28 am
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leon
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Mana: 
thanks alan.

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